you come into my life once more
and again my heart opens the door
no expectation is given
i just wanna start livin
seeking answers of what went wrong before
questions begin to unravel
each word is like walking on gravel
trying to decipher each movement
with good judgement from self improvement
as learned throughout the course of my travel
i listen to words you've spoken
hurting over a past that's broken
remembering all the lies
as you ask for compromise
and a door of forgiveness swings open
My heart begins to remember the love
and the world we could rise above
the city was our playground
as everything was newfound
Hence began the story of our life,thereof.
i forgot all the things that i felt
after playing the cards that you dealt
a claim of once loving
this girl you were shoving
from the pits of disaster we dwelt
thank you for your wonderful words
your appology was greatly preferred
then i replay your lies
listening to alternated replies
as the truth, it finally occurred
You survive in your laziness
and excuse all your ignorance
i have not the time
for any rehearsed line
there's just nothing left here to impress
so, in closing of words unspoken
remembering all things you've broken
just know i did love you
this boy that i once knew
a past memory that now remains frozen
OPINIONS APPRECIATED
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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You are amazing. This is so hard to do. It is so easy to remember the love and then so difficult to retrieve the lies and pains when you need to have them most. Very personal and touching.
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I really like the idea and theme here. You have some really good thoughts and an interesting rhyme pattern. I think that if you keep it generally how it is, but try and re-word it by cutting out some unnecessary words that couldhelp it flow better. I really like it though. Great job!
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the flow is not quite right...as if in some lines you crammed too many syllables in there....or hmm...I am not sure...
For instance, this stanza was just...a bit jerky, not quite as smooth as some:
"My heart begins to remember the love
and the world we could rise above
the city was our playground
as everything was newfound
Hence began the story of our life,thereof."
My personal favorite was"
"i forgot all the things that i felt
after playing the cards that you dealt
a claim of once loving
this girl you were shoving
from the pits of disaster we dwelt"
It was smooth, and almost...fast, and perfect for that thought.
Not quite sure what else, but despite my criticism...I really did like this piece...the thought, the emotion, the realization of truth, and the style. Well done.
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yeah, i did do a bit cramming, i admit. as a rough draft, but wasnt sure if the reader could notice. it is always good to have other opinions, and glad in this case.thank u for your honesty. truly appreciated
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I think there is a bit of assymetry and loss of rhyming in places but that is as critical as I can get. Poetry is meant to be an expression of emotions and thoughts and you have done this brilliantly. I read this wanting to know the end and so its full marks from me.
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thanks you very much. i will work on the rhyming a bit more.
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I agree with Wildlifelady it's a good poem but it needs some work.Anyway it's good in general.Keep it up !
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thank you for reading and commenting. greatly appreciated
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good write!
I think this is great. It seems to need a LITTLE bit of polishing, but you have done a good job at keeping it organized. I see a mis-spell...."your appology was greatly preferred"....should say apology. My favorite part is this:
"then i replay your lies
listening to alternated replies"
GREAT JOB
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thank you for reading and commenting. greatly appreciated
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