one day i was smoking crack in the basement of your house
the next day i was lying on the floor waiting for you to call
another day i felt so empty, yet so above it all
my thoughts are in a whirlwind, im over here and over there
my feelings got me twisted up, help me i am in despair
this is just a pattern or a cycle, its been happen all along
happening in the same exact way it does, always
i wish i knew what to do, i wish i knew where to go from here
but im suck in time, thinking about the past
im out in the world, and the years go by fast
sucking in smoke, chasing away demons
falling down the rabbit hole, trying to find reason.
Comments
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Who Gives A Hell Gets A Heaven
Do you read your poetry aloud, having written it, to test for flow and ambience in the hearer? In lieu of counting syllables and following predicated, if not predictated, rhyme schemes,it does one's writing, qua poet, a whirled of good.
But this is good. Tres Bon.
Tricks of the trade, so to speak, are very much a matter of style - I say this as much to myself as to you, one the great things about critiquing, that one uncovers to one's self that which one likes about poetry one's self - of which a: Bruce Lee said, "Man, I got no style."; and b: Picasso said, "Know style, then run a my all."
EG.
one day i was smoking crack
in the basement of your house
the next day i was lying
on the floor waiting
for you to call another
day i felt, so empty yet,
sow above it all my thoughts
are in a whirlwind i'm o'er
here and over there my
feelings got me...
a second draft which involves a 7 syllable line, kept in place by the elision "o'er", retains and conceals the rhyming, and, rather naturally, adds the impact of line end meaning which overflows into the next and a different way - a sort of try polar inversion therapy for the reader's understanding in which to grow.
Another thing: to make it easier on the reader, stanzalisation can be a very important tool. If one can introduce an appropriate break, even into a short piece like this, every three, four, eight, or so, lines, it allows the reader space to think, space in which the space between lines may be read and absorbed.
Personally, I don't think you need help - rather, Hell needs to hear your yelp!
Master Anarchy.
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amazing!! i love it, you are an artist in words. awesome work. keep it up hun
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