Stepping into the new day as it unfolds waking gently
The land it does give me its canvass
Looking at the sun barely showing its morning hazy glow
Beauty surrounds in ever pleasing colours worthy of any artist pallet
The grass delicately iced with water droplets
Trees proudly guard; lining the field awaiting inspection
Each crisp life giving breath I inhale is welcomed and invigorating
In the distance the corn waves as a friendly neighbour
Troubles fade into insignificancy here
How I love my land. Yes my land for this is my picture
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW - by Arkbear by Arkbear.
700 points, ended September 21, 2008, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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Just wanted to note that trista was right, and "breath" was correct..please excuse my error..I was goggle-eyed by the time I reached this entry.
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THAT'S FINE
HI,
That's fine,it adds to life's rich tapestry.
KEVIN X
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Hi and welcome to the POW!
You have a lovely way of “painting” a picture very familiar to me, as it reminds me so much of my parent’s farm and the early mornings before anyone else has woken up...there’s something almost spiritual about that connection to nature. I especially loved the line,
“In the distance the corn waves as a friendly neighbour”
However...there are some things that I believe would give your poem better clarity and impact, punctuation being number one. Neon has given you some good suggestions, and I too have interpretations of how I might go about adding commas and periods. A couple of examples...
“Stepping into the new day as it unfolds(,) waking gently(,)
The land it does give me(,) its canvas(.)”
and:
“Yes(,) my land(,) for this is my picture(.)”
There are several others, but much depends on where your thoughts began and ended. Without those “road signs” of periods, commas, etc. it’s hard to know where everything needs to be placed...and equally as hard to decipher your meaning at times. Beginning each line with a capped letter makes it doubly hard, as again, this is a “road sign” that signals when a thought starts and ends.
Also good to have commas separating adjectives, as in, “morning(,) hazy glow”
and, “Each crisp(,) life giving (life-giving) breath” (As an aside, I thought “breath” was correct...but again, we each have our own interpretation of things.)
The other thing that makes punctuation so important is that it helps you control the pace in which your poem is read. Commas and periods will help slow your reader down, giving him or her a chance to really absorb that lovely imagery you’re describing. I know I, personally, felt like I was a bit “rushed” through your poem...when I didn’t want to be!
My co-judges have mentioned some of the rules that weren’t followed...I hate to sound like a broken record, but they really are important in the PO’s...or in any contest for that matter. Beginning each line with a capped letter, using white background with a black font, and including “POW” and your theme in the AN are all listed at the very top of the contest page, so I will hit you hard in scoring on that area.
The first time through any PO contest is the roughest for any poet...many of those who return will tell you that (myself included!) . But, I trust your scores will soar should you join us again, keeping some of the tips and suggestions you’ve been given in mind.
Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck. My scores and other areas of the poem I looked at will be included in final notes.
Best wishes as always,
~J.
Remember...no editing once a judge comments, until after trophies are awarded.
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HI,
Thank you so very much for your kind comments,
KEVIN X -
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You're welcome! Hope to see you back again soon.
~J.
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Welcome to the POW contest!
You MUST put your theme and *POW* in your AN.
"Stepping into the new day as it unfolds waking gently
The land it does give me its canvass"
just some tips
Do not cap every single line. Capitalize every other line so it is like cap the first letter of the first line, but not the second, then cap the first letter of the third line but not the forth ect. get it?
Also Punctuation is a big thing in the PO contest and any other poetry contest. Now what I do which nobody has yelled at me for yet is this. watch what I do with your lines:
"Stepping into the new day as it unfolds waking gently,
the land it does give me its canvass.
Looking at the sun barely showing its morning hazy glow,
beauty surrounds in ever pleasing colours worthy of any artist pallet.
the grass delicately iced with water droplets,
Trees proudly guard; lining the field awaiting inspection.
each crisp life giving breath I inhale is welcomed and invigorating,
In the distance the corn waves as a friendly neighbor.
troubles fade into insignificance here,
How I love my land. Yes my land for this is my picture."
[oh and neighbour should be neighbor and insignificancy should be insignificance]
See I added a comma on the first line but a full stop on the second line. then another comma on the next line and then a full stop on the next. so basically I just put.
........line of poetry here....,[comma]
.......line of poetry here..... .[fullstop at the end]
........line of poetry here....,[comma]
.......line of poetry here..... .[fullstop at the end]
........line of poetry here....,[comma]
.......line of poetry here..... .[fullstop at the end]
see? Hope I helped best of luck in the contest I overall love your poem. your metaphors are wonderful and it has a very serene feel to it.
My scores will be shown on the final notes.
No editing once a judge has touched you work.
vampy xxx
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THANK YOU
Hi
Thank you for your constructive comments and criticism, but please remember that I am in the UK and we spell a great deal of our words differently to you, i.e. in the UK neighbour is spelt "bour" not "bor" and different words are taken in a different context to how you would use them. Please look at my work as there is a poem based on such a topic.
KEVIN X -
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|I'm in the uk too! just born in the states
so that way of spelling it kinda glued to me. thanks for telling me.
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Hi there and welcome to the pow which is a tough contest to be in and you have thrown yourself in with some pretty tough competions with a poem that could be a very nice entry with some work my score will appear at the end of the contest be well
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Welcome to the POW for 9/19/08
I imagine you are new to the PO' contest venue, since
you have ignored some basic rules, which will be
reflected in your scores. Sometimes a poem that would
place in the winner's circle does not, due to this
disregard for simple instructions. You have neglected
to put 'POW' in your AN and also your theme/topic.
Backgrounds are supposed to be white. The light blue
is, however, not distracting.
I like the 'feel' and intent of this poem. I think it
would be much more powerful with a few adjustments in
punctuation. I have copied it below with my suggestions
in ()..
Stepping into the new day as it unfolds(.)
(W)aking gently(,)the land* shows me its canvas*
Looking at the sun barely showing its morning hazy glow
Beauty surrounds in ever-pleasing colours(,) worthy of any artist('s) palette*
The grass (gleams,) delicately iced with water droplets
Trees proudly guard; lining the field awaiting inspection
Each crisp(,) life-giving breath(e) I inhale is welcomed and invigorating
In the distance the corn waves (like) a friendly neighbour
Troubles fade into insignificanc(e) here
How I love my land. Yes(,) my land(,) for this is my picture
*I removed the unnecessary words "it does"
* canvas..a backing for painting..canvass..a poll
* palette..a painter's paint tray..pallet..a rough bed
Different spellings give different meanings. Spellcheck
would not catch these. Also, line 7, 'breathe', not 'breath'
In line 8, 'like', and line 9, 'insignificance' flows better, IMO.
Love the imagery this poem presented. A very relaxing and enjoyable read.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest.
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented. -
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welcome?
Hi
That’s a welcome! Strong words ignored.disregard.negleceted
However thank you for your time.
KEVIN
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Aloha and Welcome to POW!
First, I have to say, you have “painted”
us a lovely picture and feelings…
This contest is a real tough one…
Usually we look for uncommon themes,
titles, and writes….
Your title is cliché…and I’m sure others
will say so also…
Your words are lovely….but we look for
a bit more depth….
We also ask for a white background…
and your theme and PO to appear in AN.
Best wishes in the contest!
Hope to see you and your talents again next
week.
Write on!
My scores will appear in the final notes.
REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has
commented on your entry.
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cliche
HI
Thank you for your comments and the line (Your title is cliche sure others will say so also)does that not make all comments a cliche LOL
KEVIN
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I loved the images you painted here..."Corn waving" " delicately iced with water droplets" The love of land is a powerful emotion. Good luck in the contest
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THANK YOU X
Thank you so much for taking the time to read my poem
I look forward to writing more, spurred on by positive
feedbacks
KEVIN X
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