I was walking down the street,
when a man grabbed my feet.
His eyes were bloodshot and cold,
he was a drinker of course and very old.
He coughed in his hand and said.
Young man listen to my story,
I promise you it's not boring.
I'm seeing things that are created by my brain,
I feel as if I may be going insane.
For the past years or weeks,
I've gone through some major mental tweeks.
I dont know what went wrong,
but I cant even remember a whole song.
Bits and pieces of it float across my mind,
I try to ignore it and any other kind.
I must've fell and hit my head,
because I'm always asleep on my cardboard bed.
I sleep all day and most of the night,
my mind plays tricks on me and gives me frights.
At one time I was brilliant at math and reading,
but since I'm on the streets,
the last thing on my mind is to succeed.
So with my story get a good education and stay in school
because when you get out you'll find out how the world is cruel
A contest entry
- -Bohemian Rhapsody- by sailor ptolema.
1100 points, ended October 9, 2008, 26 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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yes, the world can be a cruel place, but the whole world is not cruel
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thanks for entering.
pt
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I found the fourth line very damning and the ending damning too. I liked most of the rhyming and the story was interesting. Good luck in the contest
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I can't quite connect how his story of a wandering mind follows to his admonition to stay in school. Also, it bothers me that the poem for the most part rhymes in couplets, but in a couple of places doesn't.
In line 4, how do you know he's a drinker? Can you smell the whiskey on his clothes? Does he slur his speech? Describe.
In line 11 you misspelled "tweaks". -
Great!! Loved it!!
Great rhyme,flow AND story.
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wow
Very powerful and well written.
Warmest,
Mylee
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