Your voice slithers through my skin,
lucid melodies haunting my every step
as I valiantly struggle to soldier on,
my head held high, to conceal the fear
of stumbling into your cursed path.
Strength deserts me; weakness whispers
in an unknown language, insistent
that I return to you, and for a moment, I crave
the pain I so embraced when you denounced
our union, like a whim you no longer cared to indulge.
Crystalline eyes, placid as ocean breezes,
though I know too well what lurks beneath;
if I glance too closely, I will most certainly drown,
smothered by despair; your iron fists around my throat
as you drag me beneath your sea of lies, unwilling.
Your breath is toxic, phosgene within my lungs,
and it strangles me, a witless victim of your cowardice.
Steel tongues caress the edges of my fragile psyche,
and I shudder as your presence penetrates my every thought,
raping my mind at knifepoint until your cruelty is sated.
You hold within your hand my imminent fate;
like cancer, you will be the death of me.
Seeping into my veins, a welcome intruder;
a thief in the night, you ravage my essence,
determined to get what you came for.
Author notes
I've been feeling really down lately; This is a difficult time of year for me, as there are a great deal of unpleasant memories associated with it. If you want to know the story, I'll tell you... Otherwise, it's just a poem, and that is all, so please critique it as such.
Definitions:
Phosgene: A colourless, odourless poison-gas; often used as a weapon in chemical warfare.
Oh, and gummy bears rule.
In a list
A contest entry
- Poetic Challenge Group ONLY!! by luckynsincere.
600 points, ended September 22, 2008, 6 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - No rules just Write by catalyst..
320 points, ended September 22, 2008, 23 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Your favorite by whispernthedark.
790 points, ended November 7, 2008, 56 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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wow very well written. Best of luck in the contest. Keep on writing, ~TC
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This is a very powerful poem. Anyone that has ever felt like they have been made a fool of or has a broken heart will relate deeply to this. I love the stanza about his eyes. Great poem, thank you for entering the contest. Good luck.
♥
whisper
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i'd love to hear the story. just IM me. p.s. great poem good luck abd thanx 4 ur entry!
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I am such a sucker for these dark writes. Very well penned entry.
98
**Ktulu Blackwolfe** -
It's an interesting lament and well written. I was impressed with your use of the term "soldier on" one not often used by a person of your age. Good luck in the contest and happy trails
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Seeping into my veins, a welcome intruder;
a thief in the night, you ravage my essence,
determined to get what you came for.
those would be my favorite lines, the metaphors and imagery in this was great. good luck in my contest
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Love the darkness here, to be able to write out your emotions so well is a talent, so often feelings can overwhelm the words making it less poetic. You have penned a superb piece, with some gorgeous imagery throughout. An excellent read, good luck
Score 98
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'my every step' -> just 'every step'? 'soldier on' bothered me a bit, not sure why.
nice alliteration with weakness whispers.
while I still liked this one, it's much wordier than then other I just read.... It's clearly well edited and simplified, but still too much somehow...
Both of the last stanzas starting with "You*" bothered me a bit. Perhaps 'Within your hand lies my fate" or even jsut "My fate is within your hands" (which is cliche, arg. But rewordign it just masks the reason it might sound wrong...). Maybe just Your hand / like cancer / the death / seeping into my veins / welcome night-thief / essence stealer... hmm, I lost it after that
Nice work!
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I find a lot of words.....and a ton of descriptives.....but the storyline ....for me.....was hidden beneath so much imgery ~
Lots to ponder though with this write.....nice ~
97.8 -
Intense and obviously painfully personal! I love when a poet can tune into their emotions with such passion. I love it! It flowed with ease, and took the reader through your soul.. well done!
Mel
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wow, this is so wonderfully written. The flow is just perfect. You've written your pain out so beautifully. The emotions in here are so well portrayed that they're almost tangible. I feel as though I can relate to some of the emotions here and it brings up memories. I just adore the way you write and the vocabulary that you use. It's nice to see a poem that is written with such beautiful words instead of overused ones.
I have a contest open and one of the options is for vocabulary. You should really enter. I'm sure you'd do great.
Anyways, I love this piece. I'm sorry that this is a difficult time for you and that you've been feeling down. I hope things get better for you.
~Steph
x
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wow, this was sad. But at the same time, it was amazing. Much better than anything I could ever do, Much better.
Great write! -
Oh. I read this before and couldn't find the words to comment. Chokingly painful.
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Wow this is so great! I'm sorry about how you feel...
You're in my prayers
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I felt the depression dripping in this poem, and unfortunately, I can relate, too. I think this is a great write, so keep penning!
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Yes, the welcomed intruder bit is definitely a bit of a paradox, defeating the purpose of each other, but still beautiful when written together. There is pain in this write, a lot that can easily be seen, and not nessecarily relate to.
I pray that things work out for the better! -
Really like the opening - very effective verb use creates mood and imagery. Language reflects tone very well. Some great metaphors really enhance this and there is a definite sense of personal engagement going on, it's evident this means a lot to you and your feelings are communicated very effectively to the reader. Flow works well and the use of free verse is appropriate. I can relate to this and compliment you on your technique. Great write, thanks for sharing and good luck in your contest.
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