a man
left for dead
unknowing
a woman
left alive
unknown
instincts
can find their way
through the labrynth
of a mind
they always do
and the animal inside
envelops each of us
and all we're left with
is our animosity.
A contest entry
- Animal by Thoughts-of-Soloman.
1800 points, ended September 23, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
-
I go along with tnk regarding a little work on the ways of identity, in the addressing personally or universally.
What I must add though is WOW!!!!...
what a hard edged deep cutting write from a 15 year old, I am most impressed!
For this contest I would have liked to have seen you take something further into the realms of the natural Animal World.
Howevr I am pleased to be introduced to your writing and believe you represent a 'space' well worth keeping an eye on.
Thank you for bringing this to us and all the best, I look forward to reading more of yours.
Sol
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Good job and Good luck
“a man,
left for dead,
unknowing
a woman,
left alive,
unknown”
I like this opening. It leaves me, as a reader, wondering where you are going to go with it. There are so many options and images in the reader’s mind, waiting for more.
Lines six through ten seems to have too many “their”s. It would take work to re-word these lines a bit but I think it would well worth it.
“envelopes them” – I would change that to “each” because you talk about the global “us” in the previous line and the personal “them” in the next. “Each” opens the meaning and the context.
I like the poem. The start. The path it winds to the end. And, the end. Good luck in the contest.
Good job. ~ Timothy
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