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A little song for me


       I was that Dresden Doll
       who slipped a coin
       in her exchange
       to play
       the sliver of a music box
       before my dusted years


       lid lifted
       her pirouette of smiles
       as beauty poised on point
       to fold
       into a clockwork twist;
       I could not gauge the hour


       and 'lo
       the silent seconds passed
       while midnight sang temptation;
       so loomed her lips
       and fervent gaze
       in the quiet space



       before me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

Prompt: http://manips-of-artist2.deviantart.com/art/THE-MACHINE-OF-DREAMS-97370735

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YAnyYTjjhJ0 If you have no idea what "Dresden Doll" meant, now you do.

A contest entry

Critical Review Desired

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Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • LadyDementia gold member
    September 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like how you've ended this one, such wonderful imagery throughout. Beautifully penned, thanks for entering and good luck


  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    September 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Love it! I could read a lot of things into this! I can't really put them into words! I wonder if she desired to dance on point or felt forced... while she was desired, was she untouchable...

    I could go on... surfice to say I was mesmerized by this... read it over and over, and think it's brilliant!


  • ml12
    September 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Hood-Wink

    Bravo! I love where you left off, there are so many directions it could go. As for the poem, it read really well and I was captivated throughout. I am also intrigued by 'before my dusted years' because i think it is an interesting statement


  • PerfectImperfection
    September 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    ooooh! This is beautimous my dear! An Excellent take on the image prompt indeed! Great use of imagery and detail to thought throughout.

    I wanted to point out some favorite lines, but there is no way lol - this was incredible. You never cease to amaze me!

    Great write!


  • Never Fall in Love
    September 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "midnight sang temptation;"
    That sounds like something I would write
    And yes, this is different from what you'd normally write.. However, it was still very beautiful.

    I only have one critique if it can be counted ... your ending is not really as strong as I expected to be. But that's all.

    ♥


  • Melodies
    September 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A poem that sparkles and dances! Lovely writing.


  • notorious
    September 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Dresden makes me think of Germany...
    I only know that city/place thingy because Robert Schumann was born there at some point, and I had to take music history for piano...anyways.

    "I could not gauge the hour"
    LOVE that!!! Yeah, it works with the time aspect, and the way you used 'gauge' is surefire-ly nifty.


    Good luck, I noticed Jackie re-opened it just for you...


    • Age of Rain
      September 14, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      Yeah, it was weird, I loved that pic, asked to get it reopened, and then my muse sort of said frak you. Still, this is unlike most things I've written.

      • notorious
        September 15, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        LoL Jacks is cool that way--when she used to have quickies 24/7, I would forever ask for another spot.

        I think the judges will fancy it

1 - 9 of 9