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Water Baby

In water
I am most vulnerable

weightless
wingless

my false sense
of security
defies

what lies beneath
the lips
of waves

still

I fill my lungs
with the world I know

take it with me
into the
deep

intruding on
the maritime sailors
who sleep
buried

with secrets

and salt

and I am
innocent again

 

baptized

by the hands of Neptune,

lulled by a silence
that to me

 

is song.

 

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Author notes

Prompt: A Day On The Waters

(in my case, IN the waters)

In a list

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 40 of 40

  • sunshine.
    June 18
    Edit | Reply
    love your writing


  • Swan song gold member
    September 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    There are poems that I read and i like and then there are poems that i read and copy and read again and again. Guess what! I read a lot of your poetry


  • Blue Rew silver member
    September 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Yes, You take us there...
    that primal mute beneath the surface.

    I like that this verse is associated with
    white. White able to conjure severity, space.
    And beneath the constant motion, you find
    just that~a vacuum that fills with fluid rhythm.
    Blue


  • deercatcher
    September 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You know...
    I haven't taken the time to go swimming this year. Unless you count the hot tub on the deck. I wanted to go into the clear streams in Arkansas. I like to wear a mask and feed the little fish. Water bibies was a concept when my brood was young that advocated newborns be introduced to pools very early, because it was similar to the womb. Maybe you were a water baby...


  • Kagome27
    September 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Fantastic

    I really love the water. This makes a lot of sence to me and I definetly felt what you ment. Good Job


  • Balldinger silver member
    September 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    watered up and waiting...

    with a soothing sense of serenity and your Monet still hanging on the wall, churlish glimpses of summary come gasping for air just above the surface and certainly feel more at home deep beneath. let the holy spirit in again, and be reborn, water baby

  • Judith Chandler
    September 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    "a silence that to me is song" You have created a whole world in a few short lines.


  • sarajaneUK
    September 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Love the poem, the stillness and silence of it, feels like it should be read in a whisper. Great stuff! sj


  • ariazephyrzoe gold member
    September 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    ah...siren in her element

    and the feeling of water in her skin

    very beautiful Ms Lane


  • AutumnGypsy gold member
    September 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    So beautiful, such capturing of a moment and a feeling isnot easy. You do it so well, with grace and style. Best to you in the contest talented one


  • Cup-a-Joe
    September 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Where is that thumbs up icon?
    Joe

  • silverfish
    September 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this is a good time of year to be born again. fill those lungs, poet. fill those lungs. -waterbreathingphish


  • autarky
    September 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    breathlessly beautiful. i wish i knew how you did it.


  • PrabhuDayal Khattar silver member
    September 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    yes I agree this is the life..and truth as well...well and marked poetry...


  • Myjoy gold member
    September 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very very pretty, I too am a water baby.
    It bring a clam that I cannot even explain.
    Thank you for sharing.


  • tara wilson gold member
    September 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply


  • Sue Cardwell gold member
    September 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    As always Lane, a little more of you, another peep at who you are. I agree with Mairi, you are a mermaid

    Love
    Sue


  • arafura gold member
    September 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Fits in nicely with your avatar. lol! I love the waters too. In an other life I used to dive with snorkle and flippers... Wonderful work, poet!


  • notorious gold member
    September 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Shit,

    you make me want to crucify everybody who enjoys swimming, give you a unicorn and fly on Neptune.

    I love what your words do--they make me think.
    And also...
    wish I'd written them.

    I hate swimming!! This is mostly because I was forced to take swimming lessons and the first lesson, I distinctly remember trying to avoid the water at all cost. God, I was a pussy little kid... Still am, frankly.

    I love the juxtaposition with 'weightless' and 'wingless'--it just works so well.

    BTW, the line breaks in your poem=perfection, like this write.


    "what lies beneath" is so creepy and chilling...plus, it makes me think of the movie of the same name.

    "with the world I know" LOVE!!! Awesome phrase, and it's so insightful after "I fill my lungs". Definitely better than "I fill my lungs with oxygen", LoL.

    Love the way you have referenced Neptune--my second favorite planet after PLUTO (screw science, it's a real planet to ME!!!)

    Love this.
    You rock the thighs of Bic pens and keyboards all over the world.


    Jessica


  • Mairi bheag gold member
    September 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Sussed! You ARE a mermaid!

    "what lies beneath
    the lips
    of waves"
    ... beautiful image.


  • Sesheta
    September 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Silence as a song...the flow and taste of this poem is so natural, so captivating...like a lullaby, it pulls me in gently, and I can't help drowning--I have thoughts for naught else...


  • JohnnyD gold member
    September 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Lane

    Critiquing poems has never been my
    Interest or birthright, especially yours
    As they are all so beautiful that me
    Trying to critique them is like a Pig’s
    Ear trying to sing Opera?

    No, I look at the write and how it relates
    To the author-for that aspect is where
    My interests always are-

    “Why” did they write it-?
    What is it of them which brings
    Forth such beauty? What is the true-
    Hidden message in these words?
    For-there always is such-always
    Whether they know it or not.


    Indeed, such is your write:



    Indeed you are Neptune’s daughter,
    However when Neptune commanded
    “Gills” for you, Zeus thought he said “Skills”
    And thus you became an Aqua Poet supreme.
    When that oyster opened and you emerged
    From that black pearl, all shiny and wet-
    Little did the world know that you
    Were born of Michelangelo and Monet.


  • Pure Thought silver member
    September 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Danged evasive sea hares.


  • Pure Thought silver member
    September 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply


  • sailor ptolema
    September 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    oh my god. I have chills. This is just too exceptional.

    meg


  • nordicsky silver member
    September 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    These were my favourite lines,

    “I fill my lungs
    with the world I know

    take it with me
    into the
    deep”

    I pictured one deep breath and a plunge into another world.

    You are in your element writing like this.
    Love, Peter


    • Dalaney gold member
      September 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Peter...thank you. My father used to tease me, said he could see gills behind my ears, and to this day I wonder if maybe God couldn't make up his mind - hearing ears or invisible gills? Obviously, he chose the invisible gills..

      Love, Lane


  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    September 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I have to say.. you made me envy those who enjoy the water! I myself do not like it, I find it traumatic lol.. but this poem gave me a big *sigh* and wished to feel differently. That just shows what an amazing poet you are they you can alter my perception!




  • paulcreates silver member
    September 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "...my false sense
    of security
    defies

    what lies beneath
    the lips
    of waves..."

    Beautifully written Lane.


  • Amera gold member
    September 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow! Thank you for taking me into the surf with you. This is a poem I shall remember next time I let the sea wrap her arms around me. I love the ocean.

    Love,
    Amera♥


  • fanaa
    September 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    OMG I LOVE IT !!

    amazingly written.. and thrs nothing more i love more thn the ocean ..i compltly understand and feel it within me....its the one place i find peace...


  • poetryality silver member
    September 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I am enthralled with the water although I do not swim. I do however, immerse myself in floods more often than not. The water soothes my soul, I am washed rid of all that ails me. That could be because I am born under a water sign, Scorpio.

    Your poem is seamlessly written, and bathes me in its beauty. I wish you well in this contest beautiful woman.


    Much Love ♥

    Renee


  • PerVirtuous
    September 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply


  • Topaze
    September 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    A lovely piece very well written. thank you for your fine entry in this contest.


  • Oleander
    September 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I absolutely loooved this. It reminded me of so much.


  • cricketjeff gold member
    September 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    The ending, is perfect.

    That is not to reduce the rest of the poem, but the ending is perfect

  • Just a poet gold member
    September 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    In water, you are at your most beautiful. A mermaid in her element.
    The whole piece is redolent of you. It made me smile from the first word to the last.

  • A Prophet of 3 gold member
    September 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this is good, however (and this is just me) i would change and just finish it with this

    "and I am
    innocent again -
    baptized by hands
    lulled by silence
    that to me,
    is song."

    there is so much more impact to an ending as such ... i think the current ending just adds filler, and really doesn't slap you in the face enough, but again, that is just how i want to read it


    • Dalaney gold member
      September 15, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      yes, you're right...this is what i wanted...what you saw. L

1 - 40 of 40