I promise and
take a spin.
You smile, agree,
I love that you like
it.
I want to beg you to
save a dance,
but I'd hate to
see the alcohol in your
breath
soil my
Cinderella dress.
A contest entry
- Tragic Ending by PhenollBarbidoll.
300 points, ended September 21, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Emotion by Ltecho13.
1800 points, ended October 1, 2008, 28 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Not So Happily Ever After (Romeo And Juilet) by HereComesTheSun.
950 points, ended February 13, 31 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Any comments are appreciated.
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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the first half makes little sense to me about what is going on in the story you are telling but the last lines about alcohol in your breath soiling cinderella's dress. genius pure raw genius
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Oh wow!
I really like this. its painfully truthful. -
Short and sweet... usually the best work... thank you for entering my contest
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Very good - Talent is there, keep writing
I like the simplicity of this poem (and, the three others I read). And, I do mean that as a compliment. With a minimal amount of words you raise several complex issues that should be thought about and discussed. You also accomplish this without "angst" or venom. Not everything should sound edgy. A few technical comments:
"I love that you like
it."
I don't like the "it" standing alone, and, this line confuses me. Now, it might be me but I am the reader. LOL I'm just confused what this line means.
"breath
soil my
Cinderella dress"
"I want to beg you to"
The "to" and "to" reads poorly. Perhaps a way to eliminate that. If not, it's OK but distracts a bit.
I would move these words around a little. Just personal preference (but, again, I'm the reader). Suggestion,
"breath, soil
my Cinderella dress"
Because of the way people read, the physical change adds a bit of tension and surprise for them to know what is soiled and it hits them all at once.
Again, I like the simplistic structure of your poems and the fact that they try to say something as opposed to complaining about something. I try reading all my works aloud many times to "hear" what they read like. That may help in the minor structure hiccups. Good work and keep writing.
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I loved the consiceness of this. It really adds to the overall power of the subject.
What I admired was how you used "cinderella dress" when clearly this isn't any conventional fairytale dance. Thanks for sharing. -
i love the imagery, the simplicity, and the straightforwardness of this poem. it is so clear, a diamond dot of human experience. the innocent pleasure in dressing up and the acknowledgment that the very one you're wearing it for could spoil the pristine quality of the moment...the taste of real life in the fairy tale moment of a young girl's experience is bittersweet and beautiful. well done.
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Short and too the point. Filled with much to muse on. Thanks for sharing this write. The Cinderella dress allusion is quite clever and seems to speak of a first time out that was ruined by drunkenness. Good write maybe you could develop this some more.
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a comment
your feeling of happy-sadness are amazing. the poem seems to be a celebration poem, but actually is a sad, addict poem. loved the write.
Keep it up! =}
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