and I wonder why my thoughts on paper
seem more real than the words
that haphazardly come out of my mouth.
and after months of not manipulating my senses
my mind begins to suffer from serious withdrawal
with thoughts of dire destruction and willful hate.
and I cannot help but wonder
if the shadows are disappearing
because of the lack of light [emotions] here
or because of something more,
something like
heartstrings breaking apart
and you not catching my eye,
anymore.
and I live in fear of passing glances, sugar-coated lies
and all the hypocrisy that comes with the package deal called ‘you.’
and I wish that something unexplainable
like solar-eclipses, fireflies and seashell-voices
will someday give me enough courage to breathe,
and enough bravery to understand
why I must let you go.
and I sit huddled in a corner
with my hair down,
mascara-tears running
down to the little spot near my lips,
that little spot that you would point to, smile and say:
‘you have beautiful dimples when you smile.’
I haven’t had dimples for two weeks.
and it’s time to let go
but I don’t know how.
In a list
A contest entry
- FREE VERSE--- ANY SUBJECT---1540 POINTS ALMOST NO RULES GOLD GETS 1000 POINTS COME SHOW ME WHAT YOU CAN DO, YESSA! by echo-ink.
1450 points, ended September 16, 2008, 26 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - FAVORITE PREWRITES by stylization.
550 points, ended October 10, 2008, 14 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 32 of 32
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This write is very touching.. I found it to be complex. I found our lives get caught up in our world.. I love this so much!!
""and it’s time to let go
but I don’t know how.""
This speaks volumes... -
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thanks for the comment
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nice
this is a very compelling piece. i can identify with a lot of the verses and i did get kind of swept up in the feeling of this piece. Vivid and blunt. a great combo
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This is really really good! Bravo!
♥ Kathraina -
wonderful poem,
great flow, and a powerful meaning.
this is great. :]
you write very well
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I like the way this poem flows, it really produces emotion for the reader to take in
I loved the use of words creating all the emotions
"and I live in fear of passing glances, sugar-coated lies
and all the hypocrisy that comes with the package deal called ‘you."
I loved these two lines great poem, I really should have gotten back around to commenting on evrything quicker, as the quality seems to be brilliant
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i don't know how i feel about the piece beginning with the word "and" but you did a very nice job conveying your emotion. very good flow and energy. i can really relate to the sorrow you capture at the end. i like the style very much. i hate to say it but there's not much criticism i can give. great job.
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"and I wonder why my thoughts on paper
seem more real than the words
that haphazardly come out of my mouth."
I feel like this quite often, it's a strange revelation, isn't it?
"and it’s time to let go
but I don’t know how."
^ I'm at this right now.... I still don't know how.
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thank you for entering
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"that little spot that you would point to, smile and say:
‘you have beautiful dimples when you smile.’"
This line has actually made me remember something that I forgot a long time ago, now it came back to me and I guess your poem has inspired me to write something.
It was full of imgery and pictures, your emotions portrated very deeply and in very deep details yet not too detailed to make the reader unable to relate to it or to get lost in it with his imagination.
Wonderful write, truely.
~Noor
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'and I wonder why my thoughts on paper
seem more real than the words
that haphazardly come out of my mouth.'
i wonder that far too often for my liking.
this is brilliant, i'm just sorry my comment mega sucks.
thanks for entering
♥
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Nice
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that little spot that you would point to, smile and say:
‘you have beautiful dimples when you smile.’
I haven’t had dimples for two weeks <<< beleive it or not you have just like described a conversation in my life at some point :/
a great write such meaning in your words -
This [and I wish that something unexplainable
like solar-eclipses, fireflies and seashell-voices
will someday give me enough courage to breathe,] is very thought provocotive...because seashell voices are actually unexplainable, i dont get them.
And this poem was absoloutley honestly beautiful, im not just being nice...its really well written and i LOVE the ending, i like 'mascara-tears' and i love the build up to the line..."I haven't had dimples for two weeks" - genious
weldone i really enjoyed reading this and have done about 3 times now x
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wow
congrats on the gold and the braonze keep up the great writting!
- chelsey
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Jesus, love your brackets, love your ending lines and love your wins for this piece. Great write, thank you for entering the contest. Good luck.
♥
whisper
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Whoa
Wow. It takes my breath away.
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You are a very talented writer. "Gotta let him go" pieces are a dime a dozen, but you infused this poem with vivid natural imagery that conveyed the emotion beautifully making it not so cliched of a read. Congrats on the trophy, too.
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thankss
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Oh my god, this was fantastic. I think it's the best one I've read for this contest so far. Thank you so very very much for entering, and welcome to the finalists!
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This was beautiful. The imagery way amazing, the metaphors wonderful. I loved it
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wow very nice i loved it great work and keep it up good luck in this contest
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Thank you for your deeply heartfelt entry, good luck in my contest, Josie
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I've read some of you before but the thing is .. you write so good, the ideas are all great but the way it's written isn't attractive.
"and you not catching my eye,
anymore."
- that was one of the best lines
"unexplainable"
- inexplainable would sound better
"and I sit huddled in a corner
with my hair down,
mascara-tears running
down to the little spot near my lips,
that little spot that you would point to"
- unnecessary description. and the first half of that is pretty cliché
the last lines are a bit repetitive as you mentioned letting go earlier in the poem. Also, what made this not as great as it could have been is that it is too wordy. Too many personal pronouns [I, he, she, it, etc] can also bring down a poem.
However, again, I dolike your ideas and your phrases - but after a reading this second poem, I couldnt let a talent like this go to waste.
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and I sit huddled in a corner
with my hair down,
mascara-tears running
down to the little spot near my lips,
that little spot that you would point to, smile and say:
‘you have beautiful dimples when you smile.’
I haven’t had dimples for two weeks.
That last line was freaking AMAZING! That was the best way to say you haven't been smiling without actually saying it! I was totally inspired by your work. You and aanika are so very talented, and I've been working on my own free verse lately, but you two are definitely a big inspiration in my endeavors to let go and say how I'm feeling, but do so in a way that keeps the reader going. Good job!
"Masquerade"
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Aw this is so very beautiful. I can see why you made it to bronze (eh should have been a gold though.)
I adored this part:
and I wish that something unexplainable
like solar-eclipses, fireflies and seashell-voices
will someday give me enough courage to breathe,
and enough bravery to understand
why I must let you go.
But this poem is remarkable.
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This was very emotional, and brought heart throbs to my throat.
You need a hug~~~
I loved the metaphor in this.
Thanks for entering, Bell [sniff]
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thankss for the comment
and the bronze haha
xx.Emma
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and I wish that something unexplainable
like solar-eclipses, fireflies and seashell-voices
will someday give me enough courage to breathe,
and enough bravery to understand
why I must let you go.
beautiful
this does remind me of marooned !
which is one of my only poems that I actually like..
so YAY
this was brilliannnttt
good luck emu.
<3 -
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it's cause you inspired me hahaa
i like itt
♥
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This is beautiful...
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thanks
♥
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