I never thought I would hear myself say this,
but...
I miss church.
It hit me when I was listening to "Variation on
'Commemorative Transfiguration and Communion
at Magruder Park'"
and it turned into this old hymn we used to sing in church,
and I just remembered how...
terrible
the band was, but how much I
enjoyed singing in church and
I feel like even though I don't agree
with a lot of Christian practices,
I agree with group singing.
There's something about hymns in general
that can bring a group of people together.
Even if I'm a liberal, and the old lady in front of me
is conservative,
we both sing
"Let all things their creator
bless."
And there's something beautiful about that.
I could be a murderer, and my pastor wouldn't care.
But I still kind of feel like I'm not
allowed to be spiritual because I would
have preferred to bang
one of the apostles rather than Mary Magdalene.
Is that blasphemous of me?
Hell if I know.
But it's weird. I've only started enjoying church
singing when my mom
drags me back to St. John's Evangelical Lutheran Church
on Christmas and Easter. Back in the day
when I actually went because
I believed and loved God, I hated singing.
Am I mourning a loss of community?
Because I really don't think anyone believes what I do.
I stopped believing in "God"
but never in "god"
and he's known tons of names in my mind,
from walgreen's and the accompanying motion
to just "you."
and I feel like no matter what I call him, he looks out for me.
and I feel like that's more than I've ever received from
anyone I refer to as "you" in real life.
Late at night, awake, I can talk to "you."
and "you" will listen.
it's just so weird, feeling in my bones that something's
out there, but not knowing if it cares or not.
Freud would probably have some sort of weird dependency
issue to point out here,
but all I can say is
I am a firm believer in you, walgreens, and the one commandment:
don't be an asshole.
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