The stars are in her eyes,
The sunshine is in her hair.
she smiles like the rest,
but you don't see what's there.
She's lost within the crowd,
unheard when she cries.
There is something we are missing,
something she secretly hides.
No longer she hears the laughter,
yet it echoes through her mind.
Nothing left to count on,
nothing left to find.
She cuts away her fears,
drugs up all the lies.
Her life is fading away,
as her soul slowly dies.
The stars are in her eyes,
the sunshine is in her hair.
She smiles like the rest,
but you don't see what's there.
Author notes
Ladybug lands on lee
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW - by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended September 16, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I'm gunna give you points for your poems! by SmartBrick.
400 points, ended November 30, 2008, 67 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - prewrites round contest #1 by serenity silvermoon.
425 points, ended December 27, 2008, 86 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dark writing (my first ever contest!!!) by RazorbladeKiss14.
715 points, ended September 15, 84 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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Wow this reminds me of my friend! Good job! I loved it! Thank yo for entering and good luck in my contest!!!
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This was FANTASTIC!YEA!Very great and truthful poem!
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Wow. Unseen misery indeed. You was such an incredible write. Once again, your talent of making the reader stop for a moment because our hearts are breaking inside is amazing.
Wow.
Write on.
~*~SP~*~
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Oooh, firsty stanza, amazing!
Abnd second, and third!
Wow!! (Aside the one before this, This one my favourite!)
Loving the repitition. Liek you stating a point. LISTEN TO ME PEOPLE! -
Hi there, and welcome to the POW
My co-judges have covered this quite well already...not sure there's a whole lot more I can add...
The technical aspects of your poem all look pretty good; the rhyming, flow, punctuation, all nicely done. I think, other than having little concrete imagery and being very straightforward, your choice of theme is probably the thing that gets hit hardest. It is okay to write on an often seen theme...but you have to really dig deep to find a unique approach, making it quite a challenge. As has been mentioned, using poetic devices such as metaphors, similes, and alliteration, for example, would also be helpful.
I do hope you'll join us again...I think your scores would soar with the right topic choice, and I'd love to see your talents here again. Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck!
Best wishes,
~J.
Remember: no editing once a judge has commented, until after trophies have been awarded. My scores will be in with final contest notes.
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Welcome to the POW contest!
I agree with my fellow judge NeonRose there.
There isn't really any Sit& Ponder completely Tell no show. Apart from the topic choice this is a rather decent write. I think you should change some of the words around and add less cliche words in there and more metaphor's and similes and alteration aka poetic devices thanks for entering
my scores will be with the final remarks.
No editing once a judges had touched your work until after trophies have been handed out.
-vampy xxxx -
Welcome to the POW for 9/12/08
Again, this is a common theme/topic, and there's no
real 'sit and ponder' aspect to this write, but aside
from the topic choice, it's a good write.
I like the rhyme scheme and flow, good work with that aspect!
Stanza 3, Line 1: I think this would flow better if it read: "She no longer hears the laughter"
This is a clear, compact write. I like the way it portrays how so much suffering can be easily 'hidden' from everyone else, even those who care.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented. -
Hi - nice to see your talents here.
Your title fits this write, but I'm not sure I would click on it.....I don't feel it's strong enough to draw in the readers.
Your theme is not unique - but you have done it in a lovely way. For me, personally, I am not a fan of capping every other line....it stops the flow/thought as I stop at the end of every two lines. But that is just my personal taste, and when I read this ignoring the caps - it reads very nicely.
Your images are good - but mainly in emotion. I like the depth to this. Many people only see the outward appearance and never bother to look beneath the surface.
On a personal level, I liked this write. A nice entry.
Best wishes in the contest. My scores will appear in my final notes.
**Remember, no editing once a judge has commented on your work.
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Hi there and welcome to the pow
first off I must say
I have seen this theme written about
many times so it is not
that original to me but
I will say that I do think it is well written
and I did enjoy the read
my score will appear at the end of
the contest with my
closing notes be well -
Aloha and Welcome to POW!!
You have a great poem…
It is for several reasons, not exactly
what this contest calls for…we
look for unique in every way….
your rhyme and phrases are cliché…
Stars in her eyes
and sunshine in her hair…are quite common…
as is your theme….
Don’t get me wrong…you have talent, and with
a little more focus, and imagery…and NEW words…
you could be a real contender…
I hope to see you back next week….
Best wishes in the contest!
REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has
commented on your work. My scores will
appear in the final notes.
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Great right ..very romantic and one more thing is that u do have ur very own style .. which implies ur persinal feelings
keep penning
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Beautiful and sad my friend. It is easy to see the lonliness and emotions in your words. I can relate on many facets of this piece and found it has touched me. Great piece.
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All too often we miss what is in front of our eyes...sad to say we are all guilty
. Good luck in the contest 
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Mhmm. I like it- but personally I don't think it's POW material.
The theme is very common and your rhyme very basic. You use an elementary scheme of punctuation and capitalization.
Like I said, it doesn't make the poem bad- but..
There's no power?
This is much more of a sad, drizzly day kind of poem it seems.
-Les
Good luck ^^ -
I've noticed that you don't have a theme in your AN.. as per the rules from this contest. You need to do so. that's what they asked for. just to let you know.
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i like this babyyy, is this the one u wrote today? or is it one of ur older ones that u put some finishing touches to?
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