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Killing My Old Man (P.O.W)

Cleansing rain falls gently

from heaven's skies,
splashing upon my face ~
its brisk drops

leave me breathless.

Drenched clothes peel off
like dead skin ~
I am naked, I feel...

redeemed.


Crimson flows from my hands
into pools at my feet ~

blood from my old man

washed away...

This, my atonement.


He is dead, gone ~
his body never to be found.
Evidence of his existence
still lingers,
serving as reminders --
yet no real trace remains.

I enjoyed killing my old man ~
his death was justifiable.
Lifting purified hands,

I am clean --
no one shall find me guilty.

 

 

Author notes

*P.O.W Contest*
Theme: Baptism
Note: The "old man" represents habbitual sins & addictions that keep you from getting close to God. This is not about murdering my father ~ or anyone!

In a list

A contest entry

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    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 35 of 35

  • Arkbear gold member
    February 6
    Edit | Reply
    Hello Tim -


    Do you happen to know where my review went?


  • angelli803
    January 23

    Edit | Reply

    impressed

    what a rare piece of art this is... you are skilled indeed dear poet... not one stanza stands out to me alone, for when all the words come together is where the meaning thrives.
    well done and good luck!


  • ebaby
    September 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    perfect poem

    Such a wonderful write, Ive never seen a poem wrote like this, it leads you to think in one direction then it is actually something all together different, no doubt a Gold on this well composed write, this is what poetry is all about! I love it... Im happy to ave read this and look forward to reading more of your work... Vickie


  • trekkergirl
    September 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is sooooo well written. I can see why this won a Gold trophy. It deserves it. This is a powerful write and the imagery is excellent. I love how you were so creative when you wrote this. Great job!


  • Rend the Veil gold member
    September 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Wonderful!

    your poem was excillent, i like your use of Analogies
    threws a diifferent spin on it, very well done, especially the out come. we are bless for His redeeming love!
    Blessings

    Rend


  • SilverQ
    September 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Woops

    forgot to read the notes, even better

  • SilverQ
    September 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    *shudder*

    Great poem....just.....dont take out a life insurance policy on me.


  • aboomer silver member
    September 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Great wording and images, very powerful in the way you have done this.
    Congrats on the Gold!


  • PrincessOfFire
    September 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very powerful write! Like here in this stanza its brisk drops leave me breathless> I've had this feeling so many times.
    And here> Drenched clothes peel off
    like dead skin, I agree with you, they feel like they are a part of you.
    Before I read your notes the third stanza made me think of the cruxifixion.
    Then the fourth stanza made me relate to His rising.
    The cave was void of His body.
    Then here> I enjoyed killing my old man ~his death was justifiable. made me think I was interperating your write incorrectly, how could you be talking of God then want to kill him?
    I must say you made me pause to think. Until I read your note I was baffled.
    I like the fact that are your proud to be rid of your sins.
    A good write. I hope to read more. Rose


  • georgie
    September 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    well penned... and a well deserved gold. i actually read this one coz my husband tis in jail atm but i was surprised at wot i found... great write,
    hugs,
    georgie,
    xxx


  • Twinstar
    September 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Awesome write! very deep! and so much thought was put into this. I especially like the last stanza, to kill off those addictions, is justifed for sure.

    Congrats on the gold! well deserved!

    Love & light
    Debbera


  • Mairi bheag gold member
    September 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh well if Dalaney likes it, I like it, and that's that!

    I am familiar with the theological/spritual concept of putting off/crucifying the old man/old Adam, and putting on the New Man, Christ... of spiritual baptism (the ONLY baptism)... This is expressed remarkably - the old man is clothes and a skin you wear, and it is washed off you with the shedding of rain and blood.

    The large, bold type shouts, it is very in-our-faces; would the words be as bold and brave and forceful in 12pt Arial? Maybe, maybe not; maybe I would worry about "heaven's skies", like whether it was tautological? (I don't think it is - I think I get what you mean).



  • Dalaney gold member
    September 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    great poem! i understood where you were coming
    from even without the a/n (what a shock, because
    i'm usually left scratching my head) and i truly
    believe the gold is well deserved on creativity
    alone. Love, Lane


  • RichardTobiasAshtear
    September 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow it appears I've finally found a poetry site where I can actually enjoy the poetry. very chilling poem.


  • Guineveres Analogy
    September 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "Crimson flows from my hands
    into pools at my feet ~
    blood from my old man
    washed away...
    This, my atonement." ~ astounding. I really enjoyed your poem. It shows that life is about the journey. We all have journeys to endure. I loved the reference to the rain. Very powerful, yet inviting. I feel I have witnessed your rebirth.
    Peace
    Jen


  • blueyez
    September 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow! lol I'm thinkin of a wife killin her "old man"!

    Peace and Love


  • trista gold member
    September 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Hi Tim, and welcome to another POW

    I’ve read this over several times, looking for something I could actually “critique” in it...but other than an often written on theme...there’s really very little. And even the theme is done so very well, that I have no issue with it. I can’t say I’m fond of the title, to be honest...it just seems far too dark and chilling for the beauty of the write...and I’m afraid there are those who will take it very literally instead of as the wonderful metaphor it’s meant to be...

    Your imagery goes a long way in showing and not just telling about a spiritual “rebirth” ~ one those who have experienced will greatly identify with. And those who haven’t...well, perhaps this will serve as an inspirational encouragement of sorts.

    I would have liked to see full stops instead of a couple of the dashes you’ve used...especially in the last stanza.

    “Evidence of his existence
    still lingers,
    serving as reminders --”
    I couldn’t at first figure out what caught my attention in these lines...but it seems “reminders” as a plural conflicts with “evidence of his existence”, singular...? Hum...not totally sure on that one. (And how is that for being picky anyway? )

    All in all, an outstanding piece of work once again, with good depth IMO and a lovely presentation. My scores will be in with the final notes as usual.

    Good luck and best wishes,
    ~J.
    Remember...no editing once a judge comments, until after trophies are awarded.


    • Xianaria gold member
      September 21, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      Thanks Julie~

      The title was inspired by the Christian band Petra who released a song by the same name in the early 80s...As for "evidence," according to my extensive research watching CSI, it is both singular & plural ~ but you can check with William Peterson on that one The multiple shadows of the former self are the evidence, but collectively "evidence" (once taken into account) is singular, so it works with the "still lingers" in the next line...

      Time for lunch with the inlaws, see ya in the SOW~
      Tim


      • trista gold member
        September 21, 2008

        Edit | Reply

        Hi Tim,

        I owe you about 3 messages now. I promise I’ll get back to you on the other things after this PO is judged.

        Don and I were talking about "evidence" and whether we've ever heard "evidences" used...I couldn't remember hearing it but spell check doesn't flag it, so I dunno. However, I do know you're right that it is both singular and plural. It still sounded off to me...like it should have been "serving as a reminder"...but sometimes I think calls like that can be chalked up to geography and how we "usually" hear something. Mostly I was thinking of devotion books and church bulletins where I've seen reference to "reminders" of "His existence". I didn’t deduct any points for it in any case. And heaven forbid I should ever question William Peterson. He’s my hero!!!

        Have fun with your lunch!
        ~J.


  • poppa
    September 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wonderful write mate... reminds me of the old saying, "the sins of the father shall be visited on the sons"...
    habitual sins and addictions are to me, partly a product of ones environment too..

    strong write, should do well in the contest
    Cheers
    Rob


  • Lost Vampyre Angel
    September 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is very very well done, I Enjoyed reading,this your flow is wonderful and so is your take on the theme. The way you wrote this is very dark and deep but it is actually about a very happy thing, congrats on this.
    I don't really have anything to critique on this.
    My scores will show up with my final notes.
    No editing once a judge had touched your work!

    -vampy xxxx


  • Soft-Rain gold member
    September 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Blew my mind!

    I loved this one, Neon you and aboomer are right.
    This very detailed, deeply wrote poem is about killing our own flesh,
    hence"old man"
    or (bad habits) to begin a fresh life.

    It's brutal truth, because if anyone has ever had to kick a habit,well it hurts and it's agony but the outcome is wonderful.
    So the imagery is amazing!

    Best wish
    Hugs
    and
    love
    ~Lisa~


  • Immortal Obscurity Greeters member
    September 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow... What an intriguing title, and an even-more interesting take on your chosen topic! I, like Neon, didn't find it to be about murder, so much as rebirth; conquering/slaying the devils within oneself to achieve a higher state of enlightenment.

    Your font is gorgeous! I also love the word, "atonement"... Elegant, yet striking, like a ballerina's foot to the face. Terrible analogy, but I think you get the point

    Well done, and best of luck in the contest!

    Laura


    • Xianaria gold member
      September 20, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Elegant, yet striking, like a ballerina's foot to the face.

      ~ Now THAT's a review!

      Thank you, your understanding of the poem is correct. Oh, and the font is "Vivaldi."

      ~ Tim

  • aboomer silver member
    September 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I saw it that way also Neon

    (edit - lol - I saw it the same way you did Neon)


  • NeonRose
    September 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I notice that everyone else thinks this poem is about murder. I did not see it that way at all.
    I saw it as a person "changing their life" by throwing off the 'old' habits, and becoming someone new. Did I totally mis-read this?

  • Starz of Heaven gold member
    September 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    At first I did not understand this but after reading this again and some little explaning I see what it is about now and it is a great write sorry about the misunderstanding and I hope that your piece dpes good in the contest best wishes my score will appear at the end of the contest


    • Xianaria gold member
      September 20, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Starz, my friend~

      I do think I need to clarify a point:
      "Killing My Old Man" is not about murder, it's about killing the "old flesh," habbitual sins and addictions that keep you from getting closer to God.

      ~ Tim


  • NeonRose
    September 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Welcome to the POW for 9/19/08

    Well, you've done it again! Blown me away!

    I saw the title, and thought, "I'm not going to
    like this..." How wrong I was!

    In retrospect, an amazing title, to compliment
    an amazing poem.

    I have no criticisms of this write. It is as near
    to perfect as I have seen lately.

    My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to
    you in the contest.

    Remember, no editing once a judge has commented.


  • islekine gold member
    September 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Aloha and Welcome back!





    Well another chilling write…
    Not my favorites to read….
    but that’s beside the point…
    This is well penned…
    I would have liked a bit
    more depth…and
    creativity……Best wishes
    in the contest!
    Write on!


    My scores will appear in final notes.
    REMEMBER: No editing once a judge
    has commented on your entry.


  • Wandering Woodchuck silver member
    September 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very nice job. Very chilling. Patricide is one of the taboo crimes, and a very old one. Your poem is very good.

    Mike


  • cutiepie gold member
    September 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow..this baptism held conviction. Good luck in the contest

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