I hear them by my side
whispering poison in my ears.
They drift before my eyes
drinking from the blood and tears.
They take my hand and spin me
in a reckless dance,
leaving me breathless
suffocating in the trance.
I look to you for help
allowing you to see.
But you run from me screaming
at a glimpse of the ordinary me.
Author notes
Well?
Critique and give suggestions, please.
Comments
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What can I say about this? I think it was good. It kept my attention the entire time. "But you run from me screaming at a glimpse of the ordinary me." I liked that line a lot. In Love & Light... Blessed Be! ~~Iridessa MoonFlower~~
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The first time I read it I felt it was very dark and quirky. Second time, just dark. The last line startled me--you never expect the "ordinary me" to be the one that frightens people. It flows very well, and the rhyming doesn't seem forced.
I just feel as if the phrase "blood and tears" is overused. You know, the emo teenage poetry about how the world hates me, no one understands me, etc. I feel that you could replace it with something else not so banal.
Good job on the poem.Very well written. -
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I will try to reword it.
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When I first read this I thought it was cute. Then, I read it again, and I saw it was much deeper. You are showing the reader the fear we all have of showing are true selves to others and what they might see. Our inner fears that may be divulged is really scarry. To tap on that in your poem is truly insightful.
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Thank you for your comment!
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I thought the idea behind this poem was very clever- the fear of letting someone in and trusting them, and the abandonment that can occur as soon as that happens- and liked the language used to describe it in this poem. I would have liked a cleaner read though, perhaps a constant syllable use for each line, since I found the discrepancy a bit distracting. Have you also considered using thicker language, in the sense that it expresses the same idea in less words?
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thank you for your comment.
I will work on improving it.
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I can, in general, be quite critical of rhyme (I prefer free verse) but I enjoyed the rhythm of your unforced rhyme here. I think the meter was very smooth and allowed me to read fluently.
I will say, in my opinion, words such as "tears" are overused in teen angst poetry, and I think this poem deserves better than that.
The poem had quite an interesting message, I think the ending was the strongest part overall.
Thanks for sharing.
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I really enjoyed your poem. You had a great rhyme scheme that didn't interfere with the message of the poem. What I take from your poem is that not everyone is privy to the essence that is you. We keep ourselves hidden sometimes to protect ourselves from those around us or we just go along with the 'dance' even if it is not for us. When we are revealed it isn't always for the best. Is that right? I was not sure what you meant in the line 'drinking from the blood and tears'. Other than that though, it was a well-written poem and I look forward to reading more of your work.
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that's an interesting take on the poem. I was more intending the 'dance' part to mean that we are forced to dance, rather than just go along with it. I've heard quite a few different interpretations of this poem already, surprisingly. I love how different people get different things out of it.
Thank you for your comment!!
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lol... reminds me of myself and my family... missed you too
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lol. i don't know about your family...but i thought it would remind you of you
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