two minutes (two hours?)
is all it takes to
break me.
in fourfour time,
you plucked the strings
that you sewed my heart by
and with a pretty sound,
you trimmed them
all.
like the beaten top of a
bass drum mallet, I hit
my head against the wall
one-two-three-four-one-two-
third time's a charm.
and worthless tears quickened the pace
of a fermata,
cut off sh-
ort.
sharp fell flat;
I stutter:
two minutes,
and the curtain falls...
performance called off,
finding the duet was never even
written.
~~~
Author notes
very personal. he was my best friend and later became my boyfriend... and out of nowhere he broke up with me. now i can hardly look at him. hurts.
at least he wasn't mean about it.
critical comments please?
In a list
A contest entry
- JUST WRITE ME A POEM by Swan song.
2400 points, ended September 20, 2008, 40 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
...
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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Excellent
True talent here! Dig the metaphor and I'm really impressed with your knowledge of music.
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aw.
what a metaphor for such a sad situation.
it fits just-about perfectly.
and me being a musician, I love all the images used & how effective they are in strengthening the melancholy tone.
yeah, that was ramble-ish.
basically I liked this a lot.
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This was brilliantly crafted. The fusion of musical references and heartbreak makes this a powerful off-beat write. Thanks for sharing.
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and worthless tears quickened the pace
of a fermata,
cut off sh-
ort.
sharp fell flat;
I stutter:
thiss bit here, i really like. i havent read anything by you in a long while, and this part here really stood out and had a very nice flow. anyhow, hope youre doing alright and stuff =]
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I love this!!!!
Well, part is because I'm such an incredible band nerd
but this is still really well written.
"and worthless tears quickened the pace
of a fermata,
cut off sh-
ort." I enjoyed that quite a bit, especially the word short.
"like the beaten top of a
bass drum mallet, I hit
my head against the wall" I am a percussionist. Wellll mostly mallet percussionist, but still. This imagery was especially enjoyable for me, but even without that background, I would still love it.
I hope you're doing better nowadays.
Great write.
Love Always,
Caroline
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Indeed, I love music-themed poetry, and your use of poetic devices is just over the top. I was in your position a couple years back, and I know it's not easy. But things do get better, and I hope that writing this has helped to ease the heartache somewhat.
A refreshing (and VERY welcome) break from the emo smut that has infiltrated this site. I usually tear a new hole in most people's poetry, but it's so hard to find fault with something as heartfelt as this is. If nothing else, you have a stunning vocabulary in your favour, as well as a maturity beyond your years.
Most beautiful indeed, for sometimes, pain brings out the true beauty of things like love.
I hope you feel better, sweetie.
Laura, aka Immortal
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Thank you so much for your comment... Means a lot. I try not to be emo, though a lot of my emotions feel like it sometime.
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great use of music and rhythm in this poem. I'm studying Keyboard so could totally relate. I love how you've used music as a metaphor for your relationship. I like how it seems that he won you over with music and thawt's how you're relationship began, than the poem moves into the metaphorical and music transitions from being the real to be representative of something. Great work. The only thing i would point out to you is that this poem won't be accessible to everyone. Not everyone has a musical background and not everyone would be able to understand or appreciate the ideas used in this poem. Also what's a fermata?
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Fermatas are notes that are held out for however many counts the conductor wants... He or she can cut you off or make you hold the note longer. The symbol looks like a semi-circle with a dot in it.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fermata
Thank you for your comment.
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I hope Cassie is feeling better. You can turn pain into beauty very well. But I can also make Jack pay if you want.
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It's a little bit better... We had a little talk yesterday or the day before... He wants to be great friends like we were a few months before we started going out, and I feel great about that. I want to date him still, but I'm glad we can be together. Being friends with him is so much fun, too.
And my poetry sucks. *hides*
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I'm glad you and Jack are good.
But now I need to find someone to chase with my crowbar.
Oh, you just said your poetry sucks, well... -Chases-
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eeeeeps! *flails*
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This was a very fine poem after reading a number of poems that need work this poem is refreshing becuse you took some times with it Well done poet!
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Despite the sad melody here you really did a marvelous job of applying the musical theme and metaphor here. Lovely writing, Cassie...and a big for you...
~ Nicolette
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Though I am probably musically illterate I love all kinds of music and esp love when you use musical allusions in your poetry, turning heartbreak into a sad melody. This is sooooooo good.
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I found this such great fun, the metaphorical allusions apt and witty, your fermata cut sh- was a hoot. You don't hold a candle or a grudge. Neat.
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Great job Cassie, think you could lose the two 'with's' so close together but apart from that its great. C
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I don't have any critical comments, but this was like really sad. Really really good poem, but really really sad meaning. I'm here if you need me. Okay, well not exactly here in this spot, but you get it...
This probably isn't the best time to say this, but your situation kind of goes with the song That's What You Get by Paramore.
Anyway, see you.
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how do the words go?
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here are some of them:
I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here
Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here
I still try holding onto silly things, I never learn
Oh why, all the possibilities I'm sure you've heard
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
That's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating (beating)
And that's what you get when you let your heart win, whoa
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... Can I kill him? Please?
This was a beautifully worded, erfectly laid out, heart-breaking poem. IT was amazingly written, but now, all I can think is "Can I kill him?"
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