There beneath the scarlet wall, I stand
my hands, out-stretched skywards, together keep
the realms of time and worldly things. Demand
A sinking soil of memories too late, to reap
the winds of fate, and stay the sinking sand.
I bless the stars of moonlit skies, and weep
for love so lost repelled by flames I've fanned,
if laid to dust, by weeping trees so grand
a beauty waned in grace, if dreams but sleep.
By yonder yew laid she, time's molten clock
to wither soundly caked in Needle's nook,
beneath the pines and elms by elder rock
a life had flowed in silken robes forsook
so leaves remembrance in pots to cook.
Author notes
POW
Theme of love, loss, fate, suffering, and the struggle to cope with it, or Human issues.
A contest entry
- Poem of the Week - POW - by Arkbear.
1000 points, ended September 16, 2008, 10 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Let me know How this makes you feel, what do you think?
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Welcome to the POW contest!
This piece is very good, your rhyme and alliteration were used very talented like. and I like the overall flow of this poem. With the line breaks it makes it awkward[at least for me] to read. Like it almost seems like a word should be after that. Although the theme was not unique really, your outcome on the theme including the language used within the poem made it very good. well done. Thanks for entering. My scores will be shown on final remarks.
~ remember no editing once a judge has touched your work~
-vampy xxx -
Nice to see you in another POW!
I really love the classic poetic voice, or tone, of your poem. True, the theme is not unique, but your choice of poetic phrasing makes me ponder many of your lines as if I've never read about love and loss before. Very nicely done, IMO.
A few things did throw me...I think a combination of awkward punctuation and line breaks interfere with the clarity in several places. Tweaking S1 with punctuation and minor changes in phrasing and line breaks, for example...
"There beneath the scarlet wall, I stand.
My hands together, out-stretched skywards,
keep realms of time and worldly things demanded,
a sinking soil of memories. Too late,
I reap the winds of fate, and stay the sinking sand.
Not knowing your exact meaning for sure, you are the only one who can make changes that will both reflect your intended thoughts AND make sense to the reader, but that is just one way in which I could interpret the stanza. However...I'm pretty sure most readers don't want to have to rewrite or rearrange your words to find meaning.
Even with the occasional difficulty with clarity, I thought this was a beautiful piece, full of feeling, and with good depth. Another of my favorites this week, though I don't yet know how it will fare on my scorecard. Thanks so much for joining us, and I hope to see your talents back again soon. Other area of the poem I looked at will be reflected in my scores, which will be in the final contest notes.
Good luck and best wishes,
~J.
Remember: no editing once a judge comments, until after trophies have been handed out.
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Welcome to the POW for 9/12/08
There's a lovely feel to this write..good alliteration and internal rhyme. The wording leans towards 'old' language, with words like 'yonder' and 'forsook'.
While the wording was lovely, I found the breaks to be
somewhat awkward, with commas in odd places, (at least to my mind) and missing in others.
Stanzas 2 and 3 flow quite well..but stanza 1 left me
confused..I felt the punctuation was all askew,
and the second line made no sense whatever..even after several readings.
"I stand my hands out-stretched skywards together keep,"
What does that mean?
I tried it with the comma after 'stand', which is where
I think it should go, but still could not interpret this line.
I also had trouble with the closing line. The language
throughout is smooth and easy, and then we end with
cooking pots.
Aside from those two lines, I really enjoyed the 'feel' of this write, after some careful editing on my own, to distribute punctuation where I felt it was needed.
The theme is not unique, by any means, but you have handled it nicely, and I really like your 'style' of language in this write.
My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!
Remember, no editing once a judge has commented. -
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As for the second line, (I know by the way the themes ununiqueness, though I am going through personal issues that leaves this haunting my waking mind) it is my own frustration at God, you could say, Hence my arms and hands outstreached towards the sky, There is a very real possibility that my wifes mysterious illness is nearing the end, as for the puncuation of the first part, I simply goofed. My faults are all my own Thank you for the chance to vent some of what is close to the bone with me.
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Hi - nice to see your talents here again.
I love your title - it made me want to 'click and read' - well done on that.
Your theme is not unique, but this was done in a unique way. Lovely wording and great images. I did have trouble with the flow though, due to punctuation and wording that seemed out of place. But I really loved the 'old world' feel this has - very nice. A lovely entry.
Best wishes in the contest. My scores will appear in my final notes.
**Remember, no editing once a judge has commented on your work.
-
Hi there and welcome to the POW
First off I must say I have seen this
written about many times before
but you did it in a way that I did enjoy
I love the second stanza
the only thing that
I did not care for was the end
of the lines rhymes
my score will appear at the end of
the contest with my
closing notes be well
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Aloha and welcome to POW!!
I have enjoyed your poetry before…and this time
is no exception…However, the theme is so not
unique…..Love is just not a unique topic…unless
of course you make it between say a kangaroo and
and octopus…or something…lol…
Anyway, I had problems with the flow in the first
stanza also….
“There beneath the scarlet wall, I stand
my hands out-stretched skywards together keep,
the realms of time and worldly things demand
A sinking soil of memories too late, to reap
the winds of fate, and stay the sinking sand.”
because you used a capital “A” I presumed a
beginning of a sentence…but there was no
period in the prior line.
Likewise the comma after keep, lends to
a pause which makes “the” in the next line
awkward…I’m not sure just how to read
it……
Anyway…that’s just me, and I am only one
judge….I’m sure others will have an idea
on whether it is awkward for them also.
The write itself is lovely…although as
I said, in my book the theme takes it out
of the running for Gold…Best wishes in
the contest…
Write on!
REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has
commented on your work. My scores will
appear in the final notes. -
Nice poetic verse on the stuggles we all have had coming to grips with love lost.
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I had this feeling
that this poem came flowing from the heart. The words in the AN do manifest themselves within this poem. I enjoyed that the flow sometimes slowed to a stop, gave time to ponder, but urged the reader to read on. I think that is what we ought to do in times of struggle. Beste for you in the contest. Frans
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I just here to let you know that you need to place your theme in your AN. I noticed that its not there..
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I so enjoyed the first stanza...there was such flow and ebb. It captivated and held with sadness seeping from each line but also with a beauty that was tangible. Good luck in the contest
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