Interlaced and irritated;
fingers clutched her
only passion by the neck.
Where do we go from here?
In the usual bars?
On the same spent streets?
Singing sweet, sweet songs
is too old fashioned.
Let’s take a risk.
Let’s become lovers.
Author notes
image credit <== click.
In a list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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subtle style....distinct....original
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Such beautiful simplicity here,
yet so much depth behind your
words. Many meanings can
come from this. Brilliantly penned hun,
you amaze me every time!
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I like your style. i hope you won't mind if I favorite you.
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Beautiful
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lol, I like that. It's pretty cool. Music is an amazing thing, it can definitely be a blessing through the good and bad times... but I think the relationship would be one sided :-P. lol, j/k, that was a good write, no doubt.
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I like it =)
the picture provoked thoughts in my mind
I would love to see you continue on writing so that i can determine what you are talking about
i love the sense of mystery
=) -
Sensual!
This really captures the feeling of lust, desire, and passion found in the longing for something more with someone. I like the changes you made based on the comment below, it really brought the whole piece together and gave it a smooth flow.
Use of "spent" as an adjective was an excellent choice.
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I liked the poem . . .
it can be interpreted in several ways and speaks more than just its words. I like poems that use the righth amount of words to accomplish their task. It is one of the "skills" needed to write good poetry. You did this well. A couple technical things (Take them or leave them. Just personal preferences):
I would try to eliminate one of the "her"s in the second line. I would try for the second one but either would do. It would take away the redundancy but also read better.
"In the usual bars,
and on the same streets?"
The "and" in these lines do connect the two but in a bit of a stretch. With a poem of few words, each one is critical. I suggest eliminating the "and", use something like:
"The usual bars?"
"The same (some descriptive word) streets?"
The last two lines
"Let’s take a risk.
Let’s become lovers."
dramatically put all of it together, and, gives the poem the multi-dimension I said earlier. Good write and a good read. Thank you for sharing it with us.
~ Timothy
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Thanks
Thanks for an indepth critique, it's getting more rare on here. I very much liked your ideas, it's helpful to have an outside eye. Thanks again.
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Aww!! this is so beautiful!!I loved it!!I loved thelast stanzaaa ican relate to it. thats why
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ooh...
the simple beauty of this came close to giving me goosebumps.
thank you -
laurel
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Great write! I loved the picture and how you explained it so poetically.
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standing up and applauding!
I love your style, Poetess...
I truly do. Love, Lane
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