There is nothing more charming
than words bold as lightening
and a touch as tender as clouds.
But baby, I forgot
how charm is never love -
you swallowed me whole
and I whithered away.
Your iron-fisted godliness
is as toxic as your stomach acid.
Oh, no-one knows it better than me.
But I've found my way out now.
I've learned how to tap
all the sources of your pain
and redirect them, in a subtle blow
that I disguised
as Hephaestus' hands
after bribing that Hermes
(God, you men are so stupid)
and here I am,
put back together
with more protection than you could harm
over this cold heart and empty soul,
ready to let them know.
Oh, the things they'll know...
Author notes
Zeus wanted Metis, but she ket trying to avoid him by changing shape. Eventually he got her attention (charming her over, reference) until it prophecised her second child would overthrow him. So after their first child, Zeus betrayed her (reference in poem) and ate her whole (reference, stomach acid). Zeus eventually developed a major headache that Hermes said could only be cured by splitting his head open, and so told Hephaetus to do that(reference). Out of it rose Anthena (reference), who became goddess of intellect, fully formed and in a suit of armous (reference).
I used this ti be a story about a relationship that's bringing one person down because the other can be charming but also belittles them and is over-controlling. The victim in the relationship lases into depression, until she realises she has to find her own way out, so she builds her strength, plays at his weaknesses, finds her way out... and spreads the word.
Hope this isn't too long of a note!
A contest entry
- Invite Only #1 by sideways hourglass.
550 points, ended September 29, 2008, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
-
I didn't like the "Oh" parts. "Baby" didn't work, just made it sound a bit...well...I think your poem could do without it.
Line 2: "lightening" should be "lightning", I think.
I didn't like the part with parenthesis.
this part was probably your best lines,
"Your iron-fisted godliness
is as toxic as your stomach acid."
I did like this part though too,
"I've learned how to tap
all the sources of your pain
and redirect them, in a subtle blow
that I disguised
as Hephaestus' hands
after bribing that Hermes"
[i didn't see how the space was effective though]
Next time I want some more images. You told a whole lot more than you showed. In spots it is wordy and you could take out filler words such as "that".
Hmmm. I do think you could have done better, but you do have some good ideas here.
-
Your first stanza is beautiful. Do not change it. EVER!
'But baby, I forgot'
I love the personal touch this adds.
'Your iron-fisted godliness
is as toxic as your stomach acid.'
damned good!
'I've learnt how to tap' excellent use of space. 'learnt' is not a very common use of learn, i suggest 'learned.'
I don't think the names distract from the piece. It was not obvious how they connected really. I do not know why you feel inferior. This piece shines.
-
-
Thank you! "Learnt" is a bad habit of mine, it's commonly used in South Africa, and it's the one transition I have huge difficulty making, that minor grammatical thing. Thanks!
-
-
Beautiful, beautiful. By far my favorite in this entire contest.
One bit of thought though.
You use the names of some Gods. Do you think you could find a way to hint toward them without using a name? I mean, I know you can. You're Michelle the Amazing.
Other than that small little thing, this was fantastic.
How you used charm in the first and second stanzas was so incredible it litterally takes breath from you. I'm just speechless! Great job!
-
This went nicely with your myth, I thought it was a cool way to portray the whole thing.
"But baby, I forgot
how charm is never love -
you swallowed me whole
and I whithered away.
Your iron-fisted godliness
is as toxic as your stomach acid." I think a lot of people who have sort of fallen too deep in love could relate to this bit. I liked the swallowing image, even though it's very literal to the myth, I thought it went really well with this scenario and was kinda cool.
"I've learnt how to tap.tap.tap" I know you're trying to emphasize the word tap, but I just am not fond of this repetition.
"put back together
with more protection than you could harm" I thought this had a lot of personality. Sort of like a "Cause I'm STRONGER than yesterday" sort of feel. It was attitude, but pretty attitude
Job well done.
Love always,
Caroline
Adding your comment:
1 - 5 of 5
