i. goddess
I laid out seeds
of special numbers,
planted them in my mouth
and was damned to hell
until I could see the sun.
a serpent spawned inside my womb,
stealing buds from trees
and taste from fruit
until I could almost feel.
ii. demi-god
and then,
like some sort of reptile
I detached that certain part of me,
left it behind
and as each ferocious answer
came with new
deadly questions,
I could prove I didn’t need
to be stuffed with stolen
mouthfuls of elements,
I would control them.
iii. human
so,
on every passing feather,
I wished, ever knowing
of its futility,
such as shards of smoke on flame,
ever harming,
useless as gold in starvation
and as words to blind ears.
iv. beast
through skin,
I cut teeth, again
reborn as creature.
and then,
there was
nothing but corners
and angles.
until I can find
that thin strand
of sanity
I entered with.
Author notes
Don't hate me, it's about annorexia and the decling in humanity you go through. stanza 1: Persephone, killing part of her self (godess of fertility) and how she was damned to hell, through food. She couldn't be a godess, her life wasn't perfect. Stanza 2: hercules and his quests. He was strong, so strong he could control the elements. He also was atempted to be murdered by a snake. Questions and answers is like with the hydra and new heads forming. Stanza 3: King Midas, everythign he touched was gold, and all it caused him was pain. Stanza 4: Scylla, she was reborn as a monster. It killed her. Then at the end I added about finding hisway out of the Minators labirynth, the only story that isn't a tradgedy.
Sorry, I'm empty. and it hurts
title, relaes to hydra and the lion hercules slayed.
A contest entry
- Invite Only #1 by traffic light.
550 points, ended September 29, 2008, 9 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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...This is so far from the anorexia cliches in amateur poetry you always find on here, and I'm wowed. Not that I expected cliche from someone so scathingly honest and poetic, but still. It's always a good shock to find things on AP that don't suck.
"a serpent spawned inside my womb,
stealing buds from trees
and taste from fruit
until I could almost feel."
That's lush, m'pet.
My main criticism is that some of the phrases are filler, mainly the ones you use to begin your some stanzas-- 'and then' [twice] and 'so'. And the punctuation could be a little better. In the final vignette, you ended your second stanza with a fullstop but continued the sentence in the next stanza; the fragmentation just didn't work for me, and then you said "until I can," which read strangely because the rest of the section was in the past tense.
Quite good, really!
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Thankies, very much!
It is a neglected thing by me, punctuation. And it's interesting you should say about the filler words, I've never really looked at that before, so thank you
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This is pensive and compelling.
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Oh My~
This is one Powerful piece that packs a punch~
You shed many layers of Brilliance here like all Your verses and just stun with imagery~
Wording weaved like fine silk~
Wowzers!!
Excellent break down of stanzas~
Love it!!
I learned History all in one exhale
Congratulations on Your Trophy win!
-Throws confetti-
Woooooooooo Hoooooooooooo
Thank You for sharing Your Talent and Spirit~
Many blessings to You in all You do Sweet One
Best wishes too
with much love & light~ Desire~*~
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love it
love it
<33
man...
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"until; I could see the sun."
"until; I could almost feel."
"until; I can find"
I'm not sure about the punctuation in those spots.
If you were trying to go for a pause, then maybe break the lines like this:
"until
I could see the sun"
or
"until...I could see the sun."
or put it like this
"until I could see the sun"
It's your choice.
Other than that, I just want to tell you how much better your punctuation and sentence structure has gotten. Sure, you had a few errors in here, but otherwise -- overall -- a huge improvement.
As for the poem itself and the content, this is awesome. Your best one so far.
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I'm glad I'm still improving
thank you very much!
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I thought about anorexia when I was reading it, actually. Then again, it's kinda all I do, so fair play... you did definately do it well though! I love how you related each myth to each part, and how you showed the "degradation" (not sure what the right word there is) from God to Beast. I love how you divided and titled the stanzas, it was done perfectly here. Also, the stories you chose were great references!
It's so brilliantly written. I love it. I see some people say it was fluid but didn't "BAM!" or sounded a bit depresonalised, but I think that helps describe it more. It adds so much to the characterisation of it, it makes it more real.
The final lines made me hold my breath and expel it slowly. I love it when poems have that effect on me. Sorry this is so long-winded, I know I didn't say much, but take it as a huge compliment, because I almost never write long comments, but I feel like I can't stop writing now!
So I'll quit while I'm ahead
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interesting. I like the subtle repetition between stanza one and two:
'until; I could see the sun./until; I could almost feel.'
The first two stanzas evoke very strong images, but the tone and phrasing gives me a detached feel.
Part three is my favorite.
This was very good, beautiful and drawing. But as you said 'i am empty' I felt that detached view. This is, in the main, a cerebral piece. However. Its pretty awesome!
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omg, you did this so well. I love all the imagery here, and they way you broke it up with the Roman numerals was perfect. One suggestion I would make would to put more space between the end of one part and the Roman numeral of the next part, so things don't run together.
The first part was my favorite, probably because it's my favorite myth, too. I was actually going to do this one, but I saw others had, too, so I didn't.
I agree with Caroline... Your ending wasn't BAM, but I honestly think it didn't need it. It actually kind of soothed the reader out; I like that.
Great job.
~Cassie
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I had to read this four times before I could comment. It's that good (as your work always is).
I adored the first and third parts, and the other two were also lovely. I think it says a lot that even though I only caught 1 out of 4 myths on the first read, the poem stands alone very well.
As Caroline said, there are a couple of punctuation things. For the most part it works, but I just got out of a ninety-minute lecture on semicolons, so the only thing that really bothered me was the use of the semicolon after all of your "until"s--I am glad that you kept it consistent through the whole poem, though, and it was probably intentional?
Anyway, BEAUTIFUL work. Sorry if I was a bit incoherent. Good luck!
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I liked the way this was broken up, it was cool.
The topic of this piece was very serious, but could've ended up cliche. It did not, just letting you know. As a matter of fact, I thought it was done beautifully
"so,
on every passing feather,
I wished, ever knowing
of its futility,
such as shards of smoke on flame,
ever harming,
useless as gold in starvation
and as words to blind ears." This was very powerful, and very well done.
I enjoyed the ending a lot. It wasn't one of those BAM ones, but I don't think that's what was needed for the piece. I think your end wrapped it up nicely and had the same vibe as the rest.
My one problem is your punctuation is a little icky in some parts. It's not how I would do it, so I don't know that it's not done properly or not, I just didn't like it in all honesty.
For example:
"I laid out seeds,
of special numbers,
planted them in my mouth
and was damned to hell
until; I could see the sun, " I don't think the first comma in this stanza is necessary. I think it makes this more choppy, too, with the commas after both the first and second lines.
But other than that, great job! I liked it a lot.
Love Always,
Caroline
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thank you so much
I'm glad you realised the punctuation, it's something I must work on!
I'll be winging over to your work soon as possible
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Incredible write
well I do enjoy the author's note you added here sweetay but why would someone hate you for writing this? its a sad rough disease to go through just like bulemia and worse than that but its really sad how younger females usually try to become models and starve themselves to be pencil thin. any ways this is really a wonderful write and I really lked how you pieced this one together. any ways im in agreence with below on what Platium said. any ways really sweetay this is a wonderful write and I always love how you write & really love you as a poet and yourself too. keep up the awesome work. your friendly lovable Tiger
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wow.
From that first stanza I knew this was going to be something special and epic. It was very alluring and captivating, something that dehydrated me and tempted me to read further and feed that thirst for more.
The piece as a whole was so ardent and magnificent, a thing of indefinable loveliness and torment. It was incredibly stirring.
You're language and images were dazzling and vividly mind-numbing. I was completely blown away. You wrote with such skill and maturity. Through this piece you appear wise beyond your years.
You are beautiful Lauren.
All my love
♥
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thank you, Kendal. I do love you, round the world a hundred times.
I'm going to catch up on your poems soon, I promise. You are so talented.
I do love you
♥
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