Your words just fell about like fire on ice,
you were the world for me, oh how they burned.
You laughed, you chose between us with a dice.
What misery to be the woman spurned.
Ill not lay down and die at phantom’s flight,
re-live with eagle eye the caustic scene,
nor even waste a sigh on memories blight.
You opened up these eyes oh man of mean,
You left a heart half broke, make no mistake,
to chide this home-spun fool - re-vamp your lies,
absorb the surly lesson in your wake,
there is no turning back from such goodbye’s
For kisses in new arms I’m ready now
I wallow in their warmth and TLC,
no more the cold desire of crippled vow,
my new love has re-named the mellowed me
Amazingly you still trip through my head,
and there are days my eyes spill sullen tears.
The once upon a time that should be dead,
still hold’s a sting of music for my ears.
A contest entry
- Rhyme and Flow part 10 Goodbye - 50,000 points series by cricketjeff.
10000 points, ended September 21, 2008, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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effortless flow and rhyme and still you have not lost the emotion and meaning of the piece. gorgeously executed. consistent all the way through with a strong finish. the last stanza is my favorite. "The once upon a time that should be dead" - don't we all have at least one of those. i enjoyed reading this. - Mary Jo
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I think it is important to have a good end linedon't you
thank you for commenting
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Bandit Appreciation!
Thank you for your entry to this weeks reading list
your paticipation is appreciated!
The Poetic Bandits
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Excellent...
An absolute brilliant piece of visual imagery you have penned here...Surprisingly this poem has had a strong affect on me, it holds an incredible amount of feeling, expressed so well...you have penned a heartbreaking touch, and I'm so pleased you are strong enough to move forward from that relationship into a more loving one
Nice rhyme and flow, the title says it all and intrigued me to click and read, well penned
~Lilac
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Thank you for reading Lilac I am pleased you liked it.
Peace
R
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Can relate to this totally. He will one day realize what an idiot he is, but I hope you keep your firm resolve.
I enjoyed this very much.
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And so I shall , Thank you wolf heart,
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I love the part about the words falling about. I hate how accurate this poem is! I know what you mean and it's a bad position. I'm really glad I've taught some of these words as a school teacher so that I know them now. Cheers
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Thank you M12. Its nice that you liked it,
R
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Ooooh!
This is painfully real! Written with passion, deep feelings of loss & with a great flow & rhyme! I do think you should go back & look at your grammar. I see a few places where you weren't consistent in your punctuation & some where you could use other markings! All in all a fine write.
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Thank you Kathleen For the kind commenting, Glad you liked it.
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This poem has a wonderful rhythm, I really enjoyed the read and I think that this is a very well crafted take on the prompt of 'goodbye'
the end of it was so bittersweet - just perfectly done - thank you for sharing!
Keep writing
Polly
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Thank you polly I always appreciate your comments
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I love this it describes the recovery from love spurned really well. It is well written, and both the rythm and flow amaze me, it is short and to the point without being abrupt.
WELL DONE!!!
DW
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Thank you DW, glad you liked it.
R
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A good write. Heartfelt. Very nice simile. Good flow, rhyme and tone. Nice imagery. Deep expression of emotion. Good word choice, alliteration and assonance. You express your feelings clearly in this piece.
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Thank you Shelly for stopping by,
R
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Wow this is amazing. You can cut the hatred with a knife. I liked the line "You opened up these eyes oh man of mean". I also liked the last two lines in the last stanza : "The once upon of time that should be dead, still holds a sting of music for my ears."
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Thank you lady A
Peace R
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This is a powerfully emotional write that expresses the hurt and pain so well but it ends up on a note of healing and hope. Very well written, good meter and rhyme and emotional tone and depth.
Dennis
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Thank you for commenting Dennis,
Peace R
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Thank you for your entry in the final contest of the series. Another fine poem from your pen, a joy to read as always. Thank you for also being a regular contestant in the series.
All the best and please join us in may future contests we may hold for rhyming poetry.
Sue and Jeff
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