I look up
and the sky looks
like an old box filled with small cotton balls
all so quiet
waiting for wounds to be soothed
just a touch - slightly
but there is no wind
on this motionless day
green sheets and blue towels
hang like sleeping bats on the clothesline
this morning I know how it sounds
when silence reveals another silence
In a list
A contest entry
- Wind by Peteskid.
1000 points, ended September 15, 2008, 9 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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Ah..yes this is the life and its true image around the words is shared..love the truth and many thanks for writing it..
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I think i should consider going to Judge school...this is a beautiful poem with a very special voice, imagery that lingers like the stillness you create here. That silence, that notices, is in us all, when there is another voice we would hear, in my life there have been a few voices that I truly miss, and my silences become quite revealing. This is a remarkable poem... h
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Hm, twisted tongue by alliterations seems to fall more into your reading taste :
Kidding, thanks for this second comment
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Yes, then I discovered the aspects of the Moon, it asks little but gives so much beauty.... ... no kidding ... h
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Wonderful write.... "sounds when silence reveals another silence"... exactly why I wrote that snow haiku...... love it.
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Thanks my dear teacher!
I don't like everything I write, but I too like this one
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MariGoes, this is a soft sentiment for an old and wounded soul. I agree with all the comments. It's perfect~
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excellent
I love to smell clothes that came off the clothes line
Also reveals a lots of imagery as well cotton ball clouds...towels hanging like sleeping bats on the clothesline...
My note on that is I never saw any bats sleeping on my clothesline I woulda run like crazy
This is excellent sis
Congrats on the honorable mention
I am off to bed night night
Loved this one
Hugs
Your sis
Susan~~~
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when silence reveals another silence
I think I'm going to boil my brains out on that one!
Here here, you smartass
Imagery to lick ones fingers... and pens as well!
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THe comments before me focussed a lot on the images etc.
I agree with many and have this to add:
you are always a favourite to read and the clothesline is also a particularly enticing image to me as it reminds me of some wonderful Afrikaans poetry I grew up with.
Entirely a pleasure.
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It seems quite unfair that you ask Yemassee for brief replies yet when he gives them ask asked, he is the only one not to get applause. I do think this breaks the contract between you and that now he can go on commenting as he chooses, being as prolix and far-reaching as he chooses.
What he wished to say and could not:
That he was impressed first with, the analogy of the cotton balls, the clouds, how you drew the connection, reiterating it with the line, "just a touch - slightly."
He thought that was quite good.
He also liked,
"but there is no wind
on this motionless day"
which he thought captured emotion very well and was proof positive of a discussion between to friends about using personification, how it can be done so well by a skilled pen.
He liked the colors, the green and blue which not only radiate feelings but equate to the sky as well.
He liked the sleeping bats, for not only do they provide symbolism of unseeing, but they also give off the image of stiffness, lend to the motionless theme.
And the last lines, those about silence revealing silence. He thought that was well done, getting beneath the surface of emotion, that there can be depth to those emotions, as well as disguises...and of course a harmony of sorts, unity.
We would have explained all this except for that completely unfair, biased brevity rules that was cruelly placed upon him...but which you have now reneged by your non-applause.
Sir Ima Cucumber,
Creative force,
Revealer of Truth,
Speaker of Wisdom,
Bon vivant,
vegetable.
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Outer reflects the inner
imposing view on world
Silence will still the conflict
when bitter words are hurled
Amending comes between them
when nothing held at bay
When truth will lead the freedom
and the start of a new day
Hugs...Eddy
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It's quite good, and I would explain why except the brevity rule is in effect on your poems. But I still have one line left so I will say that lines 3 and 10 are ...(Beep)
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This is lovely poetry, Mari and it shows how versatile a writer you are. Loved the "sleeping bats" image... I've always considered clotheslines a great image in poetry - lovely.
~ Nicolette
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Beautiful poetry, brings a mood of softness with the imagery of cotton and clouds, and the wind is in the stillness, remarkable use of vivid images and creative ideas..clothesline. Excellent. Thank you for this fine entry into the contest and best of luck in the judging...PK
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i'm really stuck on the "sleeping bats" image, evokes the stillness. i like the one stranded line in the middle, slows the reader down... you've mentioned to get a hold of a feeling here, well done!
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Mari, I love stillness which brings an awareness of breath, as this does, where the wounds are soothed in the peace. You have penned this desire so eloquently and I smiled at the thought of sheets hanging on the clothes line like sleeping bats. I always wanted a clothes line, because nothing smells like clean sheets that have been line dried. it's a childhood memery of comfort for me, because my husband never would put a clothes line in.
Somehow the smell of them and the stillness permeate my senses in unison. it must be the fruits of work done
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I love this - excellent poetry, Mari,
"like an old box filled with small cotton balls
all so quiet
waiting for wounds to be soothed"
the ending is so powerful
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The unassuming cotton balls,
the immensity of the sky---
a quiet moment to consider
the stillness.
Unique, as you always are.
M-C
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