A long dragged out process of finding what medication will satisfy the illness. In and out of hospitals pills only keeping you stable for an average of six months. Doctors experiment with your life it seems. The rabbit that fails, now I am back on the top floor of the hospital prisoner in a white room, being stared at in a peep hole. The caged pressure drags you deeper inward to thoughts of depression and why me?
This is humiliating, ripped is the pride I once walked a tall, now I feel slouched and drained of rights of freedom, because my brain doesn't fire electrodes when needed. As a heartache the heart malfunctions, but in mental family has been told by society
I am weak and can't handle the tough things in life. They ridicule you and poke jokes, as if you are death and not mentally ill with schizophrenia, their ignorance made me see how ape like their IQ's are.
Even when told what it's all about by Doctors, they persist to find humor on past words and actions I did while medication was not working, to build their low life ego up. Sorry, anger at no help during this process still fills me.
The process of excepting I am ill and it won't go away like a cold. I ran and ran from reality how could this happen at the age of forty-two. They said it was very uncommon, but it happens and it happened to me.
Hurt came when my ex-husband punched me in the left temple over a matter of stupid rage, so dumb, words he doesn't deserve. But it started, I would hear voices between the static in radio stations, so faint, but I kept listening.
On it progressed I found people in my dreams, I would be in search of until I found them for real. My hygiene suffered I thought I was being watched and didn't want them to watch me cleanse. Things started to freak me out.Reality was unreal how can these voices know what I would see tomorrow and find in my travels, also world happenings they would tell me.
Peoples deaths, it got so much the world was in a bright white light, I needed sunglasses or my eyes would seem to feel, as they burned. Through all these events I tried respirdal, serequl, geodone and then abilify, which held me to a reality state of mind. But it makes me tired and drool when I make conversation, side-effects, if I take them in the evening they aren't so bad. I take the pills at night so there not, as eminencely disturbing.
Socially I was always a wallflower feeling out people before I meet them, But I find mental people are more friendly and out going they just say Hi and smile, unless they are over drugged and you can see it on their faces. I want to just cut their pills. I know one Doctor wanted to pill me up and I fought it in the hospital. It was when I was on respirdal. I told him that I ran around like I was on speed. He replied with, I can give you something to calm you down, such in such a name. I said no, can't you just cut it I think it's to strong. We found a happy dose, but I thought I was better and stopped taking it. On I went to a different Doctor same hospital that is when serquel came in and an onward same thing happened over a period of six years.
It is hard for me to deal with stress I steer out of it. Or I close my hearing of it, as they say it went right over my head. I can't stay with a conversation very long, especially if its of no interest, which interest has dissipated, as life's pride and ego has gone. Here I am today in my own apartment trying to keep myself from stressful situations, like living with someone else's troubles no matter how simple, can shut me off to thoughts and I go sleep it off. Sounds like depression, but its not its an escape to sanity. I know how much I can take.
I also have a pinch nerve in my back from when I worked, as a CNA in a nursing home, I have to lay down or find a spot sitting where it isn't in pain, standing in one spot will do me in for a week or more, so I keep hoping inside. I feel my pride coming back slowly, as I have moved and not many people know. And my big mouth humiliating relatives I left behind.
Author notes
I give permission
references; Penn Foundation
Norristown State Hospital
Self
true story
A contest entry
- Writing Workshop On Disabilities Fall, 2008 by kareneisenlord.
3500 points, ended November 15, 2008, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Wow, this is very deep and sad.
Sorry that you are going through such a
rough time in your life. Take care and
thank you for sharing your story here and
for taking the time to enter this contest.
All the best to you in your life, take care!
Jeremy0826 -
Wow!!! From one schizophrenic to another, Well done!!!
I can very much relate to many of your words here, especially the avoiding stressful situations, I kinda shut down if it gets too much... You're not alone & until the world is more tolerant to our needs & understanding of our condition we will remain an unrecognised minority group.
Well done for getting it out & sharing it with us...
Good luck in the contest,
Take care,
Fritz.............
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You are very brave!
You jumped right in and showed us a profile of your life and your soul. It is very interesting and intense getting a first-person, real perspective on an illness straight from the mind of the person experiencing it.
It sounds like an extremely frustrating situation indeed. The hospital, the doctors, your family and society in general. We are still in the dark ages when it comes to understanding mental illnesses such as schizophrenia.
I am a semi-retired occupational therapy practitioner and I have seen the hospital/doctor/family situation from both sides too; having worked on a psychiatric ward in a hospital and myself having to deal with my own illnesses. One psychiatrist even told me once that I have a little bit of everything. I don't care anymore.
I think that a lot of it is the stress and unnatural circumstances and lack of support and awareness that we are forced to live with these days. I am almost glad that I can understand what others are going through to some degree - although we each experience things differently, nomatter how exact our diagnosis is.
None of what you describe is your fault. And when you say it is out of ignorance that people treat you the way they do; yes, that is the truth of it. The medication thing is a horrible trap also. I have been there myself when a medication gives me side affects and then they try to give me another one to help with side affects from the first medication. It goes on and on like that, until your body doesn't know how to deal with anything anymore. If I took all the medications that were prescribed to me, I would have been a real mess by now, and I was.
Medication is useful; but only if properly given and closely monitored. I always had that problem too; where the dose was way too high for me. I would start something on a quarter of what was recommended. I'm off meds now; as much as possible and only when it is absolutely necessary and in emergency situations. I'm trying to approach everything through diet, nutrition, keeping occupied and spiritual/holistic/alternative medicines - which works best for me.
I understand well what you mean about wanting to sleep things off. It's like a certain threshold and then you need to shut down. It really sounds like you need to be in a more supportive environment. Is there a support group for schizophrenia that you can join? There may even be some on-line, but the real, in-person thing is better. Some hospitals have them or can refer you. You may be able to find some support groups listed on line in your area.
Our group for people with disabilities has some help/referral lines that you may find useful. Here is the link;
http://allpoetry.com/board/topic/268572869
I wish you all the best and healing on your journey. Your write is very insightful and gives a wonderful, inside view on what it is like to deal with schizophrenia in the world today. My only suggestion for improvement on your write is to just break it up into more paragraphs - the last paragraph could use a few breaks in it (maybe make two or three paragraphs out of that one). It is just a suggestion, for easier reading.
Otherwise it is a great work! Thank you for your entry!
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