There are times in life
when there is never enough sun
nor whiskey to wash down
the collection of feelings
pouring down on man.
No umbrella large enough
To keep the rain out of one’s eyes
Always looking at the horizon
For something better
Walking amongst the poor souls
Chasing nothing but dreams
Dull drizzle telling tales of
Depression and sulking masks
Suffering cocaine blues
Weaned off by cheap gas,
Cheap credit and dark notions
For dark times to come …
We’ve become the gluttony
Fed by the constant craving
For which we don’t need
Our neighbor forgotten
In the clouds
In times like these …
Author notes
Option 10: Rain
A contest entry
- 40 song titles. by etoile.
600 points, ended September 29, 2008, 35 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites, come and get them by Ryno.
638 points, ended November 24, 2008, 25 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - H.M. Trophies Only #3 by AliceinPoetryLand.
600 points, ended May 11, 7 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 14 of 14
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Excellent! Such a very thought provoking poem indeed. Thank you for this entry
Gaylene
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Gaylene, many thanks for the contest and also the gold awarded. I appreciate it a lot. Take care, Rachel.
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When I read this, my honest first impression was "geez, you captured our world spot on." And, you really did.
How true is alll of these things, so brilliantly described with moving emotion: hope, sadness, greediness, temptation, drugs, alcohol,
darkness.
A couple tips: A) You may want to look into changing the title. I think it is too blunt and too cliche and that it doesn't exaclty capture the ideas of your piece fully. It isn't something that would exactly draw me in to read the piece if I was just going through titles, you know?
You may want to fiddle around with your linebreaking too. You had pretty much the same line lengths and stanza lengths throughout and it made your piece lack emphasis on certain thoughts and certain ideas where you want the emphasis given.
Besides that, really a great portrayal of the world. -
feeling it
~prewrites, come and get them -
Suffering cocaine blues
Weaned off by cheap gas,
Cheap credit and dark notions
For dark times to come …
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i loved that stanza. it seemed so angry to me and i like it.
the imagery is amazing throughout the entire piece.
and i really liked the first stanza when you mentioned that there isn't enough whiskey to wash away feelings.
great write. i enjoyed reading it
thanks for entering
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Thank you for your contest and the variety of options! It was a pleasure to participate.
I'm glad you liked my poem and many thanks for the honorable mention.
Love, Rach
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No umbrella large enough
To keep the rain out of one’s eyes
Always looking at the horizon
For something better
Cheap credit and dark notions
For dark times to come …
whew, no kidding, huh?
There's too much to love about this write. I have a thing about rain. It signifies so many things to me, as I see you've captured here. There is a soft insistance I find appealing. Beyond games, kind of thing...no more laughing at one another, no more bickering, this is me raw and real ,and I need for you to hear me.
I have a thing for this type of beauty. I dont know what I will name it. and since all the Good names are taken
, then I'll just call it a new realism.
Very nicely done, blessings alwys,
jin
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awesome writing. i like your choice of words.
No umbrella large enough
To keep the rain out of one’s eyes
Always looking at the horizon
For something better
wow powerful write Good luck. thanks for the read and keep on writing.
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this is sooo dark, and mysterious too. it made me feel in the rain walking in those streets.. you pictured it wonderfully.
"No umbrella large enough
To keep the rain out of one’s eyes"
this makes me feel like i have so much problems falling from the sky over my head, and that nothing could keep them away from me.
"Walking amongst the poor souls
Chasing nothing but dreams"
you're so talented, it's obvious. good job! and keep up the good work
the more you write, the better you become. hat's what people tell me. i hope they are right.
sherry
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Wow. Very rich and well-written. I love the imagery. I can feel the weariness seeping out of the poem
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very good
i really liked how you wrote this one, it has a black rain cloud over one's head feel too it. -
Beautiful Rain
Dear Lord the lines...We’ve become the gluttony
Fed by the constant craving
For which we don’t need
Our neighbor forgotten
... they just caught in my throat... I don't know how many times I've felt the emotions expressed in this poem... My God, the imagery is perfect... I so wish I had some applause left to give, this poem is so inspirational to me. -
Bravo
A perfect metaphorical rain storm aptly written. Good color choice on the background which really helps set the mood as well. The final couplet ending in an elipsis was a nice stroke as well... sort of like the overcast that extends beyond the horizon... ah.
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wow....hmm...a sad take on rain...deep, but sad...
well done, nonetheless...good work.
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