Innocence;
pigtails tied with ribbons
and white flower print dresses,
she skipped through warm
summer rays,
a cross round her neck brought out
the golden sparkle in her eyes.
She flew the world on a kite string
and picked feather flower petals
wondering if prince charming
loved her or loved her not.
But lemonade lost its flavor
and dandelion wishes
brought nothing,
only fuzzy seeds clung
to her hair, bitterly emphasizing
happily never afters.
Tossed her dreams into the sea
before it froze; her daddy
clipped her kite when she fell in mud,
tarnishing her dress.
So she tore off
her necklace and kicked
it into a snow bank
perhaps she'd find it
in the spring.
Author notes
For Most Improved
I was inspired by the myth of Persephone and her being brought by Hades to the underworld. Her being down there for a third of the year is supposedly the cause of winter and the change of seasons, which is the main metaphor of this poem. It starts off in the summer and everything is happy, then the middle separated stanza represents summer fading, and the last part of the piece is all winter.
Persephone was called and maiden Kore was found by Hades and was picking flowers and was " essentially the personification of girlhood ("kore" means "girl"). She's all happy and flower-y and she's the daughter of a freakin' NATURE FERTILITY Goddess!" according to the website http://www.paleothea.com/SortaSingles/Persephone.html. The whole innocence and girlhood was the theme of the beginning and the going to the underworld part is covered throughout the rest.
Hope I didn't over analyze this, I want my poem to at least stand on it's own a little bit.
I like this piece, but I'm not sure how cohesive it is. So that brings my feelings down to an ehhh.
I need a much better title.
A contest entry
- Invite Only #1 by sideways hourglass.
550 points, ended September 29, 2008, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments and critiques are encouraged.
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Wow!!!
I'm jealous
haha
All I have to say is IMAGERY HOLY CRAP.
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I enjoyed the one word start. Your second stanza is vivid and strong.
'But lemonade lost its flavor'
very nice.
The ending was very strong.
I'm going to go ahead and disagree with the judge. I think this was great. Imagistic content WAS the strength here, however, the allusion to your myth was subtle and strong. And it produced a sort of thought response that not every poem does. I can read those stunning, beautiful poems that leave your jaw dropped over and over. But often, they do not make me think after I have read them. This did. I think you did excellently
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I think you concentrated mainly on imagery in this poem. The only metaphor here is the summer/winter/spring concept, which is fine.
"She flew the world on a kite string"
that line stood out the most, because it was original.
Everything else was nice when it came to the basic idea and just as imagery - but this poem kind of felt a little cheesy to me. Not your best one, but it isn't your worst either.
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Yes, yes, yes!!!!
Excuse the poemgasm, but I LOVELOVELOVE this myth and you took a lovely poem from it
There were a few moments where a less conventional word could be used, like in happy never after. I feel that is overused.
I loved this, it was such a relevant thing to so many people. And your structure and punctuation was flawless! I should pull from it!
I loved the feel of the seasons, each image was so clever
Well done, you've done it again
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A little bit? Your poem stood out a lot!
You've chosen a good myth, and used it so creatively. There are so many things you can point out in this - themes, narrative, characterisation - but I can't find anything I could change, and pointing it out would be futile as you wrote it, so you know it's there
Especially loved the ending, by the way.
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I liked how you opened with the single word "innocence."
It really adds a certain touch to the mood.
"She flew the world on a kite string
and picked feather flower petals
wondering if prince charming
loved her or loved her not.
But lemonade lost it's flavor
and dandelion wishes
brought nothing,
only fuzzy seeds clung
to her hair, bitterly emphasizing
happily never afters."
This was really good.
But "Happyily never afters." kind of throws off the flow. It's good, keep it, but just change it a little. Make Happily Never Afters stand out alone, like you did with the word "innocence."
Fantastic job! Everything else just seemed to fit and work with each other.
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Oooh....I really like this.
I am especially fond of the "dandelion" part, and
"She flew the world on a kite string
and picked feather flower petals"
Beautiful!
My only thoughts (other than 'fantastic!') are:
In line 12 (lemonade lost...) I think you meant "its" and not "it's."
Also--you may have noticed (just maaaybe
) that I am a fan of hyphens, and for this reason I sort of want to stick on somewhere in "white flower print dresses" and "feather flower petals," but that's really just my freakish obsession.
Otherwise, this is wonderful. Your ending=perfect. I agree that the title could probably be improved, but I think it would be fine to leave it.
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Haha, our poems hardly seem like they're on the same legend anyways, they focus on different aspects of the story. A really neat line- "She flew the world on a kite string", although the use of "daddy" later on felt odd. The title could be improved but it's not terrible... the ending on the other hand is great!
Our poems have completely different tones, lol! i guess that's why legend is subjective! Nicely done though
-cassidy
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