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Somewhere in years

Missing image

The slumber of winter hangs loosely now

 

it weaves

in and out of me

with deep implications

 

I sit

 

       solitary

 

in reaped rows of life

with soft dirt between my toes

 

the sky was the limit

 

weathered winters -

upset winds

speak from tongues with guilt

that slice me into sections

and pound hereditary bones into powder

while my mind un-curls in rocked rhythm

at the intersection of what to do next

 

I go into hibernation

think of better days

as I undress my mind

with slow intention

one step each day

but all I hear are my thoughts that gather

 

and the ocean really doesn’t care

if I am sad

its rage is forever constant

cold and odorless

with a raw tilt

that wakes me with a small nudge

 

the world is burning to the ground

but it rains in my head

and spits ash

in the whitest of noise

as I catch my words

in hopes of releasing them again

 

but it is dark

                 so very dark

 

and I seem to have lost my way

in everyday poetry

jumbled

and swimming in the tears of an angel

 

and winter beats down upon me

settles at the bend of spine

somewhere in years

 

 

 

 

9/14/08

 

Author notes

(photo by Michael Giedrojc)
Prompt: Life poetry 101

In a list

A contest entry

Please Critique...it helps me grow tall...Hahaha

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 20 of 20

  • Rowan gold member
    September 19
    Edit | Reply
    Yeah!!! Doin' a happy dance girlfriend, congratulations!!!

  • notorious
    September 19
    Edit | Reply
    Congrats!! ~~

  • Dalaney gold member
    September 16
    Edit | Reply
    Outstanding. My God, this is good. Love, Lane
  • Yvette Champ
    September 16

    Edit | Reply
    You paint dark thoughts deftly, revealing them via nature echoing the introspection of listlessnesss. The past tense within " The sky was the limit" suggestive of searching for new aspirations as old one's are now capped and perhaps a release from wintering within the mind snowed in the white out of a blizzard obscuring thoughts direction.


    • zochit2me gold member
      September 16
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you for this wonderfully thought out comment.
      Makes me feel like someone is actually reading

      Oh and remember we talked about hereditary bones...Well I worked that in here too

      ♥Becky♥

  • tara wilson gold member
    September 15

    Edit | Reply
    "and swimming in the tears of an angel"

    I love that line so much...this is excellent, esp, the opening line, too, and it sets the tone of the poem up perfectly.


    • zochit2me gold member
      September 15
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you Miss Tara.
      These days I feel like I am swimming in the tears of an angel
      A bit of the blues has set in upon me.
      Must be the weather change.



      ♥Becky♥

  • Rowan gold member
    September 15
    Edit | Reply
    So very moving hon...
    excellent take on the prompt.


  • RedAquarius gold member
    September 15
    Edit | Reply
    I feel this. 'Nuff said.


  • Pure Thought silver member
    September 14
    Edit | Reply
    Loved it all top to bottom. Wonderful metaphorical images.


  • notorious
    September 14

    Edit | Reply

    Holy crap,

    this is SO good.
    I was thinking of entering the contest, but I kind of drew a blank after I read piggyback's entry and now yours.

    "with deep implications" My God, I love the implications of your awesomeness every time you use the word 'implications', LoL.

    "the sky once was the limit"
    My one pet peeve with this line is that you use the word 'once' & 'was'. Doesn't that make it a little redundant? I think you should lose the 'once', because "the sky was the limit" already infers that it used to be in the past.

    Love your personification with "upset winds"--you do personification oh-so-well.

    "reaped rows of life" &
    "while my mind un-curls in rows of rhythm"
    I'm not sure if you intended to use 'rows of' 2x in the poem, but I think personally you should change one of them for less unnecessary repetition.

    I do love 'uncurls' (which BTW, does not need a hyphen, unless there is an artistic reason for it) in relation to the mind...like damn, how genius and unique.

    Again, cool ass personification with the ocean...it's so blunt and raw and good.

    "raw tilt/that wakes me with a small nudge"
    You continue personification throughout that ocean stanza and it's so cohesive and flow-y and AWESOME!!!!!!! LOVE!

    "whitest of noise"<--me gusta the wordplay on the phrase, "white noise"

    The repetition of "dark/so very dark" actually reminds me of the contest judge.



    "settles in the curl of spine"
    You already use 'uncurls' in relation to the mind, so I think this could just be "settles in the spine".

    Good luck

    Jessica


  • Suzanne Dia gold member
    September 14

    Edit | Reply
    this is stark
    almost so stark it hurts
    but that makes it even more beautiful.




    • zochit2me gold member
      September 14
      Edit | Reply
      Thankies
      And yes stark is my middle name these days



      ♥Becky♥
1 - 20 of 20