and we signed our notes "forever"
and we said it would always last
we even talked about it ending,
and said we'd never forget our past.
and our story started as friends
and we said that that we'd always be
and that no matter the finish
i'd be there for you, if you'd just care for me.
and our world revolved around each other
and we said "you are all that i need"
and we took it day by day,
when we thought we knew where it would lead.
and there was talk of apartments,
and waking up in each others arms,
and we knew what aching felt like
but it wasn't cause for any alarm.
and we went through our rough patch
and it showed us how we cared
it taught us that 'whole' meant 'together',
and we knew we needn't be scared.
but bliss can't hold up to 'forever'
and the 'you' that was 'we' disappeared
and suddenly my once-other-half is a stranger
and the lies that we lived cause me fear.
and i knew better than this
but i let myself get swept away,
and now i'm living a life filled with anger
and dealing with the pain of another 'next day'.
and we signed our notes with forever
and we said it would always last
now we've dealt with the fairytale's ending,
and i'm just a ghost from your past.
Author notes
the lack of capitalization, along with the repetition of "and" and "but" to begin almost every line, is intentional- for whatever reason, i feel it fits the piece to write it that way, and capitalization looks a little goofy considering that none of the words that start each line would be grammatically correct to start a sentence with... (i know, i'm weird)
for the contest, i went with option 2: bad love
A contest entry
- LOTS OF OPTIONS! by Shenanigans.
700 points, ended November 23, 2008, 37 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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This is excellent. I love every line of it. Great write
~lae
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1st Stanza, 4th line, could 'we could' not be 'we'd'?
The flow seems interrupted with the extra syllable.
2nd stanza, 2nd line, take the comma out! It makes the sentence not make sense.
The final line doesn't seem quite as strong as I think you intended... Maybe ' and I'm now just part of your past'?
Would that work?
Just a suggestion.. (Sorry if it sounds like I;m being harsh- your shameless asked for help!!)
Other then that, I loved this. It's really sad, sad to think that things can go from so happy to so different.
I loved the way you started each sentence with a connective, and...but...and...I loved the small case i, like you weren't important enough to be a capital (do not know if this was intentional...)
I loved the repetition of the first two lines on the first and last stanzas.
And there are some other amazing lines in this too, like
and the 'you' that was 'we' disappeared
and we knew we needn't be scared.
and i knew better than this
and it showed us how we cared
(Ooooh look! That's a poem in itself!)
Just all in all, this is a great piece...
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Soooooooooooooooo sad and beautiful, perfectly describes a break-up when you're very emotionally involved/in love. It's wonderful, I relate very well to it, awesome job.
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and there was talk of apartments,
and waking up in each others arms,
and we knew what aching felt like
but it wasn't cause for any alarm
SO cute and sad.
the rhyming was actually pretty good.
nice job
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OMG...
This was beautiful, just beautiful. Soooo sad, but so easy to empathize too. I think just about everyone has gone through this at some point, or is afraid they will. I'm totally in love with the first/last stanzas. Any awkwardness wasn't too distracting. Honestly? I wouldn't change anything
~HH
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How painful.
As others have noted, some simple cleaning up would go a long way in making this really shine. (Essentially just capitalization)
Particularly, this stanza -
and our story started as friends,
and we said that that, we would always be,
and that no matter the finish
i would be there for you and you would always care for me
Seems a tad wordy for the otherwise beautiful flow of the poem. Perhaps the second line could read,
"And we said that we would always be,"
Making the last line of the stanza,
"I'll be there for you, if you'll care for me"
Just for relative succinctness' sake.
But it's your poem, and I do honestly think it's wonderful. You have all the right words to make it feel quite powerful.
Excellent.
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First off, I realized there was a large absence of work from you this past year. Let me say first welcome back!
Secondly, I must tell you that this poem's pretty good. I kind of feel like there's more to be said, but i still think it's very real and heartfelt poem. Good job
sincerely,
modernxtimes
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I appreciate your honest plea on shameless, made me chuckle, mainly because I feel the same way basically every time I write something
. I think you could do with capitalizing some of these first letters to begin with, just to make it look solid...and looking at it limitting the use of the word "and" would really make a difference. I agree with you about liking the theme. Once its a little more formed it should be a good read.
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