The warmth of the sun fades with its light,
replaced by the star filled blanket of night.
Petals, once spread, to capture the sun
now enfold each other. Their work is done.
Softly, a breeze intones a sweet berceuse.
Its whispering voice, designed to seduce,
hums of promised tomorrows and carries away
the perfume that has been gathered today.
Protectively holding its future within,
each grain of pollen a potential twin,
the blossom now sleeps, or so it seems,
yet deep in its heart it holds onto its dreams.
Unfettered meadows with freedom to grow;
myriad insects and bees help it sow.
Spreading its beauty in wordless song.
Finding a place in the world to belong.
As it nods in the shadows, it bids adieu
until in the morning, with the first kiss of dew,
it will once more greet the sun in the distance
and begin anew its song of existence.
Author notes
*P.O.W. Contest*
berceuse (bear-soos) – a lullaby or cradlesong
Prompt: A flower at sunset
No limit
Okay - we're not allowed pictures but if we were 
I'd have posted this picture. It was not inspiration, just a complimentary graphic. Some of us are visual creatures. http://vefobitseq.deviantart.com/art/Sunset-Flower-81299945
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW - by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended September 16, 2008, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical Comments Always Welcome but I Won't Turn Down Fluffy One's Either :D
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Absolutely gorgeous! You've done a wonderful job with this prompt Ken...very well deserved Bronze. Beautiful poem. (P.S. Now that the contest is over you can add the pic.)
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Hi and welcome back to the POW
This is lovely proof that a theme doesn't have to be totally unique, in order to score well in a PO contest. It does make for a bigger challenge for the poet...but you've met that challenge well, IMO. Nice job!
In S1, L2..."star filled" should be "star-filled"
I like some of the suggestions islekine left for you. I had some thoughts also...call it "multiple choice"...
"Petals, once spread, to capture the sun
now enfold each other. Their work is done." I thought a semi-colon after "other" would have sufficed here, tying the two sentences together and less interruptive of the flow than the period is.
"Softly, a breeze intones a sweet berceuse.
Its whispering voice, designed to seduce,
hums of promised tomorrows and carries away
the perfume that has been gathered today."
Perhaps...
Softly, a breeze intones a sweet berceuse.
Its whispering voice ~ designed to seduce.
Hums of promised tomorrows carry away
perfume gathered throughout the day.
"it will once more greet the sun in the distance"
Not a big deal, but...
"it will once again greet the sun in the distance"
But as always, just suggestions you may...or may not...want to consider.
All in all, a very beautiful entry. Once trophies have been handed out you'll be free to post the picture with the poem, and I think that'll round this out even further, as it's absolutely lovely.
Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck!
Best wishes,
~J.
Remember: no editing once a judge has commented, until after trophies are awarded.
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ooh I must say this is one of the best for sure. your rhyme is near perfect and isn't forced or boring. Your flow is abit off in places but overall its seamless and perfect. ooh new words ,I like and although the poem is to a very high standard, your theme wasn't very original. [Beautiful picture though]
My scores will show when my final remakes are shown.
~Remember no editing once a judged has touched your work~
all my love
-vampy xxxx -
Welcome to the POW for 9/12/08
Wow! Love this write! I'm a gardener, so right off you score points with me by writing about flowers. And you have done it in a beautiful manner. The theme is not, however, very unique and the title, while fitting, was not inspired.
I also love when a poem introduces me to a word I've not seen, or have forgotten. So good of you to include a definition in your AN, also!
Rhyme and flow are nearly perfect. Islekine has made some difinitive suggestions, with which I agree, but overall, a great job! This write carried me
easily from first line to last, with no stumbles.
I checked out your link to the photo, as I am one of those 'visual' people, and found it beautiful and seductive, just like the poem. Can't let it influence my scores, but appreciated it anyway.
This one scored high with me, even before I saw the picture.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented. -
Hi - nice to see your talents here.
I like your title - although I do think it limits this write to those who enjoy nature - which is fine.
Your theme is not unique - but the way you have done this is lovely. I enjoyed it.
Nice job on rhyming - it doesn't seem forced. Flow was fairly smooth, although I did have some trouble with:
'hums of promised tomorrows and carries away
the perfume that has been gathered today.' - maybe too many filler words. I think this could be tightened up to read better. perhaps -
'hums of promised tomorrows while it drifts away
perfume that has been gathered today'.....just a thought.
All in all, a lovely entry.
Best wishes in the contest. My scores will appear in my final notes.
**Remember, no editing once a judge has commented on your work.
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Hi there and welcome to the pow
first off let me say wow
This is a great piece from the first
time I read it I loved it
I could read this again and again
and still enjoy it.
I am not a big fan of end line rhyme
but non the less I love this piece it will score
high with me on many areas,
my score will appear at the end of
contest with my
closing notes be well -
Aloha and Welcome!!
This is a great visual piece.
Lovely words…..
I think the flow needs some work
here and there:
Petals, once spread, to capture the sun
now enfold each other. Their work is done.
Perhaps something like:
Petals, once spread, to capture the sun,
now enfold, their work being done.
enfold implies each other….
You have used a few more “filler” words than
necessary in my opinion…..
hums of promised tomorrows and carries away
the perfume that has been gathered today.
maybe:
hums of promised tomorrows; carries away
perfume that has been gathered today.
Just my suggestions….
Lovely write…..though not unique in theme
you have penned it well.
Best wishes in the contest!! Hope to see you
again next week…
Write on!
REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has
commented on your work. My scores will
appear in the final notes. -
I found myself falling under the spell of the lullaby, gently singing the words....Beautiful, good luck in the contest
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