I:
Velvet voices sing to my heart,
healing time that tore it apart;
reminding me of simple things,
lifting me up on heaven’s wings.
Cascading whispers gently sigh,
soft as an angel’s lullaby;
gentle tongues’ sonata soon sings,
lifting me up on heaven’s wings.
Your arms, a fortress; warm and strong;
within your voice, I find my song.
Longing for the love your soul brings,
lifting me up on heaven’s wings.
Velvet voices sing to my heart,
Lifting me up on heaven’s wings.
II:
I’ll sing your song throughout the years,
to bring you hope and banish tears,
with talk of summer, pretty things;
lifting you up on heaven’s wings.
When you’ve forgotten all you are,
know that my love is never far;
I’ll turn your winters into springs,
lifting you up on heaven’s wings.
Across the earth, our chorus flies,
serenading the autumn skies
like violins with golden strings,
lifting you up on heaven’s wings.
I’ll sing your song throughout the years,
lifting you up on heaven’s wings.
Author notes
This is for the Poetic Challenge.
My form is a double Kyrielle Sonnet:
-Each contains 14 lines (for a total of 28), 8 syllables each (three rhyming quatrain stanzas and a non-rhyming couplet).
-Rhyme scheme is AabB, ccbB, ddbB, AB -or- AbaB, cbcB, dbdB, AB.
-Has a repeating line or phrase as a refrain (usually appearing as the last line of each stanza).
-Common practice is to use the first and last line of the first quatrain as the ending couplet.
[courtesy of Shadowpoetry]
That syllable-count nearly killed me! Rhyming is not as simple as 'door-hinge' and 'orange' either... It's so hard to get the same amount of feeling across when one is so restricted by rhyme and meter!
Quote is:
"To love a person is to learn the song that is in their heart, and to sing it to them when they have forgotten." - Anonymous
Title is the Italian word for "serenade", which ties into the whole music theme 
In a list
- x. form-poetry: who, me? • next in list
- x. travis. • next in list
- x. poetic challenge vii. • next in list
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
-
A very decent double Kyrielle sonnet
I can't say I agree with you about the restrictions but you already knew I would say that!
Great stuff and keep trying them, I write FV because it improves my form, I am certain the reverse is true for Free Versers
-
-
You're so right! I think I might keep playing around with the forms, though free-verse is my true love
I'm excited now 
Thanks again
-
-
one thing I did forget when commenting:
this line would have made me buy the book containg this poem:
gentle tongues’ sonata soon sings,
that one line speaks volumes. I honestly think that mushy love forms may be a new and STRONG talent that is bubbling for release! -
You go right on ahead... this was impressive to say the least. I felt you would try to go too easy on this one and you really caught me off guard!
As for your rules... selecting the form... BRAVO!!! you chose on that will challenge you on all levels of form! WELL DONE! I love when a poet takes the challenge and runs with it!
I can tell you struggled with the rhyme a bit, basically because the rhyming words are a little simple and basic, which sometimes could be forceful... but in all honesty it really worked here. Another thumbs up for you! Rhyme and meter is much harder than most poets think... though I have my love for freeverse... as I tend to lean in favor of freeverse, but a good solid form is hard to find these days. People rely on freeverse to be simple. I hate simple freeverse.
I also commend you on meeting your line restriction. It took guts to do a double. (claps for you)
Your quote: nice one! I loved the sweetness of it... it is against how I picture you
The darkness has broken just enough to fill the reader with the light inside you 
I also like that you captured the sadness of a love so pure as the one described by your chosen quote. It is vulnerable and open. LOVE IT! I am a sappy romantic at heart
I am very pleased with your entry this week... still it did have filler words that could have easily been prevented, but overall: BRAVO!!!
Good luck in the judging.
Mel
-
Wow, what a treat Rhyme form and love! You have done a superb job with this piece. Rhyming isn't always easy and to get it sounding natural and not forced can take some time, and lots of re-writes The rhyme here is really good, flows with ease and isn't forced anywhere IMO I can see the more you wrote the more confident you became, it does show, the second part is certainly my fave. I do think the refraining line could have been more powerful, something with a lasting impression. But to be honest I did get lost in your words and not notice it so much towards the end The count is spot on, line wise. You really have risen to the challenge very well, showing you have a wide spread poetic talent that I look forward to reading more of in future rounds
Score: 97.2 -
First let me start off by saying that it is a rare gift for us to read something of this nature from you...BRAVO!
As I am not used to this form, other than the Shakespearean sonnet, I had to do my homework before leaving a comment. As far as your form goes, I myself had to count the syllables as well and from that each was 8 to a "T".
I do think that the punctuation is a bit off and if you re-read it from an outsiders view, something like this;
Cascading whispers gently sigh,
soft as an angel’s lullaby;
gentle tongues’ sonata soon sings,
lifting me up on heaven’s wings.
Should look like this;
Cascading whispers gently sigh,
soft as an angel’s lullaby.
Gentle tongues’ sonata soon sings,
lifting me up on heaven’s wings.
Beyond that, this is great.
My score
98
**Ktulu Blackwolfe**
-
Hello
Wow.....what a job!
One of my favorite Forms is the Kyrielle Sonnet ~
I only found 102 syllables in your first KS.....should be 112 ~
I find 105 in your next KS.....should be 112 ~
Ref: http://www.wordcalc.com/index.php
Repeating *things* is not a good thing*
....and when you use ( 8 ) whole lines as repeats, it is crucial for you to dig really deep for that extra *umph* in your other lines, needed to make me believe those repeating lines are actually fresh ~
I adore your Quote.....could you research it and place name in your AN's?
I simply love your ability to bring me into your thoughts with this Genre.....however, it is vital for you to use your Poetic Voice, yet, at the same time, not fill your work with with unnecessary *Filler Words*
*the.....and.....is.....of.....that.....to*
The biggest Challenge of *Love* Genre, is to have a free-flowing Tone, yet cut back on Fillers which have no impact on your write......and with Love, you my make my heart melt
Yes, a Poet can write about Love and it can be so-so.....but in this Challenge, I shall be looking for the extra mile gone to make me *siiiiigh*
Over-all....a terrific amount of energy time and talent went into this entry.....bravo to you and your talents......I look forward to what you shall do for Round 3 ~
.....and BTW....I like your 2nd KS more
.....the first one is filled with much more common thoughts....as I believe, the further you went along into your next KS, the deeper you had to pull ~Also.....good luck with your other contest entry..>>> http://allpoetry.com/contest/2420753
Good luck in both contests, and God bless you!
Bear ~
Your score shall be sent to your Host
*Across the earth, our chorus flies*
*siiiigh*
-
-
I'm much more fond of the second half as well, since I had become a bit more comfortable with the form at that point. I also counted my syllables about 30 times, so I don't know how that got messed-up... If you wouldn't mind pointing out a specific line for reference, it would really help!
Love is definitely not my strong point... Neither is form, but love is a particularly-iffy subject, especially since I've been feeling really down lately (which is painfully-obvious in my entry for the bonus-round). Also, I've looked everywhere for that quote, and so far, it's all come up "anon." or "unknown", but I'll keep looking.
Thanks for the constructive review.
Laura
-
-
Bravo!!!!
OK the kyrielle sonnet is a winner for me its one of my fave forms( I am not a judge so can't give you bonus points clappy bunnies will have to do ). This form is a hard one to work and you have done awesomely well. Meter and flow holds well through out and the rhymes don't feel forced which is a major plus with repeating lines.
-
What a fabulous quote that is!
WE should all place that on our Screens!
well said!
ears/Seattle loved it!
BRAVO! BRAVO!
Adding your comment:
1 - 10 of 10
