six sharks sweep slowly seeking scented feast
in ocean blue disguising their intent
reef dwellers socialize in good times spent
such careless creatures blind before the beast
in closing distance, quick attack released
like monsters they begin a swift portent
prey struggles now in blood red thrashing vent
death in their capture, happy singing ceased
full and content they disappear once more
reef dwellers tally losses and remain
until they do return to feed and doom
remaining fish survive spared from their gore
some partaking of scraps lamenting pain
family and friends a snack now to consume
Author notes
1. Miltonian – Rhyme scheme: abba abba cde cde. Challenge: Iambic pentameter should prevail; however, change a few lines to another meter, but with a noticeable pattern.
i think i got the meter better and the rhyme scheme too, maybe 
A contest entry
- Serious Fun with Sonnets - II by Peripatetic.
1500 points, ended October 14, 2008, 5 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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The poem begins with a haunting, daunting line of alliteration compelling the reader's attention to the coming drama. The octave is presented from the point of view of the sharks in a nearly flawless iambic pentameter. The sestet turns to the aftermath of the shark attack as the reef strives to return to life as usual. Here the meter becomes more irregular and elusive. To a certain extent this works for the poem's juxtaposition of the fright and confusion of the reef dwellers with the coordinated purpose of the sharks, although I am not sure if this was the poet's intention. The poem might be easier for this reader's ear to follow with a more consistent meter in the sestet to complement that of the octave. For me, the sestet meter need not be the same as that of the octave, just more consistent within those six lines.
The poet's words and meter flow from her mind to the reader. What one reader sees or hears may not be the same as the poet's intention or what was heard by someone else. Metrical points aside, this is a very fine poem with plenty of drama to hold a reader's interest. Compelling content for a reader's mind is more important than purity of structure for a reader's ear.
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Potent!
Great story line, rhyme, meter, a fab write!
I'm on my way to bed
& now I'll be dreaming of sharks feasting! 
Excellent choice of words,
I love the way you start this:
six sharks sweep slowly seeking scented feast
in ocean blue disguising their intent
reef dwellers socialize in good times spent
such careless creatures blind before the beast
Bravo...
Honestly from start to finish I wouldn't change a thing!
I'm amazed at how you end this:
remaining fish survive spared from their gore
some partaking of scraps lamenting pain
family and friends a snack now to consume
I wasn't expecting this! Snacking on family & friends. 
This is serious fun! Trust you'll do well in the Contest. 
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love the title of this sonnet, and the sonnet looks very well placed together. I felt this poem was very creative, and imaginative.
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thanxu
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you did an amazing job with this sonnet, my dear young friend ! how many 16 years old poets can claim to create a beautiful sonnet at the first take, integrate all the fancy rules about rhyme, meter, volta etc., and come up with a fascinating story as well ?
well done, elizabeth !
maa
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i had to redo it because i did it wrong the first time i messed up meter and rhyme scehem so its really second take thanxu
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Well I've never been a sonnet person, mostly because, Im too dark. Yet coldness doesnt always surround me, I just dont like to make my work rythme either. Yet interesting sonnet, enjoyable indeed. Good work lass.
Sincerely,
Deathwolf Tasagka
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This is a lovely form indeed! A very well penned piece for a first attempt!!! Great imagery and thought woven within! Dark and thoughtful - very unique! Nicely done!
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I love it~ it is a fun poem start to finish -- EXCELLENT ~ Good luck in the contest!
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