Lying in bed,
The phone rings,
Getting up to get it,
Walking down the dark mirror covered hallway,
Reaching the living room,
The T.V. on and just static,
The phone stop ringing-
You turn around,
Out of the corner of you eye you see something,
You turn again,
Then you hear, "Over here!"
You turn again-
Nothing,
Finally you turn to go to your room,
And you turn face to face with a stranger-
A flashlight flicks on and the face is visible,
It is a pale face,
No eyes,
No nose,
Just hole and a mouth.
And the wrinkles,
The stranger grabs you,
Ties you to a chair,
Then a movie starts playing,
It has pictures of a woman,
Then a tree,
Then someone is coming out of a well!
Then out of the T.V.
You try to scream but nothing comes out!
Then the lights come on.
Able to see everything,
The phone rings,
Do you dare to answer it?
Walking involuntarily to the phone-
Answering it,
A low, raspy voice comes on,
"Don't go to sleep or you shall die!"
Author notes
It wasn't the best I could do.....I really couldn't think of anything good. I have seen tons of horror movies but nothing in that scared me. It isn't really a poem..its more of a story.
A contest entry
- Terrifyingly Scary by Freak-in-BlackJeans.
450 points, ended September 22, 2008, 13 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
It sucked didn't it!
Comments
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I love this. It is like a story of "The Ring" in poem mode. I absolutely loved it and it did scare me a bit. LOVING ITTTTTTTTTT!!!!
Except the title though. It was interesting, but I didn't find it appealing.
Naoto
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THANKS!!!!
Yeah...I don't like the title either. It wasn't really the best I could do. Please read some of my other poems.
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Work On It
First, responding to your notes, poetry is far more flexible than the tongue and verse that is so common now. Telling a story is perfectly fine and this IS a poem, though not ordered; and that, by the way, can be no limitation at all.
Second, the problem here is that you are forcing many images into a very small space. Attempt to focus on one, particular image that struck you and expand upon, dig deeper, and describe all emotions as if they were concrete things that could creep across your flesh.
Third – and this is helpful in everything creative that you write – if you have something in your head, try to visualize it in a different way. Start changing the story, injecting yourself into the world, or looking at things from the “opposing” standpoint. This has helped me, especially when writing fictional stories, and in the telling of such poetry I believe this stratagem may assist you somewhat.
General suggestions:
The main thing is to NOT force things into being. Try writing a poem on something more specific, more of your own. And, this you may like: focus on describing things as thoroughly grotesque as you can. Use advanced vocabulary, like malignant, eviscerate, postulating, that always makes me smile. I just wish poets and novelists wouldn’t be so afraid that they will outsmart their readers. It’s not as if there aren’t a thousand dictionaries at our finger tips nowadays…
Remember these are only opinions and I’m telling you these simply trying to help you, as my fellow poet and writer, as much as possible. I would be happy if you take but one thing of what I say; but, more likely, I’ll never learn of it.
Anyway, ranting aside...
I do not think this is a horrible poem, but it’s not good. You can make it work, I feel. I would like to read more from you in the near future. But: take your time. In the circles of poets I’ve walked, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve found someone whose stated that it took them a year, or several, just to finish one poem; personally I think that’s ridiculous, but, once more: that’s just my opinion.
I sense that you can become an accomplished writer, perhaps more a novelist than a poet; but I hope you continue writing regardless.
I give you one invisible applause. =() YAY! -
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Thanks
I agree with alot of what you said. It isn't very good at all. I won gold though. Thanks for all your constructive criticism. Please read a few of my poems and tell me what you think.
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