down the valley
of my thoughts
the amazon of your words flows –
~cupping the canoe of my fate
in the lush womb of unborn victor
it’s leading my being to the horizons
[of hushed flight]
oh! I’m winged now
soaring high and high…
I’m finally painting my destiny
‘pon heaven’s canvass
I wish I could voice the zephyrs
and harp my thanks in it
so, every time when you breathe
you hear it within your soul…
A contest entry
- a light... by PrabhuDayal Khattar.
300 points, ended October 1, 2008, 15 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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My first impression is that I like this very much.
This is what I see:
my inner journey
takes place upon
the river of Your words
all is in Your hands
in Beauty and Promise
guiding me through this life
[while also the next]
spiritual flight takes me
ever closer
to be nourished and shaped
according to You
my joy excels my suffering
please, hear my praise
make my being none other than You
my movement Your work.
Your poem is a great pleasure to read. I don't think it necessary to put the last line of the first stanza in brackets, as it distracts. I think, Include it or not... include 'of hushed flight' because it's beautiful!
The whole poem, for me, points towards union with the Beloved and so in the very important ending:
'so, every time when you’ll breathe
you’d hear it within your soul…'
This seems to imply a separation of oneself as His witness. Wouldn't it be 'closer' and more appropriately expressed as something like:
Every breath in which you make me
makes me the known and heard of You.
I do hope you wont think I have overstepped the mark by commenting in this way. I very much admire your poem and the line of thought I believe is present here.
All the best to you and congratulations on your well deserved honour,
although I think this is very much a potential Gold.
Sol
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thank you so much for leavin such a sweet suggestive comment....actually the whole point of inspiration behind tis poem was a teacher an' jus tats why i put that 'soul' thing in that last line! x)
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humm..how beautifully you capture the uncaptured vision of the life?.....I love it..well done..and thanks for sharing it..
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