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Yellow poetry

Sounds bleed

in the background

squished into poetry the color of yellow

 

you left a bad taste

in my mouth

but I lived inside your eyes

and saved echoes

in empty pockets

while the moon fell between my words

 

I drift in pages

now stained

and look for purpose

the hum of sad tunes

lull me to sleep

on long lonely nights

of manufactured fantasies

 

and streaks

on the glass

remind me of your face

somewhat abstract

inside October's colors

that symbolize your wisdom

in some odd way

 

I’m filled with flaws

and trip on my own tongue

 

                 often

 

but what’s stated in poetry

spins clockwise

and leaves a trail of black fumes

determined to find some kind of function

sifted through the hour glass

 

and if you follow my footprints in the sand

you’ll find an illustration -

morning rituals

complete with coffee

in one hand

and a pen in the other

 

                 poised

 

ready to bleed yellow

because red is just too messy

 

 

 

9/18/08

Author notes

Prompt: Yellow

A contest entry

I'll show you mine if you show me yours...

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments

1 - 13 of 13
  • Melissa Gayle gold member
    January 31

    Edit | Reply
    I really thought you were on my list -

    but you should be. This is excellent.


  • DolceVito gold member
    October 17, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Excellent

    Excellent write, deserving
    vito


  • bird at rose
    October 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    I wish I could pick a favorite stanza, but a few lines jolt me from the quality

    S1 holds those phonetics being more raw now, because you can fuse it into an inspiration. "sound" represents your attention turned highly. However, I thought "the color of yellow" is too redundant with the title. Your second section gorgeously weaves the stare to be so captivating, as your heart's pump. With, "in empty pockets while the moon fell between my words," you've kept a scaled notebook, with complete room to carry memories, stronger than any emotion to put in your 'shirt'. Verses four and five didn't pop their full potential, though.

    I drift in pages now stained and "of manufactured fantasies" give a double thought of flipping through your scored brackets. Or, contrition comes over the accidental mark on clean paper that's almost indelible, yet I'd like to point out it seems you zigzag to telling rather than keep presenting in-between those two quotes. There's a resonance by, "on the glass remind me of your face" ... an idiosyncrasy in the cracks, shaping your beloved one's anatomy or raindrops, pulling out your memo of those special eyes right through your own sight. That felt like an implementation, compared to the filler, "somewhat abstract" and a couple times you end the idea with "some," resembling you can't define it yourself.

    Of your fifth couplet, "and trip on my own tongue" signifies how you may be running your keynote through, not noticing a figurative board in the road... but writing gives a monotoned path you can recover on. I can't fully smile from, "I’m filled with flaws" as it didn't smoothly express what I think you're trying to say; the next line did. To finish the thought in the next stanza, "but what’s stated in poetry" could be tightened to "but lilt statements spin clockwise," that'd be the first line in my view to not afflict your wonderful voice. The imagery would be that an unedited moment turns 180% to not lose your rhythm in trying to find a sunny moment in cursive! However, verses 30 and 31 don't quite have the succinctness.

    In, "and if you follow my footprints in the sand," it appears you were making a connection to the previous line, but I feel it borders cliche too closely. And, the simultaneousness is already a fairly known example with consuming a poesy in, "complete with coffee in one hand and a pen in the other." I'd like to read this revised to give me something I couldn't see before, like you have every other notion in this piece.

    The ending gives natural poignance, though I'm sorry I was so heartfelt I had to try my first full critique, I am open for contact if you need further explanation,
    Daisy

    • zochit2me gold member
      October 3, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      That is an excellent critique...
      Now if everyone else would just be honest like that, the world would be a better place to live.

      thanks for reading and food for thought.

      ♥Becky♥


  • Randomly Beautiful
    September 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh I loved this. The more I read the more I changed my mind about which part was best. Good stuff love.

  • Rowan gold member
    September 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I loved that ending. You use alliteration and device so effectively hon. A yellow poem done very very well.
    Thanks for entering this.

  • Cinnarry gold member
    September 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "spins clockwise

    and leaves a trail of black fumes"

    Oh indeed. Just excellent.


  • luvfamilyluv
    September 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    moving i love the depths of emotion you open like pandoras magic box.
    sandy

  • tara wilson gold member
    September 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    excellent, Becky

    I love:

    "but I lived inside your eyes

    and saved echoes

    in empty pockets

    while the moon fell between my words"...

    and "manufactured fantasies"

    the ending, is so powerful..

  • Suzanne Dia
    September 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i love yellow
    it is a happy color for me


    you keep bleeding yellow
    it is beautiful





  • Yvette Champ gold member
    September 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Well done, loved the metaphor and usage of colour. The last two lines are tight as a nut!


  • notorious
    September 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "squished into poetry the color of yellow"
    It could just be me, but this line read very awkwardly...

    "and saved echoes
    in empty pockets"
    LOVE THIS!! Like an echo is something tangible, almost...nice effect there.

    "and look for purpose"
    It's not always the stunningly poetic lines I love...simplicity is poetic too, and I love this!!!

    Coolio use of 'manufactured'...although I think you'll find 'fantasies' is 'phantasies'...AHAHAHA

    "inside colors of October"
    Hmm...I think you use 'of' too much sometimes...maybe "October's colors" or something else...
    [or ignore this entirely ]

    "I’m filled with flaws
    and trip on my own tongue
    often"
    Hell yeah.
    You have written lines everyone can relate to...kudos for that.
    Best part, IMHO.

    'footprints'<--one word

    "you’ll find an illustration
    of morning rituals
    complete with coffee
    in one hand
    and a pen in the other"
    LOVE!
    Another 'of' though? Hmmm...maybe re-format it to be:

    "you'll find an illustration -" [insert that dash]
    morning rituals
    complete with coffee
    etc., etc."

    I think it reads smoother and has less repetitive 'of's' that way.

    I love the illustration though...it's so clearly depicted, and coffee...you adults and caffeine.



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