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Dancing with the Devil.

Missing image

 

 

Stolen souls
flee on winged heels,
tripping,
faltering, hesitant.

Silken lashes tempting
providence, provocative,
enticing with eager
anticipation.

Innocence, masquerading
in stilettos, scarlet
flushed trepidation
tip-toes dangers path.

Instilled sensibility
struggles, conquers
all, this time...


 

Tomorrow's reality floods
relief, whispered sense
takes hold, abated passion
held in check.

Easy this time,
next, who knows...
a child in years,
a temptress by design.

Give back the souls,
the youth,
unsullied, untainted
beauty, refreshed.

~~~



 

Author notes

Art work by ; Bluheart Altervista.org/lady-night-moon

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1 - 14 of 14

  • aboomer silver member
    September 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Didn't make any comments in the Po - so trying to catch up a few of the entries now...lol

    I love your title - has that 'dark' edge to it, but also has a mystique that draws in the reader.....as it could mean so many things.
    Love your wording - full of great images. This would have been one of my top 3 picks - so was happy to see it took a Bronze..
    best wishes

    (love the picture you have with this! beautiful!)


    • cutiepie gold member
      September 22, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you sweetie I only added the colour and pic after the contest ended...along with spelling corrections and punctuation choices What is it they say " Can't teach an old dog new tricks" ? Lol... I do love these contests

  • trista gold member
    September 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hi there, and welcome to the POW

    Your title might be a bit on the cliché side, but it did draw my attention and made me want to know what kind of dark write I might find within...which in an ironic sort of way worked well with your theme, I thought...temptation, indeed.

    There’s been some excellent suggestions made by my co-judges already as to technical aspects of the poem, line breaks, spelling issues etc. I do want to add one thing:
    “Innocence, mascarading
    in stilletto's, scarlet
    flushed trepidation
    tip-toe's dangers path.”
    mascarading = masquerading
    Also, stiletto’s and “tip-toe’s” are both written to show possession as far as I can tell...which didn’t make complete sense to me even after reading several times...perhaps it’s just me and I’m not reading correctly, but I thought both should be plural...”stilettos” and ‘tip-toes”...with “danger’s” showing possession of “path” instead? If “stiletto’s” is supposed to be showing possession of “trepidation”, I’d suggest taking the comma between the two out.

    I agree with Neon about taking one of the two adjectives out of the line,
    “cocooned abaited (abated) passion”
    but if you do feel strongly about keeping both “cocooned” and “abated”, perhaps begin a new line there, and use a comma to separate the adjectives.

    By the end of the poem I felt this was more about innocence lost than temptation, but either way a theme seen quite a bit. I think you’ve penned it very eloquently though, and I found it rather...sad, in the end. Some good thoughts to ponder, and I think it will leave me with a good lasting impression.

    Thanks so much for your entry and joining us again. My scores will be in with final notes.

    Good luck and best wishes,
    ~J.
    Remember...no editing once a judge comments, until after trophies are awarded.

  • Lost Vampyre Angel
    September 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Welcome to the PO contests! This is a very very...interesting write for sure. your wording really impressed me and your structure really flows so well and adds that extra something to your write. I think the title was alittle ..dark compared to the write. the write was more sensual and flowing and elegant and yet being seductive secretly, but the title suggests something completely dirty and erotic, or even dark and macabre. I would suggest adding the definitions of some of the more complex words in your AN. I understand them personally but somebody else might not. although the general topic of temptation of this is very cliche your approach and wording on this, is very clever and rather inspiring. Well done. In most places this is properly punctuated but in the middle three stanzas it isn't so I would suggest adjusting that Also stilletto's >> stiletto's

    "Innocence, mascarading,
    in stilletto's, scarlet.
    flushed trepidation,
    tip-toe's dangers path.

    Instilled sensibility,
    struggles, conquers.
    all,
    this time...

    Tomorrow's reality floods,
    relief, whispered sense.
    takes hold, cocooned abaited passion,
    held in check."

    That way it slows the reader down alot more and lets us delve right into the poem.

    My scores will be sent along with my final notes.
    ~No editing once a judge has touched your work~
    -vampy xxx

  • Immortal Obscurity Greeters member
    September 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "Silken lashes tempting Providence..."

    I don't know why that line in particular caught me off-guard; probably because it was unique and beautiful, which took my breath away.

    Well done, and good luck!

    Laura
  • Starz of Heaven gold member
    September 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hi there and welcome to the pow I did find this as a well written piece a theme that is not that unusual for me I have seen it before but non the less it is a great piece my score will appear at the end of the contest be well

  • NeonRose
    September 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Welcome to the POW for 9/19/08

    A good title, IMO, one that attracts readers. Not
    an original theme, but you have laid out your
    topic with style, and I found it quite interesting
    to read.

    Great imagery in this write. The third stanza is
    excellent. Stanza four's layout seems awkward, due
    to the single word third line. I would rearrange
    that stanza thusly:

    "Instilled sensibility
    struggles, conquers all...
    this time."

    Even though its only three lines now..it reads easier.

    In stanza five, it's 'abated', not 'abaited'.
    With reference to that line, I would drop either
    'cocooned' or 'abated', to shorten the line, thus
    shortening that line a bit. You lose no impact by
    doing this, and I think it adds, rather than detracts.

    I felt the closing stanza was a bit weak, but
    over all, a good write.

    My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to
    you in the contest.

    Remember, no editing once a judge has commented.

  • islekine silver member
    September 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Aloha and welcome again!

    Aloha and welcome again!
    So glad to see your talents
    here…although the title
    is cliché…it compliments
    the poem well…
    Temptation has never been
    penned so well…
    I can’t find any technical
    deficiencies…and the flow
    and presentation are well
    done…..Best wishes in the
    contest!
    My scores will be in final notes.
    Remember: No editing once a judge has
    commented on your entry!!

  • everyone1 gold member
    September 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Intence!

    I just love the word choce ... You are very talented ... You should do well in this contest. Thank you for your coments as well.

    ~ James ~

1 - 14 of 14