I do not believe
that the heartbeats I can barely hear
when I make an excuse to touch
your wrist
can possibly hold you,
and what if one day someone else
is able to hear them
better than me?
A contest entry
- Joys and Fears - Pay It Forward by Kari.
300 points, ended September 16, 2008, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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This hits close to home. My girlfriend is pretty much constantly paranoid that I will find someone else, someone better. It drives me insane!!!
Nicely expressed, I think you've summed it up very well. I like the brevity of it but I also think you've got a lot of scope to expand on what you've said if you wanted to.
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Hello,
This is a very real fear for a lot of people I believe.
Losing a loved one/or friend can be painful in so many ways.
I do have a couple of suggestions with your poem. You can ignore or not ignore them. They are just some small minor suggestions.
The first three lines don't seem to flow. Maybe change how it's layed out and the wording around to something else.
The other thing is that you use the word I in the first three sentences. Maybe try replacing that with something else.
The 6th line you start off with and when that doesn't really need to be there or either there doesn't need to be a line break.
The ending of the poem hit home with me because I've had that fear before and it's come true with some of my family members. One thing though it does make you stronger.
Thanks for your entry.
Kari
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i fear things like this about my wife , we are separated right now ... i think this piece is small but powerful and i think the sadness is comforting somehow too... great write and good luck in the contest!!!
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Interesting - Fear of losing a loved one.
Nicely done. - Mike
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