Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Inside and outside

in the bush
a singing nightingale -
the dog pees

Author notes

2) Random and weird funny stuff
"I don't want to eat a kitty"
-------------------------------
*Flora/nature
-------------------------------
++
Three pins
-------------------------------
Zvrhlik
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_kigo
nightingale belongs to spring

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 59 of 59

  • Ms.Daydream
    January 31

    Edit | Reply
    LOL! It made me laugh so much! You tried to make it like a haiku right? Well, I think a haiku is supposed to 5/7/5 syllables. But I used to do it that way too.
    I've got to say this that as random as it is, I really didn't expect the ending. What a fright the nightingale must have, an offense! =P It shows that something normal ruined the pride of the show. Great one!
    Good luck in the contest! =D


  • DogFish silver member
    December 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    well...everybody's a critic!


  • FloridaGatorQueen silver member
    December 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    LMBO The ending threw me off. I can't stop laughing. LOL I enjoyed the read!!! Thank you for entering my contest


  • SmartBrick
    November 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Great!I liked it!

  • StarGrrl
    November 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Wow! You have entered this poem into a lot of contests. It is a little weird and funny, but is a nice Haiku non-the-less.

    Would be interesting to see what you could do withthat topic in a longer version. Maybe write a series of Haiku on the topic using each Haiku as a new stanza. The dog and bird thing is funny. Just a thought...

    Good write.


  • treelhs
    November 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for your entering.
    It was a really funny poem. Good luck to you!

  • piccola silver member
    November 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this is really a perfect haiku LOL. It has the setting and certainly the aha! it brought a smile to my face and made me forget for a moment ... thank you for entering

  • GattonDweller
    November 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    hahahahaha! very funny, I enjoyed that

    Thanks so much for entering and good luck!


  • georgie
    November 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i dont normally read haikus but ive never seen a funny one before and this one was funny,
    hugs,
    georgie and shane,
    xxx


  • Riamh
    November 17, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you, I enjoyed the read


  • Loki silver member
    November 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    There is a ten line minimum, it wouldn't be much of a challenge to avoid the anti word bank words if you only had to write a nine word poem. Thank you and good luck in the other contests you've entered this haiku in.


  • My Milieu
    November 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    LMAO. Hey Don! I've already this though. I've read all your stuff. =)


  • daviscth silver member
    November 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I don't write Haiku so I'm afraid I can't offer any advice. But I can tell you that I enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing with me.


  • Sunkissed xo
    November 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Haha this is wonderful! I'm so used to reading so may serious poems, one with a bit of humour to it is so refreshing well done to you! good luck in the contest, thanks for entering and making me smile!

    Chin up,
    Summer Moon xx


  • poetrandy
    November 7, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Real cute!

    Different Haiku! Good Luck In the contest!


  • HomeGrown
    November 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Well, it's hard to write a really detailed comment on such a small poem. Overall, I liked it. It's definitely a spring time image, that's for sure. And it was even good for a laugh!


  • ourgirlFriday
    November 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply


  • TabbyCat
    November 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    So...while this poem definitely had an unexpected ending, it wasn't really powerful or thought provoking. It did, however, make me laugh. Thanks for that, at least!!!!


  • glitterydoom
    November 2, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    you should of seen my face when I read this, apparantly it was a "priceless moment"

    thankyou for entering the contest my freind made for me
    good luck


  • whispernthedark Greeters member
    November 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for entering the contest, good luck.

    ♥
    whisper


  • mcw120588
    October 31, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    an interesting few words. definately made me raise an eyebrow searching for something in it..still not sure why one would connect it like this but i must say effective non-the-less. thank you

  • burningchild
    October 31, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    funny

    this poem is rlly funny. it is visual too. its rlly cool


  • Anu-Nataraj
    October 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!
    can u beleiev it..other few poets.. wrote like 35 lines or sumthn....and this made me laugh like CRAZYYY!!!!!!!
    hahahahaha
    awesome write!
    good luck,
    Anagha-Natara

  • Judith Chandler
    October 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thanks for the humour and the contrast in tone between the second line and the third line, and thank you for entering my contest.

  • headintheclouds
    October 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    The dog pees ??? Ok than... Good write! Good luck in my contest! Thanks for entering!


  • BleedingBlackTears
    October 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    ok then? not sure what this is supposed to fit under? its funny but it doesnt seem to fit if you can enlighten me do so if not i dont mind you trying twice more i will allow anyone three tries


  • Dirty and Broken
    October 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    you ndidn't say what you wanted to be!
    please do so...and get back to me, okay? o ri'll have to DQ you...


  • leander Moderators member
    October 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This is the first haiku I come across with in this contest, and I quite like it actually. I have tried before to master the skill of writing these, but disastruously failed in my opinion.

    There is a good AHA-moment in this one, didn't see it coming actually. Well done!

    thank you for entering the contest
    Leander


  • Forgotten Anomaly
    October 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Alright, you made me laugh for the first time in a long time. I read it three times thinking I'd mis-understood but I guess I did not. Thank you for entering.


  • trekkergirl
    October 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    you know I gotta say haiku's are not my most favorite of poetry. But it definitely does work well if you know how to write them. You do them very well. thanks for sharing and thanks for entering this contest.

  • crosscountry07
    October 24, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    HAHAHAHAHA! YES! Oh the ending is gold! Total gold! Thanks for entering my contest and good luck! -Liz


  • writeroftoast
    October 23, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Funny haiku. I loved the way that you completely took a peaceful natural poem and made it your own brand of humor. Good luck in the contest.


  • catalyst.
    October 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    heehee i loved the ending


  • Olivias Violin
    October 19, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    LOL


  • etoile
    October 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    this was a bit shorter than I was expecting for my contest. however it was a really interesting piece, just not right for this contest.
    I liked the imagery though.

    thanks for entering and goodluck


  • aanika
    October 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this is definitely personal (I'm guessing), and had an interesting meaning and imagery
    but it's rather short and took me a while to take in.


  • Symphony
    October 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This made me chuckle alright when I read it; it was one with an ending that I wasn't expecting whatsoever, and so got the whole "wide eyes, momentary confusion" look after I finished reading it

    It being such a short poem, [Haiku!] there is little that I can say in commentary; made me chuckle - and was well structed, can't think of any suggestions to be made for improvement!

    thanks for entering this, I enjoyed reading it greatly


  • storiesuntold gold member
    October 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Interesting view here

    Oh the little things most people ignore yet life thives in the country good write here


  • edit my world.
    October 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    this isnt what i was lookin for


  • wingsofgold25 silver member
    October 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    A very nice Haiku.
    Thank you for your entry and good luck in the contest.

  • Topnotchsy
    October 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Haha, this made me laugh. Short, but I love the juxtaposition of these two aspects of nature, both important in their own way. Hope the dog didn't pee on the bird Best of luck in future contests with this piece, and congrats on the past trophies.

  • whispernthedark Greeters member
    October 11, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This made me giggle at first read, then I read it a couple of more times and when you really think about it I think you have captured life in these three short lines. Great write, thank you for entering the contest. Good luck.

    ♥
    whisper

  • Starz of Heaven gold member
    October 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    haha I thought this was funny Thank you muchly for entering this into my contest bewst wishes and much luck be well


  • SignifyingNothing
    October 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Aw, this made me smile. Quite funny, actually. And you can read into it all kinds of things; like the way life is- the little things of beauty juxtaposed with the ugly reality of life. Again, I am probably reading too much into it. But it's certainly an interesting take on the prompt. You definitely have a flair for the unusual and unexpected. And I like the way the title explains the poem.

    Nice job.


  • Miss Chievous
    October 3, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    LOL! Great but simple!
    Good luck!


  • Jade.Butterfly gold member
    October 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    lol,
    Cute thanks for the smile.
    godd luck in the contest.
    -Mandi


  • etoile
    October 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    ap name in authors notes please. and I'll comment for real later.


  • SchizoChic
    September 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Cute. This made me laugh. Best of luck to you in life and in this contest.............................


  • Midgetbridgey
    September 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    hahha this is funny =)
    and good
    and interesting


  • Rizzie
    September 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    interesting. very small, yet also very simple, but it really describes the world in a sense. best of luck and thanks for entering!


  • BehindTheShadow
    September 29, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Original haiku!


  • Dark Otter
    September 22, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Pure Envy!

    I wish I had done it. For a PW it fits the prompt perfectly. I smiled, ear to ear to see such jest.


  • SilverWolf
    September 21, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    that is weird...


  • Meroza
    September 20, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    uumh..


  • MargaretG
    September 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    smart

    While a haiku usually does not have a separate title, in this contest it points to the reason the poem is entered, thank you. I take this as a metaphor, as well as two images - the first is lovely and hearkens to Persian mystical poetry, the second is mundane and made me laugh. I like this approach to the epigram, good thinking here.


    • maa gold member
      September 21, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      yes, margaret is right, the first line of the haiku is as well the title ... here, your title would be "in the bush" ...


  • Maldronah
    September 19, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Incandescent

  • maa gold member
    September 19, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    ps. of course, I assumed that the dog plays the sceptic and the bird the mystic, in your scenario ...
    but of course, it's not an obligation !

  • maa gold member
    September 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    holy cow of rajasthan !
    this is truly an unexpected response to the prompt in every possible way ...
    not only can't I stop laughing, but, also, I think I'm getting your point : after all, each of them has to do what they have to do !!! could it be otherwise ?

    a perfect example of impartiality and equanimity, seeing things as they really are, without mental deformation ...

    a masterful haiku as well, with a more than excellent aha moment ... this could become a classic !

    let's see what my collaborator shall say about this ...
    thanks so much for your participation,
    maa

1 - 59 of 59