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Let Us Love Her

You drop tears, and angst
on concrete pavement
later washed away
by another footprint,
another cart that yields food
a wind that seeks blip
to race,and a child at play.

Do you see what is happening?

the world cries louder then you
and I, and shoots from its
core,  screams that go unheard.

Earth's pain, shoulders no
contempt - but shatters
from atrocities,
seeking balm
for her wounds bleed
profusely.


Yet, she still gives us
her warmth, jeweled
emperies of gregarious

greens;


flowers yet to be named, mossed
backdrops of voluminous
rocks that etch the sky
as we look up.

Let us love her, and
free our minds and body
of fogged secretions that
seep into her skin and
rocks her most beautiful
foundation.

Author notes

POW

Theme: Earth

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • secberm
    October 2, 2008
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  • poetryality silver member
    September 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    There is an urgency to this work. We must, have to, it is our duty... as human beings to save this Earth. We aren't doing so well in that effort these days. Your work is poignant, and spills over with pride, and the necessity to do better.

    "Earth's pain, shoulders no
    contempt - but shatters
    from atrocities,"

    Sometimes I tend to think Mother Nature is turning on us. She has ravaged many areas with torrential waters and heat. Maybe, she is contemptueous (sp)

    Excellent Poetry! I wish you the best in this challenge!


    Always ♥

    Renee


  • Lost Vampyre Angel
    September 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Hello there and Welcome to the POW!
    Overall this is an extremely good write. Your wording and vocabulary is incredibly impressive. Though I agree with my fellow judge you should be careful with certain words. and your punctuation. its should be it's Overall this is a very very good poem. I enjoyed reading it Congrats and thank you for entering.


  • trista gold member
    September 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hi there, and welcome to the POW

    One of the biggest challenges in a PO contest is finding a unique theme to write on, ~ or ~ finding a new approach to an often seen theme. This is a subject important to so many, so I'll never say it isn't worth writing about...but I do challenge you to seriously dig deep when writing about it. You have a view and opinion of the world different than anyone else's, and THAT is what I want to see when I read your poem about "earth".

    Okay, that being said, I have to "ditto" the observations and suggestions Neon has given you. In addition...

    "the world cries louder (than) you"

    You may also want to take a second look at some of your line breaks, those in the last stanza especially. The last word in a line gets more emphasis and will stick in a reader's mind longer, so ending lines with "and" or "that" is (IMO) wasting an opportunity to add impact to your poem.

    Punctuation can be a real challenge...one way to determine where commas and periods are needed is to write it out in sentences, like prose, and punctuate accordingly...then break it into lines again.

    Repeating words ("rocks", for example) is generally a no-no unless done purposely. (And even then it's difficult to make work.) Not only does this take me backwards in thought, it can take away the power and impact of the word(s).

    I think you have some interesting imagery within the poem, but the punctuation and clarity make it difficult to really "see". Concrete imagery will stick in a reader's mind, so don't forget to balance "telling" with "showing".

    While I think this needs some tightening up, I did enjoy the write and its message. I hope some of the suggestions you've been given prove to be helpful to you. Thanks so much for your entry, and good luck!

    Best wishes,
    ~J.
    Remember: no editing once a judge comments, until after trophies have been handed out. My scores will be included in final notes.


  • NeonRose
    September 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Welcome to the POW for 9/12/08

    This title and theme are not inspiring. So many poems have been written about the earth! Your approach to it, however, is quite interesting.

    I think this could be, with some careful editing, a very strong write. You've some good images here, but there seems to be a bit of incongruity in some of your word choices, and placement of commas seems inappropriate in some cases, while missing in others. Same thing with capitalization.

    The lines that I pondered over, trying to find the meaning:
    "a wind that seeks blip to race"...blip?
    "jeweled emperies of gregarious greens"...emperies? gregarious?
    Even after researching these words, I could not construe your intended meaning.

    I love your opening lines, and was drawn in immediately..until line 5, where I think you need a comma after 'food'..and then there's that 'blip'.

    Line 9 sould be capitalized, as it begins a new sentence. The commas after 'core'and after 'pain' are unnecessary, and muddies the meaning of those lines. Semi-colon after 'atrocities',
    and comma after 'balm'.

    Last stanza, 'rock', not 'rocks', if I read it the way it's written.
    If there was a comma or semi-colon present after rocks, then 'rocks' would be correct.

    Good bones here, just needs some tidying.

    My scores will appear with final remarks. Best to you in the contest!

    Remember, no editing once a judge has commented.


  • aboomer silver member
    September 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    hi and welcome to the PO

    I wouldn't click on this title - which would be a shame, as this is a lovely write. The first thing a writer wants is a title that will pull in the readers - this one is just too vague, too common IMO.

    Your theme is not unique - but is very well done with your excellent wording. I did have trouble with the flow due to where you have put your punctuation - especially with your first two lines.....for me, this would have read better:
    'You drop tears and angst
    on concrete pavement,'....and there were several other spots where the punctuation slowed the flow for me. Also your line endings - some seemed to end in the middle of a thought, again splitting the flow. But that is just my own personal taste, and did not take away that much from your beautiful wording.

    On a personal level, I really liked this entry. Great images, great wording. A lovely entry.


    Best wishes in the contest. My scores will appear in my final notes.

    **Remember, no editing once a judge has commented on your work.

  • Starz of Heaven gold member
    September 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Hello there and welcome to the pow I did
    enjoy this however I have seen many writes
    on the Earth before but you did a great job with
    this and I did enjoy the read
    so it not being that original will
    not effect my score to much
    great write here
    My score will appear at the end of the contest
    with my final notes be well


  • islekine gold member
    September 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Aloha and Welcome to POW!!

    I love your theme….although not unique,
    it is one near and dear to my heart…
    You have a great message…
    there are a few spots where more
    punctuation would have helped,
    this line, in particular, gave me trouble:
    I would put a comma after balm…
    even with the line break..but that’s just
    me.
    “seeking balm
    for her wounds bleed
    profusely.”

    The final stanza:

    Let us love her, and
    free our minds and body
    of fogged secretions that
    seep into her skin and
    rocks her most beautiful
    foundation.

    This should read either
    seeps and rocks…or
    seep and rock.

    All in all, a well penned piece
    with a great message, however
    we do look for a bit more,
    imagery and impact. Best wishes
    in the contest…hope to see you and
    your talent again next week!



    REMEMBER: No editing once a judge has
    commented on your work. My scores will
    appear in the final notes.

  • Yvette Champ gold member
    September 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Bravo.


  • moon2u
    September 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    I love the message of this poem

    Yes, even though we abuse her
    she continues to gift us with unconditional love
    fantastic poem
    hugs Moony


  • cutiepie gold member
    September 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You paint a wonderful landscape of hope and beauty with the help of Mother Earth Good luck in the contest

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