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Rebirth of breath

From a distant corner

life moves

inside etched eyes

that lean forward

to breathe my air

in exchange for emotion

 

unfolded thoughts

lost to unknown dimensions

full of empty clutter

 

a paler shade of cold

 

sensations strip sleep

with the precision of surgeon's hands

blinking behind this damn cursor

 

unsettled

like old and worn pottery

 

the center piece of conversations

words that just fit

sometimes hard to swallow

while force feed

 

the sun sets

in a concept of brilliance

like a picture of a portrait

with two faces

sifting remains of prayers never answered

 

and time gets smothered

while it pulls

energy with deep implications

trying to rebirth me

in the realm of possibility

 

yet somewhere

between the lungs and lips

I remind myself

 

               just breathe…

 

8/27/08

Author notes

Prompt: breathe

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • Amunet Wolfbane Moderators member
    October 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This reminds me of my mind roaming. A nice glass of wine, candlelight and my thoughts dancings. It has a soft, romantic quality the weaves magick of the mind. Lovely job.

  • Rowan gold member
    September 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I forget to do that too... just not as poetically.
    You are a master of metaphors, hon. Excellent.


  • tara wilson gold member
    September 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "unsettled
    like old and worn pottery"

    yes, I find myself like this a lot...lol...and need to just breathe..beautiful poem


  • notorious
    September 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Love this!

    You haven't written anything in a short while, and it's so good to be reading your stuff again.



    Yeah, that first stanza has flawless line breaks and flow...really nothing I can nitpick. How about...me gusta lo mucho?

    "lost in unknown dimensions"
    I think your 'in' could potentially be changed to a 'to', making it: "lost to unknown dimensions"
    It sounds more like a struggle/battle [to me] that way, which I think would add impact.

    "a pale shade of cold"
    I like the separate line break.
    I actually want 'pale' to be 'paler', to make it seem like there was also coldness present in the past, maybe...
    Of course...you are allowed to hate all my suggestions.

    LMAO...

    "surgeons hands"
    Hmm, looks like a possessive form, which would make it "surgeon's hands" with an apostrophe.

    However...I think "surgeon hands" would sound better than a possessive form.

    Nice reference to the cursor, I love it.

    'centerpiece'<--one word

    Oh MAN, you love the word 'implications' don't you...and also, the implications you create by using that word.



    Every instance you used a gerund...
    I didn't mind this time.


    Fe


    • zochit2me gold member
      September 18, 2008

      Edit | Reply

      Crazy Gurl!!!

      Yeah i am diggin some of your suggestions...
      Will probably change the in unknown to to unknown...it does sound better. And the paler I actually had that and changed it but it does sound better than pale, so changed it will be...I did also have surgeon hands at first but do not like the way it sounds personally...whoops on the possessive 's...

      I have been pretty busy at work lately and not had much time to write...plus everything I wrote sounded like corny shit to me so I had to back up and jack up

      good to see your comment
      as always very helpful


      ♥Becky♥


      • notorious
        September 18, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Nah, your stuff is always good

        • zochit2me gold member
          September 18, 2008
          Edit | Reply
          Well thank you kindly
          but really it sucked shit through a short straw.

          it would make you ...seriously.

          I actually wrote this in August and have been tweaking it since for this contest.

          • notorious
            September 18, 2008
            Edit | Reply
            "sucked shit through a short straw."
            Is it just me, or does that sound like something I'd say...? LMAO!!!

            The tweaks are good.

1 - 8 of 8