there was that sleepy visage
those tell-tale eyes
I said hello
like so many spouts of laughter:
in mock surprise
you turned -
the left side of you
curled
an upturned world,
and there were dizzy skies
cumulus fountains fallen;
I felt the rise
of rain,
beneath umbrella eyes -
you caught them;
droplets pierced your lips
and parted
the breath of some
reprise
between us
[in smoky vision]
there were no lies,
[in mists of reason]
there were no lies
just precipitation
smiling
above the sheets
that sheltered
you
and I...
Author notes
Prompt: The story of Cupid and Psyche.
Alright. You told us no retelling, so I decided that I would explain the story, briefly, here: Psyche was the most beautiful woman in the world, she was said to be more beautiful than Aphrodite. Well, the goddess of love got bitchy and sent her son to punish her. Eros decided to make her marry an unknown man that she could never see. She ends up loving him, then, convinced by her sisters, she looks at him at night and spills candle wax on him. It was Eros. Shit hits the fan, but eventually they end up together again. How does this poem apply? Greek Myths always tell the story befores but never the afters. I decided, okay, they love each other and went off into the sunset, now what? This poem is then meant to be a love story based on Eros and Psyche, the very story that tells us that heart and soul are one.
For Most Improved.
A contest entry
- Invite Only #1 by sideways hourglass.
550 points, ended September 29, 2008, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical Review Desired
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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"between us
[in smoky vision]
there were no lies,
[in mists of reason]
there were no lies"
this was the only part I didn't care for.
i often find paranthesis distracting - but i guess that is just a personal thing right there.
Other than that...the opening was great. stanza three was awesome -- even without the italicization - the word "curled" still had an efficent effect.
The ending wasn't as cliche as you thought it was [based on your response to comments] - I thought it gave this a simplistic feel. There is enough good stuff in here to keep this at a more profound status rather than cliche.
I think this is one of your best so far.
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Very nice Marty- your rhyming word choices worked pretty well... by the end it felt a bit sing-songy, but that's a personal preference. There are so many parts of this to love, so many great lines. I have no advice for editing, although I would like to disagree with everyone else and say that just because you use "you and I" does not automatically mean it's cliche!!
Personally I loved the ending!
-cassidy
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"between us
[in smoky vision]
there were no lies,
[in mists of reason]
there were no lies"
I know everyone else has basically said this, but that stanza rocked out loud, so loud the deaf could hear it.
Fantastic!
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Last two lines rocked meh toe socks. Maybe a little cliche, but I still liked them.
'between us
[in smoky vision]
there were no lies,
[in mists of reason]
there were no lies'
Those lines seemed a little rhymey to me; there were two bits in []s. I liked that... It helps with the flow and stuffs.
wait.
omg, I'm a blonde.
xD I just realized that every line of each stanza in your whole poem rhymes. Except for the second to last one. But that's okay because the last two lines go with it and yaddah yaddah yaddah.
I'm done rambling now.
Great job, Marty.
~Cassie
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Aww I love this myth. And I love this poem
It was a lovely read, very beautiful and the imagery was fantastic. The rain metaphor was really cool, I liked how you included a lot of aspects of rain.
"cumulus fountains" Loved this a lot.
"between us
[in smoky vision]
there were no lies,
[in mists of reason]
there were no lies" This was a really awesome stanza. The brackets added a lot to it, I thought everything about this was beautiful.
Ending was cliche, as you already said, but it didn't take anything away from the piece. Sure, it didn't add anything, but it did work nicely. Not awesomely, but still good.
Very well done. Me likey
Love Always,
Caroline
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Eros and Psyche = bad flash-backs to the past three weeks of school and immature kids in psychology class
I like this! I love the graphology most of all, it's so well laid out that everything that's meant to pack a punch does so in a BIG way, and with such a variety of techniques it's never repetitious. You used precisely the right amount of punctuation (as oppose to me who is so anal-retentive that I have to use punctuation exactly as I've been taught) and the vocabulary is also perfect for its audience. I love the references, I think you used the story as an allusion very well! I'm not a judge, so it may not matter what my opinion is, but just thought I'd add that in
Overall, I am very impressed! I always feel like such a weak writer when going through everyone else's stuff
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Your AN features comma splicing, but I am not here to pick apart your AN. This was for an invite contest...? Great, when are you going to enter the one you're invited to that I created?
Can I just say, I DIGGETH how you use less punctuation than usual...it feels much more free now.
"like so many spouts of laughter:
in mock surprise"
I love this simile...the way you used 'mock' is nice, and 'spouts' ties in with the rain nicely, imagery-wise.
"dizzy skies"<--kick-ass personification to be found here
Those bracketed lines...well, I didn't find the meriting brackets, but then...I rarely ever use brackets (maybe twice in poems, LoL) because I don't think they really have a place in poetry, but that's just my opinion. *hears a stampede of people who use brackets 24/7*
Is this the first poem that ended in "you & I?" I'm getting deja vu with other poems of yours (or perhaps...my head is cluttered and I can't remember much). Whether you've used a similar/the same ending before well...I think it works.
Good luck
Jessica
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*laughs, runs from the stampede*
you and I is probably the most cliche thing anyone could end with. But its all the stuff before it that I think makes it work. Thanks! -
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You will entereth my invite contest?
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'course! if I had thought, i would totally have submitted this poem i recently wrote that almost fits your prompt.
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True, that, although my prompt also had restrictions...LoL.
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yes, but it is a 3 part poem, that could fit hollow, and has very little punctuation. Though... you may not have enjoyed the word placement
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I asked for no punctuation at all, LoL. (If I remember correctly, you asterisk-gasped...LMAO).
Did I bitch about your word placement in my above comment? No, I didn't...where did that come from?? LoL
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As in, it is slightly dirty pretty. And that is why I said it almost fit. I prolly could remove the punctuation.
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Well, I want something that is a perfect fit and written for my contest specifically, not just something that could have fit.
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