begin the cliche

The one that I want I can’t have
how old and cliché and useless is that
once more played and used
a toy, an object
he tries so hard to convince me
that I am special and worthwhile and something good
but actions speak much louder than words, baby
and yours are screaming that I’m right

and nothing seems to matter this now
I am reminded of how it feels to not feel
"worth it" and "special" and "deserving" are phrases
that have been stripped from my self-description
and I am left with a void that stretches infinitely
and I will fall where you push me, darling
just don't expect me not to trip you up in the process
"hell hath no fury"
for all that we two have lived, we have not seen danger such as this
sloppiness is unbecoming
you should be more careful about who you destroy
to make sure they can’t return the favor
and the worst thing you could have done
was completed the moment you said “I have never lied to you”
I truly hope you don’t hold me as close to what you say is true
as you did me in your arms last night

and that is what loses me
I can see a tenderness when no one is around
A genuine care when I am not reminded of her
when you wash me off and hold me tight
and answer my unspoken questions so exactly
it is too hard for “safety” for me to believe
that I’m just another fuck on the side
I’ve always been a risk taker, babe
and you are too risky for me to resist

and you wonder why I insist I am not good
and you wonder why I insist I am not worthwhile
and you wonder why I insist I am selfish

but if I could walk away, I would do it in a second
I’ve had enough of physical pain these days, though
and just the thought of leaving you for good
sends a knife to twisting in my ribcage right below my heart
so I will stay and spiral into this abyss left
where my happiness perched for such a sweetly short time
“ignorance is bliss”
lie, because eventually I will know
and hurt all the more for the time I took to find it out

I don’t play games, my dear
unless I have no other choice
and then I am very, very good
so as I cannot go
and I cannot not know
let the games begin