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The great deceiver (Triple Rictameter)

Twisted

vision misted

distorted by a smile

blank answers from those lying eyes

corruptive captor of the not so wise

full to the brim of evil lies

lips pursed, intentions vile

my mind on trial

twisted

   

Bitter

lonely quitter

haul souls across the rocks

break innocence with heartlessness

crush hopes and dreams, feed on pitiful screams

your power reign just never stops

grin when madness knocks, knocks

so sharp those rocks

bitter

   

Broken

never spoken

quiet torment roots deep

room for let in her vacant mind

pathetic shell left, carcass cast aside

exposure fresh, strength hard to find

soul forsaken, will blind

torture inside

broken

  

Author notes

For the poetic challenge round 2
Triple Rictameter

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • Lost Vampyre Angel
    September 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    omg this is just amazing! I might just like drop out now and save myself the embarrassment of losing to everybody. you rock
    all my love
    kitty xxx


  • luckynsincere
    September 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    OH MY! You nailed this form! I think you are on to something with your rhyme. For me to say that is the ultimate compliment, because I simply do not like rhyming poetry! You have a knack for rhyming with words that are not cliche, and they have that "soft rhyme". Swaying from the predictable: example; red bed said.. that sorta thing!

    This is one of my favorite forms because it is beautiful to look at as well. If done as well as you have, it makes for perfect reading!

    You took your rules and restrictions and instead of making them weights on your feet you used them all to your advantage. You took notice to your hints, and read them well! Impressive!

    Good luck in the judging!

    Mel


  • LadyDementia gold member
    September 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    WOW! You certainly grasped this! The talent that spills from your pen is an awesome one You have made this look a breeze, tho I know it isn't that easy from doing one myself. The darkness is great, not overdone or raw like some can be. Imagery really does rock! I like so many lines here 'haul souls across the rocks' & 'grin when madness knocks, knocks' being two of them. I found no errors with the form at all. And the visual aspect is pleasing I really see nothing else to say except I really look forward to seeing much more from you in future rounds

    Score: 99.3


  • Ktulu Blackwolfe silver member
    September 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You have displayed here, just how powerful your words can be. And to be quite honest, there is not much to critique here.

    This is deep and powerful. And yes, once again I have had to research this form, because I am unfamiliar with it....BRAVO! Flawless execution.

    You have impecable talent, no matter what the challenge or genre, and that is why you have been one of my favorite poets on here.

    My score
    100


    **Ktulu Blackwolfe**


    • Lexie -
      September 18, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      Oh wow..

      I dont know what to say,
      thank you


  • Arkbear gold member
    September 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Hello Lexie

     

    What a powerful entry from you

     

    I have counted a perfect 150 syllables from your Form.....the Ric is one of my fav.'s ~

     

    With that said, I look at your aesthetics as well.....and if you take a peek at my Page, and scroll down to *Three Wise Men*, you will see I am a nut for perfection when it comes to Forms ~

     

    I absolutely adore this write......depth and Impact leave me with great lasting impression ~

     

    Your ability to implement rhyme into such a restricted Form is genius.....bravo!

     

    Leaving out punc.'s is what I always recommend to all Poets who enter my Formed Contests......you have 6.....but....they are not as noticeable as some writes I have viewed in Form ~

     

    Two breaths is all you should need for a Ric....you have done an excellent job with your Flow in this area of critique

     

    *blank answers from those lieing eyes*.....*my mind on trial*..........nice!

    *just never stops*...hmmm....not a fan of that ~

    I am not a fan of repeating words.....but when you used *rocks* twice, it actually pulled me back into your thoughts and forced me to read it again.....very nice ~

    *room for let in her vacant mind*....that rocks!

    Over-all...a terrific effort on your part.....I believe this Form suits you well......your rhyme scheme is spot-on, and your Tone is not a creepy dark.....yet, a darkness which grabs me and does not let go......you have penned a beautiful entry......good luck and God bless you!

    Bear ~

     

    Your score shall be sent to your Host


    • Lexie -
      September 17, 2008
      Edit | Reply

      wow

      Thank you so much for the amazing comment!


  • Immortal Obscurity gold member
    September 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    What an interesting form you have chosen! I had to write in form as well, and as a free-verser, it was a total nightmare! But I see that you have managed to not epic-fail this assignment... Best of luck in the contest!


  • honorable mention
    September 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    ohhh very nice me likes

1 - 11 of 11