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slipped

Tears fall freely
I run past you: A look of bafflement and guilt crosses your face
You chase me: screaming my name
I turn and look but once.
Your face no longer sweet as I known. Agony a crushing sight
I force myself to keep running.
I stop for a minute
a cruel game of cat and mouse
as soon as you get close I'm off yet again
Soon my legs fail to listen to my brain,thus listen to my shattered heart.
I can hear you breathing, pantin glike the dog I have known you to be.
you crack a smile now seeing I have stopped.
I turn my back to you, your breathing irregular, your sobs tear me to peices
like scissors to , already broken heart.
Your warm breath on my neck
you head one my now bare  and shredded shoulder.
I feel  the coolness where your tears have been
still ceasing to stop
I let a small cry escape my  tight lips
once again the tears flood mY vision.
your hair tickles my neck
rembering how I used to caress that same hair.
You whisper to me
I refuse to look, though your voice still  triggers something in me
your voice crakes midsentence.
head still on my shoulder.
your body wracks with violent cries . At my outright coldness
Out of my nature.
Your sobs; echo through my soul
your tears meet your red lips.
how I want to kiss them.
I start to turn
to look in your deep blue eyes
I sigh
tears that had once dried become whole.
Your eyes are dull with tears and  dispondency
I hear  what you say
What do you want me to say



Author notes

Notsotorturedartist

A contest entry

constructive critizism welcome

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments


  • Unbreakable3
    July 21

    Edit | Reply
    This is good, I love when you describe no tthe chasers beauty but their agony and hatred, very original! Thank you for entering this


  • Nam
    April 10

    Edit | Reply
    "Soon my legs fail to listen to my brain,thus listen to my shattered" -- should be a space between the comma and "thus".

    "I can hear you breathing, pantin glike the dog I have known you to" -- "pantin glike" should be "panting like".

    "I turn my back to you, your breathing irregular, your sobs tear me to peices" -- the first use of "your" would be "you're" as in "you are breathing irregular". Also, "peices" at the end would be "pieces".

    "like scissors to , already broken heart." -- the comma should be aligned with the "to" as in "like scissors to, already...".

    This line doesn't make sense:

    "you head one my now bare and shredded shoulder." -- I think you mean: "your head on my now bare and shredded shoulder".

    "I feel the coolness where your tears have been" -- you have an extra space between "feel" and "the".

    "I let a small cry escape my tight lips" -- you have an extra space between "my" and "tight".

    "once again the tears flood mY vision." -- "mY" would be "my".

    "I refuse to look, though your voice still triggers something in me" -- you have an extra space between "still" and "triggers".

    "your body wracks with violent cries . At my outright coldness" -- you have an extra space between the period and "cries".

    "Your sobs; echo through my soul" -- the semi-colon is not needed in this line.

    "Your eyes are dull with tears and dispondency" -- you have an extra space between "and" and "dispondency", also "dispondency" is not a word, I think you mean "despondency".

    If you correct those errors, I think this would be a better poem, smoother read, etc.,

    -Nam

    I hear what you say"

  • raymondsgirl8708
    October 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This poem leaves me wondering who did what. interesting write and thank you for entering.


  • Venus25
    September 15, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Awesome!

    Very gripping.... Loved the imagery and flow!

    Best of luck my dear