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the possibilities

the drink
the joint
the hit
what once was habit
now becomes way of life and strife

skin sagging on bones
that are bent and alone
even when company comes

honey
i have been there
i whisper in your ear
hoping to hit on that part
of the brain
that pain
resides
so you know
i can show you
another way

scrape away the burnt stuff
so we can eat together
all the bread and wine
i can find in this world
we will be drunk on friendship
and full of love
(or full of something)

lexxie babe
dont you hate the way
you feel afterwards
lets shake it off and run
grab my hand
i will grab your heart
and we can start
something new and untouched
by anyone but us

the drink
the joint
the hit
that was once a habit
led us here
to the possibility of a life

together 

Author notes

hope she likes this . oh and i kinda wrote it as if i were you . so i hope i did you justice . haha .

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Comments

1 - 11 of 11

  • MathiasThom
    September 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    wowzer!!!!!!

    Internal rhyming was nice... Especially from someone who prefers writing free verse...

    *I'll convert you yet*...mwhahahahaha!!!!!!

    Seriously though, excellent job here!


    • righteousme
      September 23, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      i do like internal rhyme i guess ... but end rhyme makes me loopy ... haha ...


  • transcendental baby gold member
    September 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You did a great job with this, as you always do ... even with "meaningless" stuffing in your turkey Isn't it crazy how so many people think that "real language" isn't the "stuff" of poetry ... and they all think giving an opinion on your word usage or the things they don't like about it is actual literary criticism. Literary criticism is not "criticism" ... it's "analysis" people!!!! Thoughtful and disciplined evaluation of the writer's method and meaning ... not an opinion of personal taste! Sorry for the soapbox, but I'm tired of people trying to rewrite my poems too


  • BehindTheShadow
    September 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    All that internal rhyme might just give me a heart attack coming from you, my god! Great job!


  • SomeGirlYouKnew
    September 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    this was good... it shows love but not in the typical, mushy romantic love poem way.
    i think the first half was stronger than the second half, and my least favourite line was the "burnt stuff" part. the word stuff doesnt really mean anything (unless youre referring to turkey), so i think that was a little random. this poem has the potential to be amazing with a little reworking, but for now its simply good.

    • righteousme
      September 12, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      while you may not have a liking to the word stuff , i do ... i also think that if your opinion is that the word means nothing than you are cutting yourself off from a world of possibilities ... while i appreciate your honesty i feel that if you did not think my work was "amazing" and it was "simply good" than you either could have not commented at all or you could have chose to state what you liked and moved on ...

      • SomeGirlYouKnew
        September 12, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        p.s. i guess i didnt really specify any parts i liked though. so as a general rule, if im gonna specify negative things it is true that i should probably also specify positive ones too.
        ( i REALLY liked the second stanza. it was genius)

        • righteousme
          September 12, 2008
          Edit | Reply
          well that would help ... that way it is not like you are saying ... hey this sucked and if you changed this and that it would be amazing (BTW i feel that even that is kinda rude cos then you would like the piece , but maybe someone else wouldnt , and then i would keep changing it to make everyone else happy ... )... see my point?

          • SomeGirlYouKnew
            September 12, 2008
            Edit | Reply
            im not sure i agree with you about that... but i dont really see this argument going anywhere... and im very sorry i offended you.
            ill try to keep your personal preferences in mind if i come across a poem of yours again.

      • SomeGirlYouKnew
        September 12, 2008

        Edit | Reply
        im sorry. many people want to know what could be better in their writing.

        *note to self: dont say what i really think anymore.

        • righteousme
          September 12, 2008
          Edit | Reply
          well , i am not really one of them people for said reason above ... i write for me and i like what i write ... and the manner in which i write it ... i feel that criticism is no good unless asked for - and i never ask ...

          *not to you: always say what you really think , however ask first in some instances if that is what the person wants and expects ... i say it on my homepage that i do not like it...

1 - 11 of 11