caught on wrong foot
investors have no clue
big names fell
flying sparks disappeared
banks went bust
stock markets corrected
when investors woke up
it is all nightmare
what started as trickle
developed into large cracks
threatened to engulf gullible public
these disasters are man made
greedy wanted to suck money
as if it was floating in the air,
some people made merry
until they realised their worth
albeit what is mortgaged
left them to lenders
to realise whatever,
avarice run through our hearts
we kill the goose that lay the golden eggs
we breath more
than our lungs could take,
finally leaving it at one gulp
to save ourselves
Author notes
*pow contest*
In response to recent financial crisis
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW - by Arkbear by Arkbear.
700 points, ended September 21, 2008, 7 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Turn those greenies into gold (or silver or bronze) #6 by whispernthedark.
700 points, ended September 27, 2008, 38 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Nice last stanza, good job. Thank you for entering the contest, good luck.
♥
whisper
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I really enjoyed this write - was well done, unique in theme for the Po's - was glad to see this took a trophy!
Well done!
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Hi there and welcome back to the POW
You’ve tackled a very current and real issue in today’s world, and I think done a wonderful job of it. Your metaphors are a bit mixed and I’d like to see some sort of continuity of them, but all in all not a problem in understanding the poem or in creating good images I can easily picture. I especially loved the lines,
“greedy wanted to suck money
as if it was floating in the air,”
and the way it connects to the lines:
“we breath more
than our lungs could take,”
Punctuation and capitalization has been mentioned already, as was being able to use filler words now by islekine...those are stumbling blocks I keep seeing in your work each time you join us.
I realize that may be your personal choice of style, which is fine...but I’d love to see you give punctuation especially, a try. You may or may not be happy with the outcome...if you aren’t, you’ll have lost nothing but a bit of time and effort...but hopefully you’d be pleasantly surprised by the difference it can make.
Just a couple of other notes...
I see a lot of conflicting tenses in your words...
“caught on wrong foot
investors have no clue
big names fell (fall)
flying sparks disappeared (disappear)”
Another example:
“we breath more
than our lungs could (can) take,”
Not only does there need to be consistency within lines, but also from one stanza to the next.
“we kill the goose (geese) that lay the golden eggs” or, “we kill the goose that lay(s) the golden eggs”
Also...be very careful of cliché phrases such as this...your other descriptions and observations and so fresh and unique, it can make a cliché phrase stick out even more. And while that may seem like a criticism, it is also a compliment on your creativity.
Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck. My scores and other areas of the poem I looked at will be included in final notes.
Best wishes as always,
~J.
Remember...no editing once a judge comments, until after trophies are awarded.
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there is not much to say that my fellow judges have said, I agree lots with neon there, I would have liked to see some punctuation and capitalization. the way I do as of late is use a comma on the first line, than a ful stop on the next so its like
"Finally leaving it at one gulp,
to save ourselves."
See? And I do that for every line comma first then full stop on the next line throughout the poem. Also with capitalization, Cap every other line so its like you'll cap the first line. but miss the second, and cap the third but not the forth get it?
Apart from that this had some amazing metaphors in this. also the topic is original and I have not seen topics on this lately. my scores will be shown on the final notes.
no editing once a judge has touched your work.
- vampy xxx -
Hi there and welcome to POW I did enjoy this read it is by ar one of the best in the contest IMHO I like it alot my score will appear at the end of the contest be well
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Welcome to the POW for 9/19/08
A good, solid look at the disaster looming over the
economy. I would have liked to see a more creative
title, something with 'teeth', but your theme is
quite uncommon, which has been lacking in the entries
of late.
Once again, I am personally disconcerted by the lack
of punctuation and capitalization. I was recently
told, "Poetry doesn't need grammar, it's POETRY!"
Unfortunately, I do not agree, and I find that any
enjoyment or enlightenment I might find in a poem
is lost if I must struggle to decide meaning or
inflection, due to lack of grammatical guidelines.
Punctuation is different than grammar, but falls
under the same auspices when I am reading.
There's quite a mix of metaphors in this write,
but I like the lines: "to suck money as if it was
floating in the air," and "we breathe more than
our lungs could take,"..these were strong images.
(note: 'breath' should be 'breathe'.)
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to
you in the contest.
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented. -
Aloha and welcome!!
This is a great write…you have
summed up the situation well…
banks went bust
stock markets corrected
when investors woke up
it is all nightmare
You could use more punctuation
in some areas…and the final
sentence….should read differently…
perhaps:
Banks went bust,
stock markets corrected
when investors woke up.
It is a nightmare….or it is all a nightmare
You can use “filler” words now,
when needed….it would help in some
places…
Best wishes in the contest!
Write on!
My scores will appear in final notes.
REMEMBER: No editing once a judge
has commented on your entry.
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Clever theme...yes, how the mighty have fallen! Good luck in the contest
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This topic is in the news now, and there are a lot of thoughts about why and how it came about. There there will be suffering as a consequence, not only among the "bright sparks" (great image!) but among people whose homes have become too expensive to keep. I don't know much about finance, but I enjoyed this poem. Best of luck.
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thank you Sandal, I am the one who admire your insights. you have the gift of grasping the problem
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