within this world there is a place,
somewhere secret, somewhere safe,
with gates so tall they scrape the sky
and dare you try to sneak inside.
though daunting, they are never locked,
obliging those who simply knock,
they open wide, a path beyond
that if you follow starts a bond,
between yourself and what exists
if down this path you do persist
for all the miles it will require
with little rest you soon will tire.
but should you march until you can't
success will come at that instant,
a prize you'll claim upon arrival,
if you complete that final mile.
a village down a hill you'll see
population soon to be
two, where there was but one,
eternal love it will become.
this endless journey I would complete
and were it necessary I'd repeat
a thousand times to find the girl
who spent the time to scour the world,
to knock on a gate and be the first
to take this path but in reverse.
she'll walk towards me and I to her
as time and place begins to blur
it's just us now, hearts in our hands
the symbol of a disarmed man.
if for love you still do wait,
entreat and walk beyond the gate
go down the road I took myself
for there you may meet someone else.
Author notes
my screenname is cmo, which happen to be my initials. and since you asked, im a senior in college in upstate NY. writing has nothing to do with my major, so i do it on the side. I like to write about love, so this one's about how love with equal effort from two people is what makes us perfect.
A contest entry
- The perfect guy [males only] by written-in-ink.
800 points, ended October 3, 2008, 13 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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at first, i was wondering where the 'perfect male' ordeal came in, but right when i got near the end, i adored it ! the rhyming and flow was absolutely amazing!
i agree 100% with you :]
good luck in the contest
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Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it--especially the end.
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This is a poem about an ideal. Bravo for making it the ideal to which you strive, and for making a poem with a good flow to it.
If I have one criticism, it is the use of devices like inversion of subject and verb ("eternal love it will become"), and the use of "do" as a filler, rather than an emphatic word. But once you develop more technical power, you will be able to work without them.
Keep writing.
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Thank you for your comments and input. I will keep your suggestions in mind when writing my future works. Is inverting the subject/verb as you said considered bad practice?
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It's a practice which has been over-used. These days it is taken as an indication that the poet is trying hard to nail a particular rhyme, and most people don't like to see it.
I guess the thing to work on, even in strictly rhyming and metrical poetry, is to aim for your language to flow like everyday speech. I don't know whether you'll find that easy or hard, but practice makes perfect.
One time you can use a device like an inversion, however, is if you are writing in a deliberately archaic style, trying for an old-fashioned feel to a poem; but even doing that has its pitfalls.
Good luck, and keep writing.
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i love this very much
it has such a nice feel
and flow
i love it so much
thank you for entering
and i agree with you
thank you and good luck -
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thank you
Thank you for your comments! I am glad you like this piece. It is a very personal work, so your sentiments are encouraging.
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I like this. I'm happy that the world will continue, with men who see love this way.
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Excellent
A very fine write. Imagery, rhythm and rhyme are fine.
Thanks for sharing this one with us. I'll look forward to reading more of yours in the future.
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