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Don't Get Lost

Don't get lost in yourself,
fool.
You seem so perfect on the outside
but you are bare and cold within.
Gaze upon yourself
Find the sweetest of lies hidden in your pupils.

Oh, those precious lies.
A reflection will be your only companion
but I see you without a biased mind.
You sicken me
Pathetic, arrogant, self important -
ass.

Vain, vain, oh so very vain!
Who couldn't love everything about you?
You're so LOVABLE
Loath-able, detestable, you...
lie.
A candid image of what's perfect -
and perfectly corrupt.

Don't get lost in yourself,

fool.
Now that your image is fading,
I dare wonder what's to come next
Gaze at the lake!
And find that the sweetest of ends lie hidden in your ego.

Author notes

I created this on the myth of NARCISSUS, a man who fell in love with his own reflection in a silver lake. Eventually he died. He gazed so long into that lake. So long that his beautiful image weakened and wasted into nothing.
How I applied:
I wrote down a few words like ego, vein, and lies. Then of course I added in the Silver Lake. Pretty simple.
I've spent a while on this.

It's hard.

But after writting down a simple list of words, I knew exactly what I wanted and just pieced them in together.

A contest entry

What do you think?

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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • sideways hourglass
    September 25, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Okay, so this is a good improvement. Next time, use some more metaphors to make stronger images. This has a lot of anger and sarcasm, and that is what made it interesting. However, it could have been better had you used more poetic devices.
    What you have here is good though.


    • Bryan-CarnelianHope
      September 25, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Yeah, it did lack a lot. I'm sure I'll get it when it's all said and done though. Just takes time is all!
      Thanks much!


  • Age of Rain
    September 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    'Don't get lost in yourself,
    fool.'

    Personally, that line breaking was really good.

    'Vein, vein, oh so very vein!' that would be 'vain' unless you actually mean the organ.

    I enjoyed the scathing tone of this and, personally, find this to be your best yet. The thing about lines like this

    'Pathetic, arrogant, self important -
    ass.'

    is that they can run too long and to no purpose. Like a bunch of synonyms trailed together. However, I think you managed to avoid over doing it and again, nice line break with 'ass.' The flow is 'choppy' but I do not find that distracting. I actually enjoy the way flows can mesh and break and distract in a way that mimics the emotions within. However, I think you'll find in this comp that 'choppy' flows are not that useful. Still, a good write. You are getting better and it SHOWS!


  • Mad As Rabbits
    September 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like this!! I like this a lot!!

    "Pathetic, arrogant, self important -
    ass. " I loved the bluntness of the word ass. It had a lot of attitude, really cool.

    "A candid image of what's perfect -
    and perfectly corrupt. " This was a really cool image. I also liked the irony of it.

    You're definitely improving I'm so impressed that you never wrote free verse until this contest, it's hard to believe.

    My one main critique is your punctuation. It's really not necessary to use that correct punctuation they take so long to teach you in school Since you have some sort of punctuation after every line, it makes the piece more choppy and wrecks the flow.

    But other than that, great job!!

    Love Always,

    Caroline

    • Bryan-CarnelianHope
      September 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Mad As Rabbbits

      Thank you so very much! Really? So should I like take out some periods? I think I see what you mean, you're right.
      Thanks again!!


  • movedon
    September 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hmmmm, seems to me these type of people fill my high school. Very insightful!

    ing alone,
    Mylee

1 - 8 of 8