`
happy to detach the cunt reins
oh, remember, there are good things about being a man
like the weight of the first head on your shoulder
and the floral ghost of perfume
her white white thigh tight under heavy hand
belly creamy and smooth
the way she moaned when you plunged inside and her eyes
confessed she knew
her sharp nail peripheral to your anus
and no matter what anyone tells you
nothing else matters
forgive me
I've swallowed the sun again
and sweat poems
a regiment of fire ants
the sizzle of nerve contact
desperate covalent bonds
holes plugged
and still the cumulative gravity of everything
is not enough to close the distance which
even with love
is infinite
in Mona's eyes there shines a hope
but it may not be shared
she averts them before I am ready
or I do
or a veil is dropped
or glass fogs
between us
ugly, sound-proof
heroin
and babies
and the imperfect hedgerow which must immediately be shorn
the miracle of a child
is the miracle of the wedge
and we will never see each other again
`
A contest entry
- Slither Me by grm.
21300 points, ended October 3, 2008, 20 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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deeply real
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More than deserving... slither and sex
hand in hand. Well done.
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loved this...though, personally, i prefer sex without the prostate exam. lol
thanks much
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This is quite an intriquing write full of brilliant word couplings. The first half was very captivating, tho it seemed to subside as it neared the end rather than combust. Best of luck to ya, not that a write of this prowess is dependant upon that fickle lady.
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"ugly, soundproof
heroin
and babies"
*nods*
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i just read this like four times and i still don't have anything substantial to say. it's perfect. the first part is so sensual and full of closeness i guess which makes the consequent distance more heartbreaking. i wish i could write poems like this about men but it doesn't really work the same way i think. maybe i'll become a poetic lesbian
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Oh, though it's not the same subject, I thought you did a good one about men with "Man Shampoo". NOt that I'm trying to discourage your aspirations to lesbianism. Meow.
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That second stanza is wonderful beginning with the pureness of the head on the shoulder and the floral ghost of perfume (beautiful line btw) and ending with the sharp nail to the anus. Nope, nothing else matters.
Yep, good stuff.
Desiree
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anus
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good stuff
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That first line needs a jock strap there Ed! I can relate though. There are some wonderful lines here but the last one cinched it for me. Great poetry!
Mucxh Love ♥
Renee
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Loved the opening lines and the contrast of contradiction of it..so softly said and admitted. There are good things about being a woman too. My eyes stayed quite a while in those lines... This is great poetry - somehow a soft tone here, yet it's also real and filled with longing and/or melancholy.
The closing lines are super and I liked the repetition of wedge and again the contrast there. A child as a wedge...very thought-provoking way to end this poem with... such a lingering quality about it. Great poetry, Ed.
~ Nicolette
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"the weight of the first head on your shoulder"
i love that line.
and this whole stanza makes my eye lids heavy...
and white thigh tight under heavy hand
belly cream and smooth... with all the moaning and plunging..
you did with the end what you do with the ends- observe beautifully.
m
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Hmmm well i believe the first line needs a cock saddle to go with that but I digress...and I think the trotting motion upsets the balls with a slight jarring motion that i would find rather disconcerting, unlike the rest of this poem which I find on the whole quite to be elegant and smooth and cumulative in its sadness. C
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Oh wow, fantastic line alert:
"I've swallowed the sun again and sweat poems" - I adore that line, very well done.
I'm doing this kind of backwards as I'm going back to the start now, but I had to mention that line first in case I forgot (my memory has always been terrible for everything that matters) anyway,
Your opening is very touching without being barfy:
"oh, remember, there are good things about being a man
like the weight of the first head on your shoulder"
the head on the shoulder image immediately pulls some emotion from the reader, nice lead.
I love how you broke down what the distance actually contains. It's all too easy to just state the distance and perhaps compare it to a desert or a highway, but personally, when I read a poem, I want to know what every mentioned 'thing' actually holds within it, in detail - you done this with this section very well:
"or a veil is dropped
or bars
or glass
between us
ugly, sound-proof glass
heroin
and babies
and gas mileage
and imperfect landscaping which must immediately be addressed"
I'm not convinced by the repetition in the ending. The ending is strong and perhaps stronger without repeating "miracle", it immediately has connotations of religion anyway, so unless that's what you're aiming for, it might be best to keep it singular, rather than the focus of your ending, which I would say should be more on the "wedge".
This is one of the best I have read so far, it's clear there has been work and time put into this (if not, well done you) but it appears polished and well thought out, this reader appreciates that.
Very well done and thank you for the read.
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Thanks. I think you may be right about the repetition of miracle, and i may excise the first instance.
Ouch. If there is a religious connotation, it is unintentional, though, just the same, it is repulsive.
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