My fingers seemingly so limp…
Or I, at least…thought they were…
Too weak, and no strength…
Yet, there they are, pointing at me.
The apple, the poison, the foolishness…
My pearls presented before swine…
Now my pearls trampled, buried….
In a muddy, self-dug hole I lie.
My goal was not worth possessing…
Forfeited my peace...and for what?!
Bent backward and I snapped...so wrong…
My mistake, to be alone…how could I know?
If I had never pushed the line,
I’d have never been forced too far.
He was not - Not everyone is like me…
How blind of me, not to see.
There now, my movie before my eyes -
Not directed as I had contrived.
It plays, repeatedly, over and over…
Under my title, starring my actors.
This book…I read it, I wrote it, it’s mine…
My pages, my characters, my words…
My mind, my hand, these thoughts…
But this is not my intended plot…
Nothing is the same…never more.
With time, he penetrates this abyss, again..
More excruciating than anything…
Anything I thought I could ever feel, think.
Please…make his face, all objects, go away…
The sky…balks…declines bright blue…
The grass refuses green, sparkling dew…
The flowers no longer the rainbow I knew.
The air is not cold, nor is it hot…
It just…just is…is…is…
Is being pushed, pulled, in and out,
Of my lungs, swirling around and about.
Images all marred…he is inside of me…
Please…take the guilty dirt away…
Faith given made me filthy, me…my…
I, have made me filthy.
Every part of him, closer, tighter…
Where he doesn’t belong…
But he wouldn’t loose me, let go,
Though I plead, still pleading ‘no’.
Ohh…I never wanted this,
I never wanted this, from him, anyone…
I wanted love, acceptance freedom…
Instead, I am enslaved, again.
I see him, in my head, all around me…
I cannot escape it…and…I feel…
I see…smell…taste…scream…
All over again, afresh, anew:
I thought that he wouldn’t,
I trusted he wouldn’t ever, no, never…
But…proves how little I know…
Because he did, and I have that to show.
Legs pinned down…torso forced flat…
Tongue, fingers, him, wriggle lower…
Arm wrapped tighter…around…I fought…
Squirmed, cried...penetrated, pierced throughout
Body, eyes, mouth whimpered…
Desolate…past his shoulder…clouds drift…
Trees, leaves, dirt, mess…but none to save.
Does it matter? I don’t matter, it’s too late.
JUST MAKE IT GO AWAY! Please…
DISAPPEAR…yes i…if i could, i would…
Not another day, crawling, to face…
Not my fault, not, not, that’s what they say.
That is what they tell me, honestly…
I didn’t ask for this, but it didn’t have to be…
I didn’t let evil in, on purpose…
Innocent I…made yet another bad choice….
My confidence…alone with wrong person…
My vulnerability given wrong person who...
Story of my life…not as if I try…
He didn’t care. Trust granted one untrue.
Why did I let me, be secluded?
Solo, separated, stupid, lonely, lorn me.
My enemies - my isolation, my naive fleeing…
I snuck out…to? Loss…painful, unwilling loss.
Where are those who warned me?
Oh, please don’t leave, when I need…
I am so sorry…Brittle and dry am I…
can you recreate, make me, once more, me?
Author notes
ex manhandled/took advantage of me...least...that's what they say it is...I feel as if I deserved it...shoulda listened to my mom...she loves me, you know? she...her...controlling at least I could trust. she would never hurt me, least not on purpose. but I didn't listen...how could I put myself in such a compromising position? I didn't want to...but...once again I've learned...there is always someone stronger.
Did I deserve it? Was it's God's judgement? If I had listened, obeyed...this would have never happened...i never planned it this way...why?!!!!? Somedays...I do really well...other days...I am so low, so sick, so eaten, so gnawed...I can't make him go away...from my mind...but then...if only I hadn't wanted to push the boundaries a little, I would have never been in the position for so much to be taken from me...what is wrong with me?!
A contest entry
- Open up and give me emotion by Velvet Rose Petals.
1150 points, ended September 21, 2008, 53 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - how much hell have you been through by Ami.
550 points, ended May 12, 71 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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what a profound piece of poetry... Macabre, terrifying, yet sad.. I liked the allusions.
We all have something we regret.. But don't kill yourself over it. Failure isn't final, move on and be strong.
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Excellent write!
I give you Gold, too! I wish I could write this vividly! Keep writing, please! KC
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Your a Survivor
A friend of mine experienced something similar to this, and I was there to help her through. She told me a lot of how she felt,So I understand it must have been horrible. I would say never to blame yourself,although its expected, she did the same thing. there's nothing that time can't mend. You've survived this much, you can make it through! Never give up, no matter what.
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Dear heart....how vividly you have shared your traumatic experience, and shared yourself with us...You deserved the Gold on this one and got it...I pray for your healing...I am your friend!Bravo for this exceptional write...It took courage!
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Nothing wrong with you and you didn't deserve it. It was not God's judgement, you made a mistake in trusting someone as so many of us have.
You did a great job in writing about such a painful situation. -
woah...
amazing..
when i was reading it i figured it would be a boyfriend because it didnt seem like it would be someone else because you talked aout love and acceptance. its horrible how soe boyfriends are abusive and do these things to girls. im really sorry but i hope this helped somehow..
Ros
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