Sally Sue slept soundly
in a cardboard box
with an old army coat
thrown over her
without a mother’s love.
It was so cold;
it was so lonely.
Tonight,
she would of cuddle
with a straggly teddy bear
in the shape of a man.
Even though
she’ll have to call him daddy.
It was all the same to her.
The streets were monsters
ready to gobble her up.
She was red riding hood
and the wolves came in rags
smelling of cheap booze.
Author notes
ga·mine
Pronunciation:
\ga-ˈmēn, ˈga-ˌmēn\
Function:
noun
Etymology:
French, feminine of gamin
Date:
1889
1 : a girl who hangs around on the streets
2 : a small playfully mischievous girl
In a list
A contest entry
- Do the Dictionary #2 by fortyninereasons.
600 points, ended September 21, 2008, 14 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Constructive Criticism
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Very Good
I thought this write was great. Paints the picture of a struggling young girl all alone in the cold, cruel world. It also makes you think about where the girl belongs, and what she deserves, and then it takes you back to her sad reality. Anyway, good on you. I think you did an excellent job with this. Keep it up. Jani
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This is a very imaginative piece you have penned here. Enjoyed the read. Well Done
Juls
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I like stories!
This is a good one ... I wonder what the first one was like? I felt sorry for the girl too ... wondered what she was doing out on the street and why she needed old straggly teddymen for anyway ... wanted to hear more of the story 
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I plan on turning it into a series like the dreamscape series. I still have the original poem. You can see it if you want. I liked that version as well, but I felt it needed a revision. It was so choppy. Maybe with your help, I can still revise the original. *shrugs* Anywho, thanks for the comment.
- Aly
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Yeah, I likes this better
.
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This isn't my favorite poem of your's, it seems different in some way, a lot more story telling and event-naming plainly than usual, but I liked it still, especially nearer to the end. It was sad
I felt bad for the little girl 
.
GREAT job
diggin it majorly
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I didn't care for it which is why I asked for help in its revision. I mean the story is all nice, but it needs more imagery and emotions.
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