The state of this room is so depressing,
it grinds me down into the darkness
and ties weights around my wrists and ankles.
The change in the weather stifles my breathing,
I wish it’d just make up its mind,
then again it’s probably thinking the same of me.
I write by the light of my mobile
cause my mind can’t seem to shut itself down
so I can get some sleep and remember who I am.
And despite the volume of my music
I don’t succeed in blocking out those trickling thoughts
that are tickling at the back of my mind, making me nauseous.
My bones cramp and crack confined to this feeling,
I’ve seen too much in such short time
that I manage to convince myself somehow it’s all normal.
Now a strangeness is scratching at my back,
driving me mad, I want to strip off this hot and heavy fabric
and tear away the pale and freckled skin.
But my door lingers open, leaving gaping mouths
and warm, salty tongues that cling to lusting strangers,
they have a knack for spotting the damaged.
So tonight I’ll bite my lip so hard it bleeds
and watch the hours dance before me
…
It’s odd how silence can be so deafening.
Author notes
.... I need to get some sleep
Comments and critique much appreciated
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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i'm quite enjoying the fact that i haven't failed to find something that hasn't peaked my interest in what i've read of yours. as i feel maybe it would be something over-the-top to comment on them all, i'll just maybe now mention things i've noticed, and related to/ internalized.
this piece in particular rocks. having in general much difficulty in the sleep department, i could not only easily relate to the sense of deprivation from reality, but much appreciated how you delivered the feeling. it was rampant throughout.
i enjoyed the image of writing with light by way of your 'mobile'. it was an interesting arch of the poem.
in a lot of what i have read, i've come across many times the use of the tongue and also spit in your description, and commonly, (in my interpretation) they're used as a sort of surreal metaphor to a vast number of decrepit things. what i've been surprised by, and pleased with, is that i haven't gotten bored with their use. generally repetition becomes mundane, and i find myself worrying a lot that my themes and choice of vocabulary and language will/ are becoming repetitive and, well, lame... it is nice to see that a writer can continue to shine a new light on something they've used before. it helps me to believe that maybe i can too!
you have a succinct voice in your writes, one that i find very presentable, one which grants ease to its reader. that says a lot, i feel. i find it funny how easily a writer can miss that in their own work.
your honesty, and effectiveness are quite enthralling as a reader at times, and i've much appreciated reading. i hope the muse keeps on!
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Holy cow...so I must say that's probably one of (if not THE) greatest comments ever haha
I'm starting to think you get my poetry more than I do
No but really, I'm so glad that you can relate and understand what I'm trying to get across...a lot of what I write tends to be sort of incoherent almost, or just thoughts that are swirling around in my head, and a lot of people ask me what the hell I'm talking about and I can't ever really tell them because well, to me it just makes sense. Also, I'm very glad to know that the repetition in most of my poems isn't unbearable... I should probably work harder on using new descriptions and metaphors and such but I never really get around to it haha, too often I can't write and when I do it's just whatever falls out of my head and onto the paper, I don't really think about it much.
Anyway I'm sort of rambling here so I'll stop, but thank you so much for the wonderful comments you've given me. I've never really considered myself very good at the whole writing thing but you've definitely given me a boost of self confidence. Such kind words from a writer of your caliber is just awesome
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Excellent writing. There's a lot to feel in this...
Sleep tormented mind oh sleep and silence the deafening silence deafening so loudly screams.
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Very pleased you enjoyed it. Thank you for all the applause and kind words.
^_^
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I love the dark theme in this piece. I, too, have trouble falling asleep. Great work.
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Yes, insomnia can be a dreadful thing at times I fear.
Very pleased you enjoyed it ^_^ -
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Deafening it was, but speak again and your voice shall be heard.
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Thank you for the applause
Hope all's going well for you
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