I read in a book about an ancient race, how they treated the women-of-war. What more is a woman good for? Especially to a man...
Blazing eyes wrought hate for glory,
for the payment of her race.
The men-at-arms stood hard at hand,
none could wrench from her gaze.
They ravaged and pillaged a world unknown,
for what can a man see in Her naked eyes.
He sees fear, or naught but the solemn whites,
yet never the bloody vein of cries.
So she bore alone with her vengeful thoughts,
ashamed to show her face.
They lived and bore and uttered not,
a word to save her grace.
To fight is not a woman's place.
Their purpose bears more weight.
These hard men stared at blazing eyes;
Men long braved the Golden Gates.
Kingdoms won for their damned glory,
She had no race but one.
Alone it suffered yet never dwindled.
Their purpose forever to come.
To bear more men or monsters strong.
To fight for glory and pride.
Who had no fear at all but one,
that showed only whence they died.
I'll probably work on this for a long time improving it. I'd appreciate constructive criticism.
Thanks to Rainydaywoman for her help regarding the pacing and some wording of the poem.
Be critical. I know it's very absract, so feel free to tell me what you didnt understand
Comments
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A broad, deep and beautiful portrayal is all I'm saying.
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Nicely done! I hate to just make a quick comment and run, (so unlike me) but I must as I am running out the door! I'll come back to it sometime time this weekend!
Thanks for the "shout out"!
Have a great day!
Harper -
grrrreeat poem!
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Thanks
So no improvement required in your eyes?
...Flattered
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Oh, dear! I forget to reward you with my little yellow clapping men that you so dearly deserve! Here they are!
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You gave me clappy...people
In your first lengthier comment -
lol no offence but how do you know they are men... and you didn't give him\her the clappies... xD
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Oh aye
In a poem about the feud of genders you had to bring that up...
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lol xD
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Crap it! I don't know what's happening today! Those thingers haven't been working, but I just noticed I already did give her clappy dudes, so it's okay! Ah, all better . . .
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It's a him
Thanks for your comments -
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Ha. I guess my computer wasn't showing images. Otherwise I'd know you're a dude.
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Dang! I love this piece! To me, I perceive it as an epic tale of battle between men and women, and the rivalry is intense! Normally I don't like rhyme, and seldom do I tell a person I like theirs. (Heck, I suck at it myself. ) But you did an amazing job with the rhyming pattern, since the words flow together well and it doesn't sound forced or cheesy. Truly, I don't know why you want to improve --although I guess everyone wants to get better-- but I don't see anything to improve upon! I utterly enjoyed reading this, and it was a subject I feel strongly about, so good job!
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The poem evolved
I wrote it initially to portray how women were used (All around the world). How they were just there to bear sons (bear the purpose with weight)..
But your view seems really nice. And made me see MY OWN poem through new eyes. I never saw it as a battle between men and women, I thought I'd portrayed the women as weak...but yeah, revenge lies in the eyes, and never dies, although slow to break free.
As for improvements, I wanted suggestions like Rainydaywoman (below) gave. Not much on the subject matter (but feel free to critique)...but more on the metre and pacing of the poem, as that was what seemed rather 'off' to me.
Anyway, thanks for dropping by. If you have any of your own poems you want me to swot over then send me a message, or I'll just go look at the one with least comments.
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Wow.
A rough piece, but wonderfully insightful. I am just going to copy your poem here and go from line to line.
I can't believe that no one else has looked at this yet! I am honored to offer my suggestions.
"Blazing eyes wrought hate for glory,
For the payment of her race.
The men-at-arms stood hard at hand.
Not one could wrench from her gaze."
Ok, so there are some things going on here. Line 3 needs a comma, decapitulize "The" in line 3, and something isn't flowing as well as it could for the end line, although I don't have an exact fix for it. I love the beginning though. Wonderful.
"They ravaged and pillaged a world unknown,
For what can a man see in a woman's eyes.
He sees fear, or naught but the solemn whites
Yet never the bloody vein of cries"
Maybe get rid of the "for" in line 2, and maybe instead of "a woman's" maybe just substiture the word Her. With a capital H to show prominence. Then a question mark at the end of line 2 as well. Comma needed at end of Line 3, Line 4 possibly veins? Something about the meter just doesn't work as perfectly as it could. Period at the end of Line 4.
"So she bore alone with her vengeful thoughts.
Ashamed to show her face.
They lived and bore and uttered not,
A word to save her grace."
Comma at end of Line 1, decapitulize Ashamed. Everything else is perfecto.
"To fight is not a woman's place.
Their purpose bears more weight.
These hard men stared at the blazing eyes.
Men long braved the Golden Gates."
Get rid of The word THE in line 3, possible comma at end of line 3... and the "men long" here could be "strong men" or something that flows easier.
Wonderful, again.
"Kingdoms won for their damned glory,
She had no race but one.
Alone it suffered yet never dwindled.
For their purpose was ever to come."
The meter here is good, in line 1 and 2.... is "ever to come" meaning forever to come? If so, maybe put forever in instead, and get rid of "For" and "was" if you do put in forever.
"To bear more men or monsters strong.
To fight for glory and pride.
Who had no fear at all but one
Which showed only once they died."
Comma at end of Lines 1 and 2, Possibly "They" instead of Who in line 3, comma. Maybe "That" instead of Which. and maybe "Whence" instead of Once to keep the theme of the poem going.
I know it seems like alot of critiques when I look at my comment now, but this is a very strong poem that I think is very special. Take what you may use from my comments and love and light to you!
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Thank You
I'll be using most of your suggestions. And I appreciate the 'a lot' of critiques. Could I message you once edited so you can feed me back again?
Love
Sameh
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